redfaced wrote on 02 Nov 2023 14:24:

maybe. Today I feel more like Poe. 
“For the love of G-d!!”

chaimoigen wrote on 02 Nov 2023 16:15:

Yikes !! Hope you don't share that ending.
Heres a tight hug

My Dear friend, who threw Yiush out the window, your words are beautiful! Keep it up! You write that you don't want a smartphone because of your weakness. And that is one of your greatest strengths

Thank you to everyone for helping me strengthen my resolve. I have some more thoughts on the topic, but ill post them later. 

@chaimoigen, even when you feel like poe, if you hear the telltale heart of porn beating and beckoning you, remember its but a body under the floorboards. (for those of you that didn't catch that, don't worry about it)

Some more on the smartphone topic, i feel a need to reinforce my conviction. I didn't grow up somewhere where i would see adults using flip phones, so i often assumed that flip phones were for bocherim and ‘responsible grownups‘ got ‘real‘ phones so i have to rewrite that script.

ill share a story over here. Bob refers to my brother. 
i was home for bein hazmanim and was talking to my younger sister when she said "i miss flip phone Bob, smartphone Bob is always busy. I feel like i don't know him anymore" sad but true.
another point, i read a study (online, ironically) that the average national attention span is shrinking. The study linked this downhill trend with the timeline of smartphones and internet becoming common. I don't know how proven this is, but i would be shocked if it wasn't true to an extant.
another article i saw was about the nature of online discussions. I forgot the term they used, but the idea was that people notice negative posts more than positive ones. And we get a thrill from people responding/liking our posts. So when people want responses they post negative things to get reactions (unconsciously) so the whole internet has created a culture of negativity that affects us.
there's a few more points i thought about, but they're slipping my mind right now. 
 im busy with this now, because my phone is starting to slow down and parts are literally falling off, so its tempting that once im getting a new phone anyway.... 

I have heard Rabbanim say, and I wholeheartedly agree, that perhaps to the very same degree that the internet has broken our barriers and Gedarim in Kedusha and created terrible Nisyonos and Michsholim by opening Jewish homes to the Pritzus, promiscuity and Nevala of the world, so too online access and it's culture and attitude has completely broken our Gedarim and DESTROYED our sensitivity to Lashon Hara, Rechilus, Onaas Devarim and the entire Yiddishe way of relating to other people.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 02 Nov 2023 05:01:

Regarding the very profound difference between having a "ticking time-bomb" in your pocket (read: a smartphone) and internet access in general - which allows for the connection to GYE:
I heard from a chashuve Rav who is closely involved with one of the Ziknei Roshei Yeshiva on the Moetzes that the Moetzes was considering strongly making a takana that those who need internet access should use a tablet instead of a smartphone so that at least they don't need to have every nisayon under the sun in their pocket all the time.
I also came to the conclusion that running away from internet access is not going to be the solution for me, and I was yet less industrious than you and did not figure out how to get GYE on my flip phone - so I'm here with a plain old laptop.
But a smartphone is a different animal. I look at my brothers in law who all have smartphones and I try to be dan l'kaf zchus, but the honest part of me is with Hashem Help Me - it's hard to know how many people simply don't have the courage to walk away from the smartphone world.
Yes, it's a different world - Whatsapp, instagram, etc. It's hard for them to walk away from it. But they are looking at you and secretly they admire you and they wish they had the guts to do the same thing themselves.
I was shmoozing with one of said shvuggers and he was busy going on about people who don't have smartphones but then they need this that or the other and they can't get it and they anyway go to the internet yada yada. After going back and forth for a little while as I asked him why he can't understand that people are trying their best to be careful he finally says to me
"I guess it just makes me upset because I feel like they are better than me." Ad Kan Devarav
The truth under it all.
(And I don't look down on him for it - he's a good guy and he has had a very different life and background than me and he's out there everyday doing his best. But he is obviously a bit self-conscious about it)

I will just add from The Battle of the Generation Addendum B on Social Pressure
"When you stand up for what’s important to you in the face of strong desire and peer pressure, you ultimately gain only respect from yourself and others. Even if they insult you, deep down they respect you and are blown away by your strength to stand up for what you value. Though they might be embarrassed to admit it publicly, they will eventually tell you that they admire you and wish they could be like you. You will be everyone’s inspiration to change. Though it might at first seem that others look down on you, you will ultimately realize that they look up to you as a hero."

