Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing.
First off you've taken a great step forward by posting over here. Opening up about this challenge and reaching out to others is a great way to improve in this area.
Let me just say that it might be comforting to hear that you're not alone in your feelings. Many, if not most of us, have this feeling of "ad mosai Hashem". Sometimes we just want to rid ourselves of these challenges and yet despite our greatest efforts, we feel like this struggle is never-ending. And yes, there's no denying it, it's definitely painful. And especially in your and my situation, in which we are in 'the parsha' were we feel like this might be a handicap to us.
Another thing that I would like to point out is that these challenges can hit even the most devout amongst us. And therefore don't feel that because despite all your efforts of davening, learning etc., without seeing any yeshua, something must be wrong with you. Just continue to daven, learn, and do good things and make sure that you keep it within healthy boundaries. What I mean with that is that trying to overexert yourself in the hopes of getting your yeshuah, is very likely guilt-driven and might lead to burn-out.
Many times some of us might feel that because we fall in these areas, our Avoidas Hashem isn't on the same level anymore and perhaps chas ve'shalom worthless. The effects of such feelings is needless to say not very helpful. I believe the general recommendation would be to separate this challenge from the rest of our Avoidas Hashem. You're falling in this area. Ok, fine. But don't let that make you feel unworthy. Do you feel the same guilt every time you say loshon hora. My guess is not. These guilt feelings are a great tactic of the yetzer hara.
The fact that Hashem chose us for these challenges, doesn't diminish our greatness, but on the contrary, proves our greatness. Hashem believes that we can overcome it. He gave you and me this gift, to be mekadeish His name in our holy of holies. And he gave it to us not once, not twice, but sometimes every single day, if not multiple times a day. And instead of focusing on our losses, let's appreciate the wins. Even the small ones. No, ESPECIALLY the small ones. You were walking on the street and you decided not to look for once. Wow!
You have a burning taivah and really wanted to give in and it was burning to no end, and yet you postponed for an hour. Amazing!!
Yes, you might have fallen in the end. But do you really think that's a complete loss. NO WAY. This is a win.
This is a challenge that must be taken day by day. Each day counts. Each little win counts. You fell. Don't look at that and don't focus on that.
Keep asking Hashem. Keep learning. Keep giving tzedakah. And don’t give up. Keep going.
You mention that despite having filters, you still fall. May I ask what is causing you to fall?
Once we’re able to pinpoint where we fall, we can begin to devise strategies and creating gedarim. One small geder now. And another small geder afterwards. Etc. Sometimes the reason we fall is due to having to easy access. Well then we have to find a way to make the access harder. And as much as the obstacle might be external, we also have to pinpoint the internal ones.
One last point I feel worth mentioning is that, when it comes to these areas, many times we become hyperfocused on it. It can consume us to no end and absorb our thoughts throughout much of the day. I truly believe that being “mesiach da’as” as much as we can from these things, can help improve our situation.
You call yourself “I can do it!!!”
Keep telling yourself that, because eventually you will succeed!!
Yours truly,
AM