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TOPIC: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 290 Views
Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 16 Jun 2023 03:28 #397639
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About me:
- Married - 28 years old - Good looking - Muscular, athletic, & tall - Incredibly intelligent - High Social Aptitude - Grew up frum - Sent to Hasidic school where I got the absolute crap beat out of me My first draft of this post was lost when my computer suddenly died. Hence the brief format of the current post. I had spent 3 hours typing it up so please forgive me in advance for the brief manner in which I communicate to whomever is willing to read my story. \\ I left the school in grade due to the abuse and bullying, did not attend school at all for grade 6, transferred to another for grade 7 & 8 but seldomly attended. My time was spent at home reading or playing basketball at a local park. Despite a dysfunctional upbringing, getting accepted to a top yeshivah was a breeze. They all wanted this bright star future talmud/bachur. I attended a top tier out of town yeshivah with a beautiful sprawling campus. The yeshivah was my new home. The yeshiva was where I excelled for the very first time. The yeshivah was where I began developing an internal infrastructure of discipline, desire, and devotion. It was where I established strong bonds with good people which continue to this very day. It wasn't long before I became renowned as the Rosh Hayeshiva's anointed star. Alas, it was not to last. In grade 11 I began experiencing subtle degrees of free floating anxiety and bouts of depression. As the symptoms intensified it's impact on my performance and behavior did so as well. Beginning with missing the occasional minyan to completely abandoning Yeshivah and moving back home. As if losing the single environment I could ever call home wasn't bad enough.....The one place I had quality relationships, etc...more was to follow. As soon as I returned home the state of my anxieties and depression exploded exponentially. The pain was so great I prayed to G-d on the daily to take my neshama. It was precisely in that vulnerable and excruciatingly painful state that I began seeking relief wherever it could be found. Therapy and psychiatric medication had done nothing other than drain my father's wallet. I must emphasize that when I say "Wherever it could be found" that is to say everywhere except for addictive and harmful drugs/substances. What I did turn to was nightlife, modeling, and fitness/sports. Working as a Male stripper for women, VIP bartender, and Calvin Klein underwear model. Yes, you read all of those accurately. One day I'll write a book titled "From Adult Male dancer to Gadol Batorah"  Amidst the chaos however, G-d had not abandoned me. My father in heaven sent me a "Mentor" whom I consider a father and saves me from myself to this very day. Among the various vices I turned to for relief/escape was the internet. More specifically Social Media and dating applications such as Kiddushin and Gittin. With a few taps on my phone I had access to an overwhelming number of women who were more thhan willing to spend the evening with a tall, handsome, muscular, model, and Instagram star who had amassed a following of a whopping three hundred thousand followers!!!After approximately 9 years of living this way, I gradually with the assistance of my "Mentor, Parents, and other figures began to heal. I met a beautiful courageous woman who till this very moment is everything one can ask for in a partner and more. G-d turned my life around in a moment. Within a span approximating 11 months....I was and still am....attending daily minyanim, shiurim, have a chavrusa I learn with daily, a successful business model build from scratch, a community which has welcomed my wife and I with open arms, and most importantly G-d healed me in the most miraculous fashion from the panic attacks and depression plaguing me for over the better part of a decade. Nevertheless, what do I do and where do I stand with all the blessings G-d has heaped upon me??? I indulge in various forms of infidelity and bankrupting myself in the process. My wife knows nothing. I take all the precautions...filtering my devices does nothing...I merely purchase another device, download an application and have access to a plentiful amount of sexual partners. All the while improving on my Torah learning, Davening, business, and relationships to family and friends. The dichotomy in which I am living is quite literally unbelievable. Every day I take the blessings from my father in heaven and use them for devarim Assurim. This has returned me to a place all too familiar yet incredibly different. I praying to G-d to take my life not because I wish to die...quite the contrary actually. I pray to g-d to take my life because all I can seem to do with the blessings he showers upon me is destroy myself and those who love me in the process while I simultaneously build my palace in gehenom. I have no idea what to expect by writing into this forum. All I know is what my "Mentor" tells me. He told me to turn to the GYE organization so here I stand. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story. - "John/Jack Smith" |
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Re: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 16 Jun 2023 03:41 #397642
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"It ain't about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can GET hit, and keep moving forward, how much you can TAKE, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" |
Re: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 13 Jul 2023 23:43 #398771
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Hi, my name is ILH and I’m grateful for having to focus just on today.
