eerie wrote on 06 Dec 2023 19:06:

Only very close friends take the privilege to give their friends a kick in the pants, so I take this as a compliment.

As we spoke already I wont waste time on explaining myself. In short, I was referring to general shmiras einayim not P&M.

My post was quite random (timing) but it ended up to be a hashgacha pratis as it caused you to post and later call me a few times to make sure your kick was not on sensitive pants and it happened to be that something bad hit me just before you called and I needed help but didn't have the courage to reach out (need to continue working on this one). Once again I see how everything is orchestrated from above!

I can never stop thanking you!

Day 69 - Had strong urges yesterday and today, today I masturbated but stoped before ejeculation (I know it's far from ok), I'll be honest and admit that I'm slipping and fell with watching inappropriate stuff on my wife's phone (didn't happen in quite a while), I need to wake up before its over.

Hope to become interested in davening tomorrow, I hope my heart won't be shut by Hallel.

A freilichen un lechtingen chanukah all!

Im so sorry to hear. Honestly, I have a really hard time with davening and the longer it is the worse I feel.... I know I am supposed to and used to feel something but I dont:(

true_self wrote on 07 Dec 2023 22:24:

Reach out, my dear friend. You can! You are bigger and better!

You are a growing person. You have accomplished tremendously in the past few months. 

There is no inevitable fall waiting “to happen”. 
You do not have limits to how much you can accomplish. 
You have today. 
This Shabbos. 
Chanuka. 

It can be inspirational, full of light and warmth. 
Or it can be dry and cold, fulfilling the Mitzvos and Tefilla by rote, with stresses in the background. 

Regardless of how it turns out,  you have it in you to hang on and keep your focus on what your true heart really wants. For today, for starters.
There is no fall waiting to happen. 

There is YOU, continuing to happen.  

You’re a special guy, and you are greater than you know. 

Like the small jug of oil… that could not last for more than another night…. But then it could. 

Keep going on - YOU can! 

Here’s a hand, from across the globe. 
and a hug, 
LiChaim!

Delayed post from Friday, plus Shabbos-Sunday followup.

Okay, so this post was gonna go something like this. Day 70 - "לקץ שבעים נושעתי" blah blah blah........
But לעולם יהא אדם if I ever want to become a mentsh, I need to be מודה על האמת.... So I'll admit I fell! I know I can blame many external factors but it won’t get me anywhere, I was the only one that made the decision to masturbate.
I know I recently mentioned that the numbers don't really matter, however although I still believe so intellectually I don't feel so emotionally and therefore feel very down for losing my streak. However I can identify progress within this fall. In previous falls I'd chap arein so-to-speak for 24-48 hours as I had no streak to mess anyway, but now I don't feel like that BH.

Hashem, I'm desperate to feel close to you, to rekindle our relationship but I've sunken deep down, my heart became desensitized to immorality and I crave it! It gives me a certain chiyus that is too hard for me to let go of, please help me become sane.

My heart was a little open by hallel but it didn't happen the way I hoped it to.

Reflection of the week:
I knew that it was going to be a stressful week because my wife had an exam, she was very stressed and had no time for me (and I understood her). I was supposed to help out more but my stress pushed me in the opposite way to seek numbers, distractions…. One of them was the GYE website. I entered my own egoistic, selfish world where nobody else exists. Wednesday night it caused me to make a terrible mistake, butraying my wife being #1, she expressed her pain in a way that caused me to feel angry & upset at her, when that happens my mind runs to all women that I saw/see who never made me feel that way. The lust built up and became my minds dependant fuel, I couldn’t think anything straight, I was hunting for any outlet out there that was accessible to me,(including the incident with my wifes phone that I mentioned earlier) Thursday relationship got calmer, I wanted to have sex but felt that it would not be right for me to initiate right after what happened and that I was aroused from outside of the relationship (my wife later told me that she also wanted….. Shame…. We live and learn), but the lust was still building up, I felt that the only way I could get my mind straight would be if I act out (which I know from experience that it's not true but in the heat of the moment everything flies out da window). Friday morning I acted out, I was mechazek myself pretty well but was still a little down, Friday night I was exhausted (baby kept me up thursday night) and wanted to have a little schmooze and fall asleep, I told my wife about my fall and that it’s ok and life continues, she felt guilty and I tried reassuring her that it’s my fault only. Then she shared how her week was, which resulted in saying, I feel you don’t love or care about me, I feel taken advantage of, etc. . I was it a sensitive moment after sharing my fall and after the whole day, the last thing I needed to hear was that I’m doing a bad job, it caused me to enter defensive mode and I ended up speaking a little harsh, After some time and some tears we kinda made up and went to sleep in a very late hour. In the morning I had little interest in getting up, so I ended up arriving at shul by birkas hachodesh…. On Motzei shabbos we went out and discussed shabbat… She explained that she was trying to connect and probably used the wrong terminology to express herself, I apologized and so did she…. Happy ever after (for now).

