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I have finally faced the truth 20 Sep 2023 19:47 #401357

Hey chevra! 
 I have finally come to admit to myself that I need outside help to get through this. Just a quick background about me, I am in my early 20s and consider myself to be a right-leaning Modern Orthodox guy from a family that holds those same hashkafos, (we have things about us that are more considered classic yeshivish and things about us that are more modern orthodox.) I have had struggles with P and M for the past bunch of years basically since I have been in 8th grade. There have been stretches of time where I have felt like the desire has possessed me and there have been plenty of occurrences where I have fallen multiple times in one day. There have also been periods of time where I have felt that the desire has left me and I have gone weeks and sometimes a month or 2 or 3 without having strong urges and when those times have come I have been able to recognize it, not take it for granted and Thank Hashem for allowing me to feel free of the incredibly difficult nisayon. I have given a lot of Tzedakah (BH, I have the ability to do so), I have filtered all my personal devices, listened to A LOT of shiurim, and have davened like crazy. I feel like I have done all the hishtadlus I basically can and I still am severely struggling. BH, there is no part of me that even has the thought of giving up and I continue to fight but like I just ask Ad masai Hashem? I have been fighting for so long and I dont feel like I am close to my yeshuah. I also have recently started shidduchim and I dont even want to entertain the idea of finding my zivug and still having this nisayon be as severe as it is currently is. I want to find a kallah bkarov and I want to build an amazing home, but like I am asking my fellow friends on this forum, what else can I do to make substantial change to make sure I break free?
I will never ever stop fighting!

Re: I have finally faced the truth 20 Sep 2023 22:08 #401360

  • bright
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My friend you have come to the right place! This post of yours can be the answer to your prayers if you so choose. For starters an accountability partner can really help, along with the F2F program. We are all here for you! 
Nothing good grows in the dark. 

Re: I have finally faced the truth 21 Sep 2023 12:34 #401400

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing.

First off you've taken a great step forward by posting over here. Opening up about this challenge and reaching out to others is a great way to improve in this area.

Let me just say that it might be comforting to hear that you're not alone in your feelings. Many, if not most of us, have this feeling of "ad mosai Hashem". Sometimes we just want to rid ourselves of these challenges and yet despite our greatest efforts, we feel like this struggle is never-ending. And yes, there's no denying it, it's definitely painful. And especially in your and my situation, in which we are in 'the parsha' were we feel like this might be a handicap to us. 

Another thing that I would like to point out is that these challenges can hit even the most devout amongst us. And therefore don't feel that because despite all your efforts of davening, learning etc., without seeing any yeshua, something must be wrong with you. Just continue to daven, learn, and do good things and make sure that you keep it within healthy boundaries. What I mean with that is that trying to overexert yourself in the hopes of getting your yeshuah, is very likely guilt-driven and might lead to burn-out.

Many times some of us might feel that because we fall in these areas, our Avoidas Hashem isn't on the same level anymore and perhaps chas ve'shalom worthless. The effects of such feelings is needless to say not very helpful. I believe the general recommendation would be to separate this challenge from the rest of our Avoidas Hashem. You're falling in this area. Ok, fine. But don't let that make you feel unworthy. Do you feel the same guilt every time you say loshon hora. My guess is not. These guilt feelings are a great tactic of the yetzer hara.

The fact that Hashem chose us for these challenges, doesn't diminish our greatness, but on the contrary, proves our greatness. Hashem believes that we can overcome it. He gave you and me this gift, to be mekadeish His name in our holy of holies. And he gave it to us not once, not twice, but sometimes every single day, if not multiple times a day. And instead of focusing on our losses, let's appreciate the wins. Even the small ones. No, ESPECIALLY the small ones. You were walking on the street and you decided not to look for once. Wow!
You have a burning taivah and really wanted to give in and it was burning to no end, and yet you postponed for an hour. Amazing!!
Yes, you might have fallen in the end. But do you really think that's a complete loss. NO WAY. This is a win.

This is a challenge that must be taken day by day. Each day counts. Each little win counts. You fell. Don't look at that and don't focus on that. 

Keep asking Hashem. Keep learning. Keep giving tzedakah. And don’t give up. Keep going.

You mention that despite having filters, you still fall. May I ask what is causing you to fall?

Once we’re able to pinpoint where we fall, we can begin to devise strategies and creating gedarim. One small geder now. And another small geder afterwards. Etc. Sometimes the reason we fall is due to having to easy access. Well then we have to find a way to make the access harder. And as much as the obstacle might be external, we also have to pinpoint the internal ones.

One last point I feel worth mentioning is that, when it comes to these areas, many times we become hyperfocused on it. It can consume us to no end and absorb our thoughts throughout much of the day. I truly believe that being “mesiach da’as” as much as we can from these things, can help improve our situation.

