chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2024 00:54:

Powerfull point!.. as usual..

Thanks for your replies.

I agree that the whole GYE business was necessary for me and that I needed to discover what doesn't work for me before I can know what does, I also don't think that I made any mistake being on GYE, nor do I disparage this place. I don't know why you guys think I am, all I wrote was that 'this place is getting boring and unproductive for me', No, it wasn't always. But now since I've found the beginning of my path to recovery (here I was searching for my path, though in the beginning I thought it is my path) with real people (not just usernames and voices without faces) staying here is no-longer a part of my recovery.

I think it's also important for people to see that for some people (like me) GYE is a springboard to reach their recovery and not somewhere to remain stuck in. It's part of my journey.

I'm still very grateful for everyone that was here for me the past 10 month here.

I hope I was clear enough and didn't offend anyone, if I did, here's my sincere apologies.

Growing one step/day at a time...

striving to become my...
True_self

I am thinking the same thing. I am nowhere near ready to move away from GYE, but at some point in the future I assume that I will not need GYE anymore. This is an amazing vehicle to launch myself to my new life, but it is not my new life itself.

I would assume that is the approach of most people on here.  

Maybe I will step away at some point and realize that I need to remain here a little longer, all you have to do is log back in and all the resources are right back at your fingertips. 

true_self wrote on 30 Jan 2024 09:14:

Buddy, thanks for clarifying! 

Hope you wake up in the morning and praise the Almighty that He led you to the road of recovery...

Personally, I think there is a lot to be attributed to GYE.

A person cannot be stuck in their cocoon and be expected to become a social butterfly in a day. There's so much guilt, shame and sadness within us and we can't just let the dam break free by going public with our stories. There's a mehalech! Step by step...

First you get a username. Still not ready to share too much, just post on other's threads. Finally, you have the guts to open ur own thread and begin sharing some details abt urself etc. etc.... BH you made it to where you're holding, by letting go of the final mechitzos and showing up in person! Ashreicha! Yet, GYE was still part of the process to get you to that stage! 

Knock away!

Thanks for the clarification.

Just think it’s worthwhile clarifying the following:

These days, many folks on GYE have taken the step from being merely an anonymous user name to making a call. Most guys use real first names and real numbers eventually. Then many have “graduated” to meeting others and creating genuine relationships, with first and last names known.

Dov’s important distinction between secrecy and anonymity is true. Meeting people in real life is an incredibly powerful step in recovery. And secrecy is toxic.

However, forming genuine friendships and mentorship’s  that include real names, real mentors, and real life are even more real than SA meetings.

Not to say that this is for everyone, or that this aspect replaces other incredibly valuable aspects of being in the The Program, because it doesn’t. But today, many fellows on GYE are taking this powerful step , and therefore this critique does not apply to them.

yiftach wrote on 30 Jan 2024 10:56:

Absolutely! And yet sometimes we get stuck in a slightly broader cocoon (fake username...) and we need a push to get out of that too, If we wait until we feel that we have outgrown our cocoon, it might never come. In my case I got suffocated and suffered while still refusing to break out of my new addiction (GYE) and it was still not enough. I was told that I probably need SA, yet it was still not enough. I was told that I need to quit GYE because it holds me back from real recovery and it helped me to finally jump into an SA meeting yet it was still not enough to make me quit completely... as you see...

Every day you still se me posting means that I'm still not ready to give up my 'lust' for GYE.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't disregard the credit that my journey on GYE has in where I am today, I was not ready to show up to a meeting in-person before getting to post and talk on the phone and meeting you. But it's time for me to move on...

And dear Adam, I don't know you and the situation you're in, nor am I qualified to tell you what's good for you, but please consider the above. For me is was fear of going out there that fooled me that I really really still need GYE.

All the best! buddies.

chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2024 11:50:

Didn't chap this. The program is not only the meetings, It's getting a sponsor and working the steps (btw I doubt that the relationships made here include Steps 1, 4 and 5). Yes there are guys who mope around from one meeting to the next and the program doesn't work for them! The meeting is only step ZERO (as described in the white book).

If I misunderstood you then just leave my comments.

true_self wrote on 30 Jan 2024 12:12:

Yes, you did misunderstand my comment. 

