Try making time to write up what you learn. Even if you’re just sitting down to write a Sikum of what you came out with in a Seder , you’ll find that almost inevitably there will be greater clarity, Chiddushim, and greater satisfaction as a result of doing so. 
Takes a couple nights to get the hang of it every night. 
It’s big.

I appreciate the suggestion, but by the time seder is over, im done. Extra learning bein hasederim is not for me. All of you guys who post about having been in kollel for years, or learning during your free time, i dont know how you do it.

Hashem
I'm writing this here because, as you know, whenever I daven I space out and forget what I wanted to tell you, and this is where I feel I can express myself clearly.
 you know how i got annoyed at that tzedaka pamphlet for having a qr code, yet  was wishing I had a smartphone earlier today.
you know how much i don't want to be in yeshiva, yet  want to live the life of a ben torah.
 you know how I know porn makes me withdraw from social interactions, yet I feel left on the outside now and want to turn to it for escape.
you know how  have an inflated ego, and at the same time I'm insecure
 you know how I have chumras I'm makpid on, yet there's some clear halachas i transgress without batting an eye.
 You know that my family calls me one name, and my friends call me another, and I'm not sure which one I am.
you know that I'm somewhat jealous of my friends with smartphones and how they seem to be able to use the internet and social media 'responsibly'
thank you for bmg's freezer, and this time for working on myself before moving on to shidduchim.
You know that I'm away from home and feel somewhat lost, thank you for all of my friends, but when there's nobody around I can either turn to porn and social media, or I can turn to you.

Hashem, I'm turning to you now. Please hold on to me. Help me stay strong. Help me stay busy. help me fix the parts of me that i need to fix. help me watch my eyes on the streets. help me find my unique place in this world.  help me be the person you want me to be

Hashem, there's so much I have to work on. I don't even know where to start. but please help me

Beautifully written. It tugs at the heartstrings of anyone who ever experienced this struggle. May Hashem answer your request for His help.

Very moving.  Keep talking to hashem.  He is always listening and he wants to hear from you.  Your struggle is precious to him.  Thank you for sharing with us 

starting off the day with tears in my eyes at my computer...

one think I know -  I wish I would have had GYE when I was your age, in your stage.
Keep doing what you're doing. You'll find yourself. And the world will be a better place for all that you'll accomplish, my thoughtful, wonderful, friend.

Here's a hug,
Chaim

Can anyone relate? There's times (like right now) where i feel an urge to go look at pictures that are specifically not porn. Im treating it the same as porn because a) it will very likely lead to that and b) its just more fantasy material. And its not a desire to go looking for one thing with a plan to end up by something else, its its own urge. 
probably coming fromfrom the same pplace, but thought i‘d share it here to help weaken the urge

On a different note, today is 7 on my new streak (yes i know its not about the days/numbers, but still...) 
and i want to mention something i saw on an old thread deep within the bowels of the forum. I think it was on big moishs path to tahara and the post was by dov, i think 
he said that if a women who was triggering you would realize that she was turning you on, she would vomit... 
felt that i should bring that back up. It helped me kinda put things into perspective a little.

Trust your gut feeling….

ainshumyeiush wrote on 22 Oct 2023 00:49:

yes i definitely can.
keep it up, we are rooting for you!

Holy stuff, holy stuff
You are my inspiration right now - thanks for posting!

Thanks for the Dov quote too!

Sometimes my "porn" isn't actually porn.. It could be a ad in a magazine of just a pretty women or something on TV. Then fantasy kicks in and it can become a problem fast... It could prompt me to go look at porn or the that image itself could be enough to trigger a fall. We are surrounded by things in this world that we should not see. It is very hard to stay clean.

Can relate so very much. And stuff i used to consider harmless fun, looks totally innocent to any mind other than mine.

(could backfire, but i would save these things for when im about to look at something worse, to use this instead)

Adam2014, to paraphrase your insightful words "porn isn't the only porn"
or as hashemhelpme has once told me, ‘lo sasuru‘ was said about women not porn. (no that doesn't mean porn is ok, you sick addicts)

True stuff. And, by the way, fantasy can also fit the bill, too...
Lo Sasuru means don't explore. There are many portals into the dark, hot, pit. Some of them are in my head.

I'm trying to stay in the light, with my friends.
How's the Zman going?