Easy does it... I don't need to be perfect. If you figured out my identity, don't be shy, come say hi! It takes tons of courage to fight the good fight, but we don't have to do it all alone. My Story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/385922-My-Story-Being-Honest-For-Once |
Re: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 16 Jul 2023 04:10 #398841
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Re: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 19 Jul 2023 16:16 #398991
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Re: Thankful, grateful, and yet hypocritical 19 Jul 2023 16:31 #398992
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jacksmith wrote on 16 Jun 2023 03:28:
About me: - Married - 28 years old - Good looking - Muscular, athletic, & tall - Incredibly intelligent - High Social Aptitude - Grew up frum - Sent to Hasidic school where I got the absolute crap beat out of me My first draft of this post was lost when my computer suddenly died. Hence the brief format of the current post. I had spent 3 hours typing it up so please forgive me in advance for the brief manner in which I communicate to whomever is willing to read my story. \\ I left the school in grade due to the abuse and bullying, did not attend school at all for grade 6, transferred to another for grade 7 & 8 but seldomly attended. My time was spent at home reading or playing basketball at a local park. Despite a dysfunctional upbringing, getting accepted to a top yeshivah was a breeze. They all wanted this bright star future talmud/bachur. I attended a top tier out of town yeshivah with a beautiful sprawling campus. The yeshivah was my new home. The yeshiva was where I excelled for the very first time. The yeshivah was where I began developing an internal infrastructure of discipline, desire, and devotion. It was where I established strong bonds with good people which continue to this very day. It wasn't long before I became renowned as the Rosh Hayeshiva's anointed star. Alas, it was not to last. In grade 11 I began experiencing subtle degrees of free floating anxiety and bouts of depression. As the symptoms intensified it's impact on my performance and behavior did so as well. Beginning with missing the occasional minyan to completely abandoning Yeshivah and moving back home. As if losing the single environment I could ever call home wasn't bad enough.....The one place I had quality relationships, etc...more was to follow. As soon as I returned home the state of my anxieties and depression exploded exponentially. The pain was so great I prayed to G-d on the daily to take my neshama. It was precisely in that vulnerable and excruciatingly painful state that I began seeking relief wherever it could be found. Therapy and psychiatric medication had done nothing other than drain my father's wallet. I must emphasize that when I say "Wherever it could be found" that is to say everywhere except for addictive and harmful drugs/substances. What I did turn to was nightlife, modeling, and fitness/sports. Working as a Male stripper for women, VIP bartender, and Calvin Klein underwear model. Yes, you read all of those accurately. One day I'll write a book titled "From Adult Male dancer to Gadol Batorah" Amidst the chaos however, G-d had not abandoned me. My father in heaven sent me a "Mentor" whom I consider a father and saves me from myself to this very day. Among the various vices I turned to for relief/escape was the internet. More specifically Social Media and dating applications such as Kiddushin and Gittin. With a few taps on my phone I had access to an overwhelming number of women who were more thhan willing to spend the evening with a tall, handsome, muscular, model, and Instagram star who had amassed a following of a whopping three hundred thousand followers!!!After approximately 9 years of living this way, I gradually with the assistance of my "Mentor, Parents, and other figures began to heal. I met a beautiful courageous woman who till this very moment is everything one can ask for in a partner and more. G-d turned my life around in a moment. Within a span approximating 11 months....I was and still am....attending daily minyanim, shiurim, have a chavrusa I learn with daily, a successful business model build from scratch, a community which has welcomed my wife and I with open arms, and most importantly G-d healed me in the most miraculous fashion from the panic attacks and depression plaguing me for over the better part of a decade. Nevertheless, what do I do and where do I stand with all the blessings G-d has heaped upon me??? I indulge in various forms of infidelity and bankrupting myself in the process. My wife knows nothing. I take all the precautions...filtering my devices does nothing...I merely purchase another device, download an application and have access to a plentiful amount of sexual partners. All the while improving on my Torah learning, Davening, business, and relationships to family and friends. The dichotomy in which I am living is quite literally unbelievable. Every day I take the blessings from my father in heaven and use them for devarim Assurim. This has returned me to a place all too familiar yet incredibly different. I praying to G-d to take my life not because I wish to die...quite the contrary actually. I pray to g-d to take my life because all I can seem to do with the blessings he showers upon me is destroy myself and those who love me in the process while I simultaneously build my palace in gehenom. I have no idea what to expect by writing into this forum. All I know is what my "Mentor" tells me. He told me to turn to the GYE organization so here I stand. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story. - "John/Jack Smith" fascinating story, waiting to hear more:) |
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"It is not our abilities that show who we truly are, it is our choices.” ---- Albus Dumbeldore (as per Chris Columbus)
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