Hey everyone,

Hoping to receive some support here.

As an older single, I should have started shidduchim a while back. However, I have been pushing it off due to college. This was a mistake. A big one. But its too late. Now, however, I don't want to start the dating process being that I don't feel clean whatsoever for marriage. I am stuck.
As someone who studies long hours, the struggle is so tough. I can barely hold on for a few hours before I lose the battle. It feels terrible to know that you will succumb to your urges either in a few minutes or hours. Usually, one might be able distract oneself, perhaps by starting a conversation with someone, or even just working and staying busy which can "help" with the issue. However, unfortunately, as a hardworking devoted student that makes it really difficult and almost impossible, due to my long study hours. Over the last 2 years the occasional once a week developed into sometimes falling a few times a day.
I can't anymore. It is for this reason that I am here and hope to receive some guidance and support from the GYE community.

I have been trying to change for 2 years now but just fall deeper everytime. Like in a pit that keeps getting deeper every time you try to get out... 
I am frightened. I know if I don't change things will spiral put of control. This is why I'm here and Im hoping to receive some guidance and support.

It is so courageous of you! Many here can relate to the struggles of what was once a bad pastime that turned into a seemingly unbreakable habit. College is really hard and stressful, and the fact you are spending some of your precious free time on GYE shows you are willing to go the extra mile and IYH you will. Try the flight to freedom program together with reaching out to some of the tzaddikim here.I apologize in advance if this point turns into the topic of conversation on this post, but perhaps you should ask a shaila about your not getting married because of this? While I understand not wanting to get married because you dont want to betray a girl who is to be your future wife, maybe it is worthwhile to talk it over with a mentor or rebbi. 

formysake wrote on 24 Jul 2023 00:51:

Sounds like you're ready to make the internal changes necessary to beat this monster. There are some real gems here that have helped, mentored. pushed & prodded, literally hundreds of struggling people towards their recovery. Stick around , keep on posting & you'll get there !
Hatzlocha!

Welcome. 

Someone once told me to ask a busy guy if I needed a favor. It is the busy ones who know how to make and manage their time. 

Trying not to isolate has helped me a lot in the past. 

Good Luck. 

Hi! Welcome to the most amazing family! We are here for each other, we care about you, and we want to hear from you.
This place offers many tools that you can learn, try the flight to freedom, many great things there. But above all is human connection. Start out here in the forum, but try to prepare yourself to talk to someone. The powers of connection are, as I see it, number one you destroy the poison of secrecy. Number two, you can hear how somebody accpets you and respects you in spite of your struggles, and you can learn to do the same, Number three, a live person can hear you out. Just having someone to tell about what's going on is very powerful
My friend, the fact that your here shows that you want to do what's right. You were courageous enough to spill out dark secret for us all to see.That's gevaldig! And it's beautiful that you see yourself for what you are, a Yeshiva guy. Stick around, and beH you'll see yourself grow past this

Hi
I'm sorry to hear about Your pain and many here can relate to it, You are not alone and you've joined the community you need, There are many great people here that are always ready to help.
Keep on posting, sharing & connecting.
The F2F is a great tool to start with.
Wishing you all the best very soon!!!

Welcome! The fight is different when you are no longer alone. 
We can relate to your pain, to your unbelievable frustration, to how it feels.
There's good news - it's possible to get out of the cycle, to break free, to rise up. You can do it. So many here have done it. You clearly have courage and strength, and are a person of substance. 
Stick around, read some threads for inspiration (try Vehkam's thread here guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress) and, as my friend Eerie said, eventually reach out and talk to some folks here.
You''ll be glad you did. 
This is the first day of your journey to freedom, Boruch Hashem. 

Thank you so much for responding and for the advice.
I'm sure that the few minutes a day that I have to be able to come on this platform will get me a long way.
In addition, I will definitely try what you suggest regarding the shaila. The truth is, It's difficult, because talking to a Rebbi in these situations is extremely uncomfortable and I don't know that I have someone in mind to talk to about it....

I will try though.

Btw, I love your username, by which you announce that you know that your life will be so much better when this will be behind you, beH. You can do it! Keep sharing...and keep trucking!

Hi formysake!

First of all, congratulations for starting this post. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment. 
I feel like I can relate a lot to your situation. I was in college for four years, and the occasional fall eventually became a vicious cycle of guilt and emotional turmoil. Sometimes multiple times a day. I felt trapped, since I needed to be on the computer so much of the day, and felt isolated. It got to a point where I felt something needed to change or else... 
For me, the day I found GYE was a game-changer. I knew it then, but looking back, it was even more important than I could possibly have imagined at the time. If you stick to it, success is guaranteed. You just made a move that is shaking up the heavens and the earth!

You are not alone! So many of us have fallen prey to the dangers of the internet, and so many of us have found the tools and the siatta dshmaya to overcome. This is a struggle that we don't want, that we wish we never had to even think about, but now that we are here, we have to be 100% confident that the reward and satisfaction we'll have through this is exactly the כלי that Hashem is using to bring us to where we need to get to in life. 

There's a ton of great material on GYE, and the forum is priceless. If I could give one tip from my personal experience, I would say we need to have "chutzpah" against the yetzer hara. The yetzer hara himself is full of chutzpah. He gets us to fall, and says "come one, one look, there's nothing wrong," and then turns around and tells us we are worthless, evil, sick, you name it. We have to respond with our own kind of chutzpah. We have to say, even immediately after a fall, that I am an Eved Hashem and I am so happy about that. Not only that, but I am a Ben Melech. I may have fallen, but I know that that is not my essence, and I will not be embarrassed to daven, to learn, to do mitzvos, with all my heart and soul. And again, I am just so happy that I am serving Hashem and that the whole world was created for me. Say it in the Yetzer Hara's face!! And never stop!  

Welcome @formysake!

BH you are healthy and have desires and challenges. By joining here, you are on a great path.

You can call a halacha hotline to speak to a great Rabbi anonymously. They can chat on the phone with you and help you out. DM me if you want a number.