i would like to share with dear friends about my journey 
my English is poor like a chasidishe boy a hope you'll undestand me 
so now will i start my story as i can remember  

1 i can remember like a dream, i play some time with a friend in the age of about 5 but i can't remember more if i did it or he called me to do it but my brain wasn't clean of it 
2 i can remember my kitte beis rabby use to speak about this and i remember whenever he talk about it i feel uncomfortable
3 than i remember when i was in kitte daled, i have a friend in class who went in with other kids in toilet  (he is not frim as we talking)
i can remember i ask other friends what did he do, than i decide to do it as well (because i also wanted to be part of the chevre) but ones i get out, i feel its wrong
but i scerd to tell the rabby so I straight told it to another friend to tell the rebby. (i was the masser cat ) i still remember how the stupid and un responsible Rabby did the hearing and the witnesses and much more opposite the all class. b"h the menahel didn't punish me than but few month later the same boy say me un nice word than the menahel gave me a real punishment
4 than when I was about 11 or 12 I can't remember which age. 2 older bucherim force me to play with them they ask me about some hall in the neighbourhood where it is and i went with them to help lost 2 older boys
but ones i get closer a wanted to get back home than they force me to come with them
i was very strong i really didn't want to and they did me really painful things in that place but i kept very strong  then
i didnt told my father because in my mind i feel i cause it and its my fault 
ill continue beh''sh

moty wrote on 17 Oct 2023 15:06:

Welcome tzadik!
Abuse is very painful and damaging. How are you doing these day? Are you getting  (or did you get)  help?
We're here for you. 
By the way there is also a yiddish site hitdanoigen.com/

now ill continue 
5 at the age of about 13 i masturbate the first time 
i didn't know that is .............
but i never touch or look on others
until one shabes some guy met me  in the mikveh and i start a relationship with him
he shoe me bad pictures and videos and i ask him dont show it again i cant Handel it I'm too young  im a masmid  i dont want you to show me this stuff
i use to run from one man to other but only older man 
i never touch a child or someone under 18 even when i was under age i was with adults only
i have some guy who use to come to my fathers house with his car, i scared to get out of my house ....he use to manipulate me for years (he's still calling me from time to time)
in one note all my childhood was about sex in a forced way 
at the age of 16 i stop masturbating 
but i was still running whenever possible to find an other one to get my pleasure

than i got married i bought a phone and i found me watching stupid things 
i decide its damaging my brain so i broke it and i bought a new TAG'D phone 
but i use to go to internet café and i stop this behavior as well  
BUT i found me in very worsen places 
but im not masturbating for many years 

First Welcome! (sorry if I'm late).
I'm sorry to hear of all the pain and terrible abuse you went through, I really hope that you got/get the necessary help needed.
Keep up your shteiging! Looking forward to hear more from you.

thank you all brothers
i going to a therapist every week, to help me find out who I'm really  
not to see me as a worse and failure 
the work isn't easy, but with god's help ill get better 
​btw I'm already sober for about 4 month meaning to say clean at all b''h  

My dear friend, Moty. The pain is all over your words. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm happy that you see a therapist, but we all need friends,too. My friend, I send you a bear hug. It's the least I can do. You are very brave and courageous that you are working hard to become healthier. Please keep us posted, let us know how you are. And of course, Keep trucking!

