Hi All

1st time posting here.
i'll give you all Some background about myself.
I am in my 30s, happily married BH with kids.
My parents were Baalei Teshuva and i grew up in an out of town community.
I Kind of floated through the yeshiva system and while i was always a good kid i never really did find that connection to hashem that i needed.
I can blame my parents but its not really their fault as they tried their best with he tools that they were given.
I was very lazy when it came to learning and while i enjoyed the mental stimulation of learning it could not compete with movies and music while i was in high school.
On to the elephant in the room. My first encounters with Pornography was as a real young kid on an unfiltered computer that a previous user had left the browser on a porn site. 
it was more disgust then anything else but it definitely left an impression on me.
through high school i had the usual teenage struggles of P&M with many of the up and downs that most of the the users on this site can relate too.
While i made kabbalahs and spoke to rebbeim many times and i had some long streaks nothing really worked long term.
BH i got married to an amazing woman and we have a great relationship.
She does know that in the past i have viewed and consumed inappropriate material and is on board in regards to filtering devices (web chaver/covenant eyes) both on personal and work devices.
I have however still had ups and downs throughout our marriage.
Whether it was finding a way around a filter or getting access to an unfiltered device i continued to stumble. 
Interestingly enough even when i have stumbled and viewed or fantasized about different issues i have not actually masturbated to the point of Zera Levatala. It has honestly been years since that happened and while i do have lusts, urges and weird Taivahs that pop into my brain and contributed to "turning me on" at least i don't have that issue as well of Zera Levatala.
Part of what makes this tick and the underlying root of my urges is the "thrill" behind it and i have actually discussed this with my wife.
The example i have given to her in the past would be the idea and thrill of doing something or going somewhere inappropriate would get me off as much as actually doing it.
It's the fantasy behind the substance that i guess makes me tick.
BH i haven't acted on any of these urges past viewing inappropriate content and getting that temporary thrill before dropping it after a few minutes and moving on with my day.
Anyways, onto my current situation. I have had a real rough year financially which has also been a blessing in disguise because that caused my relationship with hashed to become much more real and tangible over the last few months.
I have that connection now which i desperately craved and could have used earlier on in life. Additionally i am working on learning more and having a deeper connection with both hashem and my wife and this issue was holding me back.
While i signed up for this program a few months back i decided to jump into again now and BH i have been clean from viewing content for 8+ days now.
I do get urges here and there over the last few days and i do have bad thoughts that pop into my brain but i have been successful in pushing those away by keeping my eye on the prize. 
Looking forward in getting to know some of you and working together to keep ourselves Holy.
I will try and be active and post more about specific urges and other things at a later point.
Some of those things probably belong in the married mens forum.

Thanks for reading and i would appreciate all your comments and tips going forward.

TP1

Hey, it sounds like you are serious about breaking free, and have done some good moves along those lines, BH. Keep it up, stick around, there's loads to learn here, and please keep us posted as to where you are holding. We could always use some inspiration:) 
Keep trucking!

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha! Read the threads on the forums and get an idea what has helped others here.

Welcome and thank you for the beautiful bio. It's Really nice of you to write that all up, I like it.

I'm sorry to hear about your financial stress, but I'm happy to hear that your relationship with Hashem and wife is enhancing.

You joined a stunning community, we are here for you - no matter the mood or level of success.

Look around. Read. Learn. Ask. Grow. Share. Focus on the good.

Wishing you much luck,
Looking forward to learning from you,

Very impressive, using a nisayon as a catalyst for growth! Really inspiring! Yes keep us posted and maybe start a thread also in the baalei battims forum, so you can speak freely. Also, try reaching out to HHM, he has helped many of us tremendously, myself included.

Welcome! Sounds like you would enjoy and gain from The Battle of the Generation (free ebook, see below in my signature). Also check out Vehkam's thread, in the "On the way to 90 days" tab called Work in Progress.

Welcome Rabbi tp1!  (Im hoping you can find a better username).
You made the right choice in joining and posting on this wonderful site. 
While there are many different tools on here like the forums and the chizuk and the books. Ive found the greatest benefit to be the F2F program. 
Its based on smart recovery try it out. 
It will give you lots of tools and insight. 

thanks, will reach out to him when i have the chance.

9 days for me.

While i had some urges and thoughts pop up i worked on some of the things i picked up on the videos that i have been watching.
Here is a question for everyone here?
What is considered a fall?
For myself while i am obviously working on myself in regards to kedushah and the thoughts, fantasies and urges that are in my head and obviously the need to work on avoiding the triggers that spark them. 
I think for myself a fall would be reverting to viewing illicit content online, but how do the rest of you guys gauge it?

This is the fake answer

What constitutes a "Fall" to require restarting the count?
There are "slips" and there are "falls". "Slips" do not require restarting the count. "Falls" do require restarting.
A "Fall" is one of the following things:

1. Intentional masturbation (with finish)
2. Intentionally viewing improper sites
3. Intentionally calling inappropriate telephone numbers
4. Intentionally seeking out and reading erotica

The real answer is, whatever you consider a fall is a fall .
And than get back up

tp1 wrote on 02 Nov 2023 20:09:

I first worked on just avoiding porn, viewing would be a fall. 
Then it was masturbation with finish
Then it was touching without finish
Then it was getting erect intentionally for more then a few seconds. Meaning sometimes a fantasy will pop in and make me aroused but then i need to move on and not continue. 
So you start where you feel want to start and stick to that thru thick and thin
Good Luck tp1! (please give me a better name to call you....)

Ok so all those categories would be considered a fall So what category does masturbation without finishing (and without viewing illicit content) fall into out of curiosity? 

BH i have been 100% clean other then the occasional thought, idea or urge that pops into my head. 

I have set my personal "bar" at Finishing.. If I don't finish, it is not a fall, but I hope to move those marks as I get stronger 

adam2014 wrote on 03 Nov 2023 12:06:

Keep in mind that as the pleasure floods the body, the rational logical part of the brain is no longer in control.  It may not be possible or it may me extraordinarily difficult to keep to your goal.

 The easiest way to avoid finishing is to avoid starting in the first place.  That is pretty true for this nisayon at any level. 

best wishes 
vehkam

10000%  AGREE.... Avoiding starting is the best way