You are amazing and inspiring! Looking forward to hearing more good news from you, great warrior!

Congrats on taking big steps to keep flying! Hatzlacha Sunday!!

true_self wrote on 08 Nov 2023 20:36:

I feel you man. I feel you so strong.
I've been on the whole emotional-rollercoaster of
- Trying-to-look-away from all other women - wife only
- Really needing my wife to be there for me because I have no other outlet
- Feeling down if I have a slip or two or three
- Jealous/upset about how my wife dresses - when she did or didn't put on a sheitel, why her clothing isn't this that or the other etc.
- But also really needing my wife even more
- Wife suffering from my negative vibes
- Wife not so available - she's in a bad mood... because of my negative/inattentive vibes
- So much harder to deal with everything and stay clean now that wife is in a bad mood - especially if it's because of me.
- Resentment building because staying clean is so hard - I can't handle if she's upset at me when I'm working so hard for us! The feeling of "I can never being good enough" stings like salt on a wound.
- And then to top it all off - Rejection in the bedroom.

I have no words to describe the confusion, the hurt and the frustration that ensues.

I hope not all of the above is me just projecting my own experiences - if you relate to any of it - I feel you bro.
Therapy helped me a lot with the above feelings.
It was slow and it wasn't easy -
but it really helped me gain a higher level of peace with this.
Hatzlacha today - iyh the therapist should be a good match for you and you should have incredible success!!! Keep us posted - we're rooting for you!

HeChochma wrote on 12 Nov 2023 19:47:

Thank you so much for taking your time on describing almost everything I feel so clearly and briefly.

Would you like to share more about how you reached a higher level of peace?

Thanks again dear!

Day 44 - Getting back to myself after a hard week, Shabbos is the greatest gift, it gives us time to rejuvenate and forget from all our worries, and also a wonderful time to rekindle the love! ולנוח בחבת.

Today I had my first session with my therapist, bH he seems to be a wonderful guy. We discussed the 3 types of motivation, Prosecution, Reward and Intrinsic, I need to ask myself WHY I want to change my behavior.
He also taught me how to accept my uncomfortable thoughts and how to share them with my wife without hurting her.
Have some homework until next week and looking forward to the next session beH.

Will keep you updated beH.
All the best!

My dear friend, if only I had the words to tell you how much you inspire me! You fight back, you are amazing! Keep up the gevaldig work!

You are a special, growing person.
Your relentless drive to keep growing and going on, to be open to personal change and growth and climbing higher in Avodas Hashem and Shalom Byis and internal wholeness is an inspiration! 

With admiration, warmth, and friendship,

Chaim

Thanks eerie and Chaim for your kind words, you are both truly amazing friends!

@Chaimoigen, I long to hear your warm voice again, Is there not reception out there at sea?

Day 45 - Halfway to 90! -  There were some waves throughout the day.

I tried to welcome my unwanted thoughts instead of suppressing them, it worked quite well but I still need to train more on the task. Having suppressed them for so many years it became an automatic response of my brain that I don't even notice happening, work and practice is needed to identify them and welcome them.

With the help of the one above I will succeed in achieving inner peace.

All the best!

Day 47 - Pretty calm day after crazy turbulence yesterday - yesterday I was at the brink of falling, started masturbating but stopped shortly after, what kept me from falling at the last second was the thought that I will be very disappointed if I lose my 45 days streak (not the most ideal, but any tool that keeps from falling is good at time of emergency).

I learn more how to be aware what happens in my mind and what causes me to feel resentful, yesterday it was that I had expected certain things from my wife (things that I dream of a lot) and ended up being disappointed and resentful, afterward I saw many women on the street that did meet my expectations so It made me feel even more resentful.

With the help of a friend I learn more what it means to accept myself with my thoughts and desires, Respect my wife as a human being with feeling, emotions and thing she likes & dislikes and things that she doesn't feel comfortable with, And to make a funeral ceremony and mourning over my dreams, desires and expectations. Before going to sleep I informed my wife about the mourning that is taking place in my mind, She appreciated it and said that some things might still have a heartbeat (when some circumstance's change), but I refused and said that right now everything is dead and if their will be תחיית המתים it will be a big surprise (I'm also mourning on the תחיית המתים so I don't expected to happen).

Interestingly today afternoon when I walked in the door and was greeted by my wife I right away notices that she has done her make up, I complimented, thanked and was once again reminded that I have a special wife that is doing everything to make her husband happy. It is no wonder that something I once didn't notice because I took it for granted and thought that I'm entitled to and therefore didn't appreciate it as much became more meaningful once I recognized that its all bonesess.

Real change is indeed happening within.

Will never give up!
True self

true_self wrote on 15 Nov 2023 21:25:

What an incredible legend trucker you are True Self!!!
Thanks for sharing your incredible commitment, depth and honesty!

There's a lot here but I just wanted to say a few things that
- It takes a lot of work to change deep things like becoming aware of resentments building. But it looks like you are getting the hang of it and grappling with it nobly. It will get easier.
- That aveilus. What an aveilus. It's really painful to let all that go. It's also hard not to look over your shoulder to see whether when you mourn there will be techiyas hameisim.  It is heroic of you to do this, really, really big of you.
- But more importantly, iyh, it will lead you to a place of internal peace. A place where you can be at peace with your own feelings, comfortable with your desires, expectations and frustrations, as well. It's quite a journey but the destination is better than the Bahamas.
- Lastly, on the compliments - spot on - just like you said - it's fascinating to see how we can really take pleasure and enjoy things that we have when we stop taking them for granted.
A whole lot easier said than done though, so KUDOS to you!!!

Day 48 - I feel much more peaceful within but know that there is still a lot a smart work ahead - Was also easier to look away on the street, and when I did look I managed to neutralize the resentment before it hit me.
Shabbos I will be celebrating ''50'' pure and holy days beH

MAZEL TOV!!!
L'chaim tovim u'lshalom - cheers to a life of goodness and peace!!!

WOW!!!! You are a hero! This wasn't stam a 50 days. It was 50 days of sweat, of fighting each and every inch, of ups and downs, of nearly letting the YH in, and after it all YOU ARE HERE!!!!! My dear friend, keep it up, you will beH be telling us about the 500 days soon:)

Day 52 - Continuing to work smartly through all obstacles, with the right tools its much easier to ride over the bumps before they become mountains.

All the best!