Regarding the attention span and other detrimental aspects of the media that is constantly being thrown at us from all sides, there is a very nicely researched article from R' Leib Kelemen (A Baal teshuva psychologist, talmid of R' Wolbe) regarding the effects of television at
aish.com/48924702/
It is only a drop in the ocean of what the effects of the internet are.
Chazak V'ematz!

There are different opinions about smartphones. It is possible to use technology only for good things but one must be very disciplined. Many people , especially those struggling, would be better off without them but having a smartphone is not necessarily a sign of weakness.

I am currently holding my personal record for most days clean consecutively (the previous attempt was 19, and even that was only with the gye and all of you guys) and i want to take a minute to share some thoughts. 
right now i have the most clarity, and the most confusion, that Ive ever had about porn. Not sure how to explain it, but i hope you know what i mean. 
im excited for hitting 30 days clean. Its no longer a date i put on the calendar, and then erase and move everyday until i give up. Its actually in sight. And as far as the whole debate about what happens when you hit your goal, i thought of it as someone whos 20 looking forward for his 21st birthday so he can buy alcohol. What happens when he gets there? Is that his whole goal and now there's nothing to live for? Or is it just a mile marker of time to focus on? 
another thing i want to mention, is that sometimes when im dealing with an urge, just knowing that i have a few people to call can help make it easier. Its happened a few times that ill get hit by a urge during seder, and just knowing that i can call someone if its still there when seder is over helps make it seem smaller. And often, it gone by the time seder is over. 
i cant say that i know myself fully, but speaking with people about how i feel, and how certain emotions contribute to feeling triggered has helped me to understand how i relate with myself. Instead of drowning my emotions with porn, im learning to deal with them. It sucks sometimes, but its much better than living in a haze.
i cant say that i feel closer to hashem, and i know that takes time and effort, but at least i don't feel that im actively ignoring Him. And now the path is open for improving my connection to Him.
i feel much less self conscious about my body and myself. 
i notice when im objectifying women, as opposed to not even realizing it.
i know i still have a lot of work i have to put in, but knowing im on the right trajectory is very nice. 

ainshumyeiush wrote on 07 Nov 2023 00:51:

Amazing! Keep it up! Love your attitude!


Not particularly.


Have to say that every clean streak, and really every time we resist, brings us closer to the ultimate goal in a huge way. Its like finishing a masechta in a way. Of course theres kol hatorah but that doesnt mean we shount celebrate the major accomplishment of completion. We should use our righteous pride to go meychayil el chayil. Look what I can do, what Ive accomplished. What I can do in the future. That is the only way to succeed. (see gra mishlei ayshes chayil on the words hi tishalal)






Your connection to Hashem is amazing, whether you feel it or not. He is your Father and proud of every effort you make, which would make him quite proud indeed. The YH has a way of making us dull to our connection to Hashem, but just as you wouldnt touch a live wire, despite not seeing the electricity, it is equally dangerous to ignore the reality that you are extremely close with him!


Theres always work. Haba letaher mesayiin oso. 

Blah. Sometimes it seems like stronger urges are easier to deal with. It comes, you fight, you do whatever you have to do and move on. But these less intense ‘itches‘ are a killer. I just cant seen to shake it off. It just keeps coming back the whole day. And then i wasn't as careful as usual on the streets. Blah. Im going to move my daily battle of the generation reading from later tonight to now, and maybe do some f2f stuff. If its still driving me nuts or gets worse ill call someone. Just have to make it to tomorrow.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 00:03:

Hang in there!! 
A huge wave of desire feels like what it is, a powerful lusting. But that “itch” makes you feel like that tickle of desire is what you want, it can drive a guy mad… 
Been there, friend. 
It’s gets easier (usually). 

I love what you wrote in your earlier post: 

Awesome! KUTGW! We’re rooting for you. 

Chaim

I want. I like I love. I crave. I could. I can. I should. I need. I will.

I don't want. I dislike. I hate. I abhor. I couldn't. I cant. I shouldn't. I don't need. I wont.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 03:05:

May help a bit to focus on how it depends on how you "dot the I", brother...
"I" am...?" Core desires, sense of self, essential identity....

And also - blah. It sucks, to have to deal....
sorry, know how it feels a little.
Hang tight.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 03:05:

Brings to mind an awesome signature from a Chaver:
I came
I saw
I conquered
I failed
Too much I.