Hi all I’m in my mid 20s and I’m getting married in 2 months. I was sexually abused when I was 13, and I’ve had plenty of trauma  therapy in the past. I’m in a relatively healthy place right now, but I’ve had many years of struggles. I also know I’m more attracted to men than to women, and I’m really nervous about what to do in marriage. I’m in yeshiva and have an excellent support of rebbayim and friends. I’m also bh very gifted in learning and I absolutely love Torah. I’ve however over the years had a number of sexual encounters with friends, and I’m worried about what I should do if I ever find myself struggling in marriage. I want to make marriage work and I AM attracted to my kalla, but I know these feelings won’t just go away. I’m currently speaking to people (rabbayim/therapist) pre marriage. I just need all the advice and disatisa dishmaya I can get. Thanks all  

I can't begin to imagine the hell you went through with being abused. Thankfully I dont know anything about it from personal experience but this much I can share with you: I also struggled with being attracted to guys very intensely. After marriage, the attraction to guys still exists but it's not nearly the same intensity. If you are attracted to your kallah, and it sounds like you are confident of that, then iyH it will take the edge off of the struggle with guys. It won't eliminate it, but iyH it won't be such an in-your-face constant battle.
Wishing you the most hatzlacha and bracha 

I really hope that my desires can be channelled only to my future wife, but I’m also very nervous about what to do now when I’m in an emotional state (for the right reasons bh) but still. What am I supposed to do now, when I know there are still daily struggles, and it’s still 2 months till marriage. 

Hi! It sounds you are doing the right thing, talking to Rebbeim and therapists who know you and your history in detail. Keep that up, it is definitely the way to go. Having SAFE friends in addition to that is helpful, but it won't take the place of what they will do for you. You are amazing that sfter all you've been through you want to cut the unhealthy behavior out, and you are definitely doing the smart thing by preparing for marriage this way. Keep up the wonderful work and MAZAL TOV! Keep sharing!

Thank you. I do bh have a lot of good friends who I can talk to. However I also have a couple of very close friends whom I’ve had “relationships” with in the past, including one of my best friends who is also in the yeshiva. The 2 of us bh had a very productive conversation today, which included us starting to keep yichud with each other, and only spending time alone in public. Please daven for me

That's amazing. That's what I meant when I wrote "SAFE" friends. Keep up the great work, we will beH daven for your continued hatzlacha

Omain 

First, Mazel Tov on your upcoming wedding!! Hashem should bless you with a Kesher shell kayoma with harmony, peace, love, care, respect, health, wealth, parnassah, and Naches.

Second, it pains me to learn about your trauma. It must have been very hard to go thru such difficult things.

Third, regarding your concerns. Your concerns are very valid and real. However, you’re a smart fellow who has made yourself a network of good people, you also did a smart thing by signing up on GYE and sharing your concerns, this will definitely help you continue growing.

You that you are attracted to your kallah, thats a good thing and I pray that it stays that way and the two of you should BEH build a beautiful healthy relationship. Being attracted to guys while being married is a challenge that can sometimes escalate, however, if you are building your relationship with your wife in a healthy kosher way with love and respect then lots of the attraction for guys is likely to fall away. It can happen because of the physical satisfaction that you have, but more then that is the emotional part that no guy can fill if the relationship between husband and wife is healthy and kosher.

Btw, theres a Balei Battim forum that you can join once married.

First of all thank you for your kind broches omain vchain lemar. To an extent I’m not so worried about being able to make an emotional connection with my wife, as I’m good at speaking to to people and due to lots of situations I’ve been though have a very strong emotional side to me. The problem with that is that in the flip side I’ve made emotional connections to the wrong people. If I’m not feeling satisfied then I have “outlets”. The problem is they’re all completely osser. Thankfully I have “normal” things I enjoy doing to (sport music). I also bh as I said love learning. A part of me wishes I could just spend the rest of my life in a bais Medrush.  I really hope I have the strength, not just the knowledge, to be able to overcome my challenges. We should all only see brocha 

From my own experience I would say this: be as open as possible with your potential wife about this before the marriage. Make sure she really understands the situation and is on the same page. If so, she can be the help you need to accomplish what is admittedly super difficult. Without her help, it is not only ethically problematic, but practically impossible.

Hi. 

Do you have any Rabbeim/Therapists guiding you with this ?

I hear you my friend. Please speak to your Rabbeim/therapist before taking any steps.

Please do NOT speak to your potential wife about this before seeking advice from your Rabbeim/therapist.

Would you want him to keep it from his potential wife if she was your sister?

Trying99 wrote on 07 Jun 2023 01:53:

Obsoletely not! Would you want your sister to be standing under the chuppah when she knows that her chossen has interest in males?? and has had relations with them?

This is a very delicate situation and one should not take any action which was advised on an anonymous forum. Rather they should seek advice from Rabbeim/counselors, and it this case it seems like the threader has a very good relationship with Rabbeim/counselors  who know his story well and therefore he should rather confine in them and follow their guidance.

Heeling wrote on 07 Jun 2023 02:03:

Any Rav who tells you not to tell her is not worth yours or anyone's time. It is wrong and immoral. She has the right to know what she is getting into and you have a responsibility to tell her.