I did not mean to state or imply that making friendships on GYE and having productive in-person meetings and mentorships is a way to join or fulfill the 12 Step Program. It is not. And it cannot substitute for The Program, for those that need it. 

But it is its own work. And it’s worked for a lot of people. It may be step Zero in The Program, but it’s a lot more than that for a lot of good guys. I’m not trying to be argumentative or get into a useless discussion. I respect the 12 Steps tremendously.

My point was merely to say that it’s not accurate to characterize GYE wholly as “hiding behind a secret username” because that’s not true for a lot of us. 

As Cordnoy pointed out in his first impactful post on my thread, and I’m eternally grateful for that post , secrecy isn’t honesty. But meeting real people is.  So I went and did it. And honestly facing your mistakes, with a real person who knows your name and a lot about you is far, far more than step zero. Even if he isn’t my sponsor, he still changed my life. At least that’s how it was for me. And that’s the only thing I actually definitely know- what’s working for me. 

I love you, True Self , and I wish you an ocean of Hazlacha and Bracha and blessing, whether or not you keep in touch. I hope you find what works for you, and a path to a glorious future full of brilliant todays. 

I hope you do stay in touch! 

מאן דבעי חיים

adam2014 wrote on 30 Jan 2024 10:29:

Hi Adam! I'm here for a little while, not terribly long. But I've been here almost every day, seen LOTS of posts, spoken to lots of people, most of them on the phone, and even have been fortunate to meet a few of the heroes that visit here. And all that has made me think a lot about the point you are making.
Many, probably most people, that come here, feel that they will fix their issue, and then they can go back to their 'regular' life, fully healed and recovered, and totally forget about GYE.

My view is that it's really not so simple. There are greater and more experienced than I, and I may be wrong, I'm just sharing my impressions.

Maybe for a lot of people it is true that after a little while they can just forget about this whole thing and move on. But I have seen so people who came, did great, moved on, and then came back with a bang.
So, my suggestion would be that even when a person feels that he's not gaining anything from this site, he should keep up with friends he made here, especially ones that he feels fill the mentor role for him. Check in from time to time. Call. Shmooze. Don't ever become complacent

chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2024 11:50:

I know you were not suggesting anything about True-self, Reb CO, I just want that to be clear to others
Just for the record: 
True-self has been open with others here, and had 'graduated' to using his real name etc. And all that we can offer here, as real as it can be, doesn't seem to be right for our dear friend. Some people need the 12 steps program.
Please, True-friend, keep trucking, break free, and don't forget to SMILE!
p.s. Don't visit too often

chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2024 14:04:

Dear Reb Chaim, It seems to me that the misunderstanding between us is only growing and deepening, so I think I'll drop it here. I don't think theres any point of argument between us anyways.

I love, respect and admire you and your opinion (I'm actually honest now!), please keep doing your gevaldige job here on GYE for the many that need it. Keep on prmoting opening up beyond the forums, I think it's important for guys to know that many proceed to phone calls, real first names and meeting in-person beyond this forum.

Here's a hug! 

True self.

I 1000% agree with you.. I personally went from lurking in the shadows just reading posts for a long time, to finally posting my story. I gave my real first name (or did I?? LOL) and have had one on one chats with some of you. I have not taken the next step to a real phone call or an actual meet-up. I hope to get to that point some day.

The toxic secrecy that you speak of is with my wife for me. Not having her in my corner for this battle is heartbreaking and I would love to have her support that she would undoubtedly give me.

chaimoigen wrote on 30 Jan 2024 11:50:

Quoting this post so it gets read again. Being on GYE, posting, chatting, PMs, are all nice steps. Breaking the secrecy is the game changer, and many, many wonderful people here have done so, to their eternal credit.

#KOMT!!!

Started working step one with my sponsor today. He's breliant! We read the doctor's opinion from the big book - It gives me an entirely different perspective and approach how to view my disease and the wrongs of my past. It's an allergy and I gotta take my meds, taking the meds are not easy but simple!

As time goes by I realize more and more how even subconsciously I manipulate my wife to get sex, saying white lies.... My sponsors advice was that for the foreseeable future I should stop initiating sex with my wife.

Hatzlacha to all!

Hatzlacha to you my dear friend! Your so courageous for taking these steps. May Hashem always be with you  and guide you in the right direction.