Today I visited my therapist again and discussed the week…. I need to find healthy outlets and always communicate (the right way).

What a ride!

On to day 1

Dear true self, 

I am always trying to learn something from everyone here, all the great and holy warriors of GYE. 

Your post teaches us how it’s possible to be a beacon of so much light, life, positivity and general upwardness…after what must be a very painful situation, your emotions and conflicting feelings are so real!

I can only say, whether you’re up or (perceived) down, you continue powering the generators of koach we all need in this struggle. 

Keep shining, true self, like the brightest, twinkly star on a dark, cold and rainy night…

Ouch...I'm sorry about your fall. The last four words in your post show who you are and what you are aiming for. Superb! Starting a new count right after a fall, shows strength and determination.

We are human and it's okay to make mistakes, as long as we learn from and grow stronger.

I saw on a different thread that you were asked what you're doing for the war - well, i don't think we have to look too far, anyone who wants to see what you are doing to help Am Yisrael should just read through your thread.

You're a tremendous fighter who has eliminated battalions of Tumah around you! You don't give up no matter the resistance the enemy is showing.

Keep on fighting! Keep on being a great husband!

Wishing you the best in your new battle against the YH - you are definitely coming in stronger then last time.

Thanks bright, eerie, Chaimoigen, youknowwho and Heeling for your kind replies, they give me alot of strength to continue. Reb Chaim, it's a shame I didn't see your post earlier, it was exactly what I needed back then, but I guess it was not bashert.
@youknowwho and Heeling, I really appreciate your overkind words but it might be harmful, if I get such compliments after falling I might wanna fall again  .

The lust rollercoaster keeps Rolling despite the fall and despite the relationship getting back-on-track. I'm slipping..... , yesterday I surfed inappropriate websites, not pornographic but bad enough to feed my lust monster (shopping, Wikipedia....). I have intense urges to watch porn (again), I really miss it  .  I fantasize about my memories, they consume my entire brain. My  brain is desperate for a large dose of dopamine. I lust after women on the street (even a male that l mistake as a female from afar or at night can arouse me). Although it's now clear to me that I don't need to fall in order to liberate my brain from its lust, plus I see that Fridays fall didn't help, there's still a thought creeping in telling me that a larger fall will help me, it might be true but it's not a must. I know that these urges and desires won't last forever. I know that it's a matter of a couple days until it's gonna subside, but not as long as I continue feeding them through gazing at women on the street or online and fantasizing about erotica of any kind, but it feels impossible to stop! I try thinking about everything I read, the mistakes I made etcetera, but in the heat of the moment it all seems to disappear and I surrender to my desire. How do I stop??? (Perhaps only Hashem can help me).

Let's continue living and riding with the rollercoaster one day at a time!

A lechtingen chanukah all!

Hey!

Glad you took it as a compliment. But I didn't have that in mind....

You see, often after a fall we tell ourselves that we will never win, we tell ourselves that we are such failures and so on.

So, I was just simply telling you not to feel like that and to focus on your true self.

It is extremely important though to remember all the feelings/emotions that come from/after/during a fall. The negative is there to keep you in check and the positive is also to keep you in check as well. Both of them pushing from one side which will IYH allow you to walk in a straight line.

Keep on trucking as R Eerie says,

My dear heilige Friend, der Emese Yid, I'm so sorry for the hard days. Please look back in your thread. Remember that you have felt like this in the past. And BH you have done AMAZING since! You have already seen the fog lift! You have learned what you are supposed to do, you are seeing a professional, you are working hard. My friend, believe in yourself! You are getting there. Hold on tight. The YH makes us think that there is a point that if we reach there we'll stop, because what normal, ehrilcihe Yid does worse than A B and C. My friend, the whole thing is a bluff. He wants you to think, and most of us would also love to think, that there lines we will never cross. Thinking this way makes us lower our guard and believe that we are not SO terrible, so we rationalize with ourselves about the things we've already done. 
What we have to keep reminding ourselves is that this thought that we will "for sure" stop somewhere is absolute baloney. When we reach what we think right now is rock bottom, we suddenly see that it was not a lasting pleasure, not as great as we thought it would be, and we slowly beging considering the next step, while promising ourselves that we will NEVER take the step after that. And the cycle goes on and on. I think almost everybody here can say that his story looked that way. 
So, my friend, keep doing  what you are doing. Keep up with the therapist. And express to him all your worries and doubts. See what he says. Keep in touch here as well. We are continuously inspired by you! You can and will persevere! Hold on, a little bit longer....and keep smiling!

Thanks, you guys are the best!
Eerie, what should I say.... you are right. Will keep on doing what I'm doing.... Take a scroll back in time on this thread... Therapist, friends, posting....

My therapist gave me homework for this week, I need to think about alternative healthy outlets for when I'm bored, stressed or lonely. Any ideas anyone?

