@connected i thought of his signature after @chaimoigen pointed out the whole "i" issue.

anyhow, some reflections from yesterday, which was really tough. I fell into the age old trap of "its not actually porn, it doesn't constitute a fall, ill just look a little to satisfy the craving and then ill be fine." i really should've seen it coming. There's only 2 ways it ends. Either with porn and/or acting out. Or with holding back, but you've fed the beast and now its worse. And now its super hard and frustrating to pull yourself away. Thankfully i only had to deal with the second option. But it was exhausting. And i cant afford to risk it again. This morning i realized that its pretty straightforward, just don't go looking for trouble and it wont come. Yes, i will probably have that ‘itch‘ come back at some point. But i have to just live with that discomfort. Thinking i can satisfy it to make it go away will either make it worse or make me fall.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 18:13:

No flights from Nauru these days?

Mitten zman!?!? 



*written from the smokeshop in nauru

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 18:13:

Truer words are hard to find. 
But-
what’s not always so straightforward is keeping  on not wanting to go looking for trouble…. 

I’ve been very successful BH with a no-internet-that’s-not-targeted-for-a-specific-use policy. But it took me a while to be ready to do that. To want it. 
(News flash- contrary to what I kept trying to tell myself- life isn’t boring.) 

Life is good. Especially here, with friends. 

keep trucking, AYSHY!

I want to scream. I want to punch the wall. Anything but turn to porn. Theres 9 billion ways to fall, and only one to stay clean. Who am i? Who do i want to be? Why am i even on this site? What do i want in life? These questions all involve the same thing, no porn. Blah. Just keep on trucking i guess.

play offense, not defense. be who you want to be.

Vehkam wrote on 10 Nov 2023 03:31:

You must find what fills you up, what gives you deep satisfaction in your core.....

ainshumyeiush wrote on 10 Nov 2023 01:55:

There are 2 things that need to change inside your brain. 
1. YOu need to separate yourself from your desires. You are not a Pornholic or Masturbator. You are a holy YID with a holy Neshama! 
You have so much to offer, you have so many interests, so many ideas! You are a small world! Yes, you also  have a sex drive thats been a little perverted and used in instacnes where it wasnt meant to be used, BUT. THATS. NOT. YOU!!!  Practice diffusion. Look it up on the F2F Program. 
2. Once you are able to grasp this, your brain will rewire to a great extent, and  you will be able to focus more on things that you actually want in life or hobbies that are healthy and good for you and those around you. 
The feeling of panic that i MUST look at porn or i MUST masturbate is nothing but an easily refutable lie, its just your brain doing what it was used to be doing, and not knowing how to do anything different. give it time and it will get better and easier. Trust me! The less you give in now, the less you will need to fight next time, every time you give in you are making it more difficult because you are getting your brain more and more hooked. 

For the first time in your life, allow yourself to feel free, you are not bound to anything, you dont need to do what your mind is telling you to, be free to enjoy the here and now.

Have a Zise Lechtiga shabbos everyone!!

When will i find my place? I don't want to be here in yeshiva. Or at least, im not really enjoying it. Everybody makes it look so easy. Just show up, sit down and learn. But i just cant get myself to do it. I could learn, Ive been told that i have a good head, but i don't feel like i get anything from it. And it doesn't help that i feel stuck over here. I need space to breath, and im not getting it. I value the concept of spending the whole day being involved in hashems Torah, having nothing to do but focus on Davening and learning and working on myself. But its a killer. 

I hear that. Have you reached out to anyone about it?

bright wrote on 13 Nov 2023 19:36:

i have. I need to call my rosh yeshiva back and tell him its not getting better

I hear. Sometimes these things come in waves. Especially at the beginning of a zman.... 

bright wrote on 13 Nov 2023 20:03:

i wish it was like that. The main difference between now and any other zman is that im not using porn and social media to escape the feelings

Today is day 30. I know i should celebrate, and i was looking forward for today for a while now, but honestly, i don't feel like it.
i almost wish i could go back to porn. I acknowledge that i used it to escape from the reality of life. And i still want to escape. Before it didn't bother me so much if a chavrusa dumped me, i felt frustrated with myself for not following the sugya, i felt trapped in yeshiva with no outlet or  i couldn't sit through a full Seder. Because i always had an alternative reality to disappear to. I could submerge myself in the fantasy world of porn and social media and be comfortably numb. 
Now i don't have that option. And i miss it. Yes there were negative effects, but i now have to deal with the negative parts of life. I almost want to give up and go back. Everyone talks about "feeling their emotions" "living in reality" "being able to interact with other people" and im not in the mood of that. 
im trustingtrusting you guys that it gets better, and im hoping these feelings pass, and im working on having healthy outlets. But i don't know if i enjoy it better this way

You may not be in the mood for it however real people live in the real world, and the real word sucks sometimes, especially when there is a lot of confusion in your life. That's when life sucks meets life is to overwhelming and the two of them attempt to bury you. However if you stick it out and work through it you eventually get to punch them in the face.