You call yourself “I can do it!!!”
Keep telling yourself that, because eventually you will succeed!!

Yours truly,

AM

Re: I have finally faced the truth 21 Sep 2023 13:12 #401404

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Welcome!

Check out The Battle of the Generation. (See the link below in my signature. From there you can download it free, and there also is a link to buy it on amazon for around $10.) It's a real game-changer, especially in having the right attitude on our challenges.

Also if audio is more your thing, check out The Fight by Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier. (Link is also below.)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: I have finally faced the truth 21 Sep 2023 18:55 #401433

Thank you so much for the kind words and chizuk. In terms of the gedarim, over the past few months I have found holes in my filters that have allowed me to be given access to pritzus. BH I have since been able to close those holes and block them out to allow me to not find loopholes again. The biggest problem over the past few months has been a laptop that is for my parents which they don't use all that often which up until a few days ago was only lightly filtered if even. A few days ago I couldn't handle it and filtered the laptop to the standards that I know are great. Bez''H these gedarim will help!
I will never ever stop fighting!

Re: I have finally faced the truth 21 Sep 2023 22:43 #401445

  • ainshumyeiush
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Hey chevra! 
 I have finally come to admit to myself that I need outside help to get through this. Just a quick background about me, I am in my early 20s and consider myself to be a right-leaning Modern Orthodox guy from a family that holds those same hashkafos, (we have things about us that are more considered classic yeshivish and things about us that are more modern orthodox.) I have had struggles with P and M for the past bunch of years basically since I have been in 8th grade. There have been stretches of time where I have felt like the desire has possessed me and there have been plenty of occurrences where I have fallen multiple times in one day. There have also been periods of time where I have felt that the desire has left me and I have gone weeks and sometimes a month or 2 or 3 without having strong urges and when those times have come I have been able to recognize it, not take it for granted and Thank Hashem for allowing me to feel free of the incredibly difficult nisayon. I have given a lot of Tzedakah (BH, I have the ability to do so), I have filtered all my personal devices, listened to A LOT of shiurim, and have davened like crazy. I feel like I have done all the hishtadlus I basically can and I still am severely struggling. BH, there is no part of me that even has the thought of giving up and I continue to fight but like I just ask Ad masai Hashem? I have been fighting for so long and I dont feel like I am close to my yeshuah. I also have recently started shidduchim and I dont even want to entertain the idea of finding my zivug and still having this nisayon be as severe as it is currently is. I want to find a kallah bkarov and I want to build an amazing home, but like I am asking my fellow friends on this forum, what else can I do to make substantial change to make sure I break free?

just some thoughts i had that seem appropriate here; sometimes we aren't getting the help we need because we know to much. Like (im sure this applies for most people here) we read books/articles/forums about addiction in general porn addiction specifically. And we‘ve researched different ways to quit and tried some of them with varying degrees of success. But we just cant seem to stay clean. 
i realized that i was so confident that i knew all there was to know that i wasn't really ready to listen to anybody else.
big mistake
i finally accepted that i couldn't do this on my own.
i never realized how much people who were actually staying clean knew and were able to share. 
stick around, get in touch with some people and see how much you you can learn. Good luck  
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill

Curiosity kills the count

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/401159-This-time-for-real?limit=15&start=15#401727


feel free to get in touch
ainshumyeiush@gmail.com 

Re: I have finally faced the truth 22 Sep 2023 15:56 #401485

i can do it!!! wrote on 21 Sep 2023 18:55:
Thank you so much for the kind words and chizuk. In terms of the gedarim, over the past few months I have found holes in my filters that have allowed me to be given access to pritzus. BH I have since been able to close those holes and block them out to allow me to not find loopholes again. The biggest problem over the past few months has been a laptop that is for my parents which they don't use all that often which up until a few days ago was only lightly filtered if even. A few days ago I couldn't handle it and filtered the laptop to the standards that I know are great. Bez''H these gedarim will help!

Amazing!! You're taking great steps in the right direction.

It doesn't however mean that the war is over just yet and the main change is the internal one.
But as long as our surroundings make it easy for us to fall, our chances for progress are not so high.

Keep it up, one step at a time!! And please keep us posted.

Wishing you a great Shabbos!

AM

Re: I have finally faced the truth 22 Sep 2023 17:05 #401488

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Thanks for sharing! Wishing you Hatzlacha Raba! Don’t forget, we are all here for each other!

Re: I have finally faced the truth 22 Sep 2023 22:42 #401499

  • eerie
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Welcome, my friend! You will find that joining a group of like-minded people, people trying to get past unhealthy sexual behaviors, will itself be a very strong thing in helping you break free
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com
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