Day 3 - bH thing are settling down - Need to hold up my guard though.

chaimoigen wrote on 02 Jun 2023 03:07:

I scrolled back in this thread and found a GEM just in time of need. Thanks again Reb Chaim.

Challenging days ahead! Wife will be traveling, I'll stay behind with my lovely baby for 3 days. Probably won't have access to GYE or any internet. I need to make a schedule and must stay in touch with my GYE friends on the phone and with my friends in real life. Should also check-in with my therapist. Meanwhile there was alot going on in the past 2 weeks and I'm writing a post about it, I hope to post it when it will be finished and will have access.

Will miss you all!

True self.

Hi everyone, I’m back after a few crazy days, I got sick a day after my wife left and I was left taking care of myself and my baby mostly alone, I couldn’t sleep at night (still can’t). BH my wife is back and things are getting better (though it looks like my baby caught it from me), I felt very lonely without my wife and without GYE.

I wrote this post before and throughout the past few days but didn’t have access to post it.

I've been through alot in the past 2 weeks, BH got back on track Sunday (last week). There's alot to discover and to work on and it's kind of confusing and overwhelming. I hope that with writing things down on paper (screen) things will be clarified, so here goes...

Okay... so Chanukah was very isolating. Partying with people that I feel they live in a complete different world of mine (better said, I live in a different world of theirs) made me feel very lonely and disconnected causing me to turn to my favourite comforting tool named 'lust', that making me feel even more isolated.... and so, the vicious cycle increased it’s speed and intensity. Still not sure what's first, chicken or egg.... I reached out to fellow gye'yers and it helped me connect, but  only to my secret world/life, so it took me even further away from reality (my fault). I learnt that, sometimes it's time to forget about my struggle/recovery and just be present. Perhaps it's upon the most important parts of recovery from lust which thrives from living in secrecy.

I also rediscovered that there's a void I'm trying to fill with lust. The void is fed from not living up to the צלם אלוקים part of me, and of course Chanukah (as well as RC, Shabbos, YT etc.) makes me feel the yearning of my צלם אלוקים starving to be filled and so the void deepens. The less I feed it the greater the void becomes and the stronger the urge to fill the beast inside of me becomes, to a point where it’s impossible for me to control it.
Anyway... previously when I didn't manage to unhook my mind from lust, a schmooze with a friend or two would do the job, this time however it didn't work. I spoke to a friend and he made me feel confident that I can be stronger than my desires, but the second I faced temptation it all flew outta window. This makes me believe that it's not the YH that's being me machshil,  it's that I became addicted to lust! My brain can not function without it, and when I reject it with force my brain gets mad so it doesn't last long. If I am to stay in this battle all I can expect is failure. My animalistic being is selfish and egoistic, it doesn’t care if my spirituality suffers in pain and guilt, nor if it causes my dearest wife who sacrifices her life for me to suffer in unimaginable pain, it is blinded to ‘lust’ and by that it sadly  functions.

I spoke to a friend that knows me very well and has guided me alot throughout this journey and he suggested that I join SA meetings. So I asked a friend that attended SA meetings about it and discussed it with my therapist. Will see where it gets.
Sunday, talking with my therapist he claimed that my motivation is low, I agreed and my post about hitting rock bottom indicated that, so he gave me some homework. I hope to post it soon when it’s done.

Resentment with the way my wife dresses hit me again very strongly, the way I need to deal with it is by giving up my control that I don't have anyway and to accept and respect her as a person. She's not my 'model' 'doll' etc., she's my wife! (With all that follows).
After schmoozing with BennyH I realized how the way my wife dresses expresses nothing personal that she feels towards me, rather reflecting and expressing her mood. This realization should help me not become so disappointed when she asks me what to wear and then rejects my suggestion.
The battle of yes/not looking at every (non)pretty  woman I pass is energy consuming, and nowadays energy is expensive. In the past I was introduced to the tool of accepting then exposing the desire/thought, it actually helped slightly but 90% of the time it didn't enter my mind. After a long assessment with my case manager, he made me aware how I might be the punching bag of my life, so he taught me how to become a listener instead. When I walk on the street and encounter a gorgeous woman  there's a compelling voice inside of me telling me 'oh wow! Look at her, you don't wanna miss out on this...' I can't silence the voice but I don't need to take it as an attack on me, I can simply listen to the debating thoughts taking place in my mind. I've just started implementing this method and so far it works quite well. The second I identify the voice and start listening to what it says the temptation kind of leaves me, and the most important, it doesn't suck out my energy. as long as it proves itself to work for me I'll keep holding onto it. will see if it will help when the next hurricane hits.

It's getting late and my wife needs me so I’ll leave the rest for another time.

Thanks eerie, heeling, bennyH, steveblum, chaimoigen, Yiftach and hechochme for giving me from your time, I can’t imagine myself doing this without all of you.

Gut voch!
All the best.
True self