Hello, holy brothers,
it's been a long time since i gave you an update about my progress,
I'm so glad to inform you about my journey, how god save my life so fortunate
as (if) you guys remembers i couldn't get sober for a very long time,
i tried therapy for 9 month and i joined SA 12 steps program,
BUT I couldn't stay sober for more than a few weeks.
My disease progressed like crazy. I crossed any boundary I ever had.
i didn't care about my physically life, my marriage was a question mark,
i could have been arrested more than once, because of my acting out,
i could have been murdered, stabbed, robbed,
i tested many times for STD,
bekitzer a disaster
its a miracle that im still alive,
thank god that he sent me to a different therapist, a C-SAT,
and after 15 minutes talking he said to me, i can't help you,
i'm not taking you as a client
i felt hopeless but he told me that there is a place for me to go,
and he sent me over to a rehab center,
he claimed that i have too much trauma and that's the reason why i cant get sober,
he said to me you should go there before its too late,
i can never be grateful enough for this minute of feeling hopeless,
my life has changed drastic,
i did a lot of trauma work and i started working the 12 steps with my sponsor,
im not perfect and i will never be perfect,
but im doing a lot of progress,
i still have a lot do get better but im on the right path,
i feel a different person, my life is changing day by day,
im not comfortable at all, to be so vulnerable, but the reason why i shared it with you is because i want you to remember,
1 addiction is a deadly disease,
2 its progressing,
3 don't go to a therapist who is not a c-sat,
4 don't give up,
5 there is hope for everyone,
6 ,progress not perfection
7 god delights with me (you), he knows me fully and loves me dearly
8 Hashem is great, and never rejected me (you) i was with me even in the darkest places,
9 I'm (you) not evil, I'm just sick
10 ,I'm (you) a beautiful pure soul
thanks for letting me share

I just read through your posts and it seems you've been through hell on earth!

I am so happy you found something that works for you and are on the way to recovery.

Hatzlacha Raba!

PS Yes hashem loves you, me and all of his other beautiful children.

Holy moty,
There is no words to describe how brave you are going through so much and you didn't gave up, you are on a higher level of even the biggest Tzodik who doesn't deal with so hard Nisyones.

Chozock V'amutz!

Wow, I remember your story, it’s been a long while!

Thank you for this beyond incredibly inspiring update, this is a real chizuk for so many people!

Please continue to keep us posted.

OMG! cant believe your back, and with that rich English! were you pick that up bro?

keep inspiring us.

cande wrote on 10 Sep 2024 03:47:

are you making fun of me ?
I'm in a rehab right now, and the only language i can speak is English   

good morning
unfortunately i lost my sobriety today,
but i didn't lost 87 days of being sober and doing god's will,
it's very very very painful,
but im suffering from a disease which is much stronger then me,
it's very powerful and i can't fight it,
im lucky that hashem gave me 87 day but it was a miracle,
im really really powerless over lust,
without a power greater myself i can't stay sober,
i'm doing a lot to stay sober, i have boundaries,
there is a lot of places where i can't go,
i have to be honest all the time,
I may not touch an unfitered device, or even a fitered device i can always find a way how to act out,
but hashem send me a good and painful reminder that im powerless.
and he wants me to get closer to him,
i still have to figure out with my sponsor, therapist, what's the reason i relapsed,
what i should do differently in order to be able to stay sober,
and having a happy life,not being in prison, not being a slave, not being miserable,
feeling a failure, being able to look the world in the eyes, and much more,
im praying and hope for only one day of sobriety and not using my relapse as an excuse to act out today,
i wanna stay sober even i can't say that i'm sober for longer periods of time,
i still wanna stay sober one day at a time,
thanks for letting me share

Moty! My heart aches for yours. Such abuse, such pain! You're doing amazing work. 87 days seems unattainable for many.
If i can change one thing, and I'm curious about what they say about this in rehab-- it doesn't sound to me like you have a lust issue- which to me sounds like yetzer hara- you have a trauma issue, big difference
We are all here with you, rooting for you

richtig wrote on 22 Sep 2024 19:26:

From what I have learned,
that the reason why I found this escape is a result of trauma,
but as long as I'm going back to my coping mechanism I can't get Healed from the trauma,
the addiction is acting as a trauma response,
but i have to build new skills how to respond differently,
so by taking in lust im not responding from a healthy place,
addiction is a combination of trauma and symptoms which is my drug of choice,
healing has to be physically (not acting out and self care, sleep, eating,)
emotionally to know how to deal with emotions and feelings,
mentally to build up self esteem and other negative self beliefs,(which is a result of trauma) and not to be obsessed about lust and sex,
and spiritually which is having a loving and close relationship with god, addiction is a god hunger,
I hope i have been clear enough,