Day 32 - Proud to be clean for 32 days, now finishing day 33, my longest streak ever was 33 hopefully I'll be breaking my record tomorrow.

Did a great job on supporting my wife when she needed me, I'm very proud of myself as this is something I'm working on for a while, it used to be very hard for me to be there with my wife when she feels down because of things I did in the past on present, my heart used to get locked not being able to handle the guilt, but beH I'm learning to deal with it in the right way.

​Thanks friends for your encouragement, in your merit i've managed to bring my relationship with my wife and Hashem to a completely different level! more, honesty, clarity and passion!

My wife is also very proud with me and it adds a lot of fuel to continue, she bH notices the small differences my effort makes as well.

7 month into my journey on GYE I did not imagine that it will be so tough with so many falls, but now I feel that I'm getting places and I realize that things don't change overnight even if you sob throughout the night, and things don't change simply through discovering tools, techniques or perspective, but through rewiring our brains, practicing and absorbing.

"i have nothing to offer but blood toil tears and sweat" - Winston Churchill
Hashem offers the sechar...

Well said!

true_self wrote on 01 Nov 2023 22:32:

By sticking to the plan you so beautifully made. Showing strength and consistency and above all determination to overcome our challenges is the best way we can undo our wrongdoings.

Woman/wives feel when we fail and they feel when we succeed.

true_self wrote on 01 Nov 2023 22:32:

Line 1 - The answer to line 2 should cover line 1
Line 2 - Black

My dear Real Friend, beautiful work! Keep it up! You will reap the rewards in this lifetime!

Day 34 - Broke my record!!! 

I don't have much time right now so I just wanted to let everyone know that bH everything went perfect and beyond any expectations, The greatest pleasure was to see my wifes eyes light up from all my effort I have done to take care of every single detail, and of course there was a huge lechaim for reaching 34 days clean.

Gut shabbos!

Awesome! I'm many times scared to put in the effort or ask for things, for fear of rejection. 

Btw maybe acts of service is a strong love language for her, even during mutar times...

Day 36 - Looking forward reaching 40 days before my birthday beH - Every year on my birthday I used to think about what's going to be with my future and when will I finally get rid of this disgusting struggle, but a year later I felt meyuyesh that I didn't manage to break free. However this year will be entirely different, I grew tons this year, I'm not alone anymore, I have my wife and friends with whom I can speak out my heart to, I managed to reach 36 days clean, I have a better understanding about this struggle, I have the strength to face it and not escape it, I acknowledge that I might struggle forever but that doesn't contradict my ability to break free and reach true freedom, and in fact it is a big part (if not everything) of my personal growth. Thank you GYE, Thank you my dear wife, Thank you all my wonderful friends who are always here for me, and Thank you Hashem for not giving up on me and showing me your love.

This morning on the way to shachris there was a few crazy tempting sights in front of me, I looked once and even twice but not a third time and that's my victory!

All the best.

Dat 39 - Can't stop thanking Hashem that my wife finally got a job after looking for one or over 3 month, I take it as a hug from hashem as tomorrow (when she will start working) I will reach 40 days clean!!!

Had a bit of resentment yesterday afternoon and today morning from seeing so many beautiful women on the street, but bH I'm getting past it.

Going strong towards day 40!

Thank you hashem for the good news.

Day 40!   – Reflection on the past few days. I had a lot of resentment about how my wife dresses after being nichshal many times with gazing a (some of them beautiful) women on the street and unfortunately also online. I tried not to let it pull me down into a bad mood but Monday evening the pressure was already too much and the dam started to collapse, of course my wife felt it and was very quickly also effected by the flood, I didn’t want to discuss details of how I feel with her because I’ve learnt from mistakes I’ve done in the past that It’s not the right time to discuss it, so we went to sleep after little conversation hoping that I will get over it after sleeping.

Tuesday morning, I was still a bit hooked up in that mood but got over it until afternoon. Later when I came home in the evening my wife hinted that she would like to be together at night, I was looking forward as it has been some time since the last time we were together, However a little before going to sleep I noticed that my wife is not in a very good mood and is not anymore interested in being together, I got into bed and tried helping her but she wasn’t cooperating much, so pulled me back into a bad mood especially that I wasn’t yet completely dry from the flood a day before. It didn’t take long until I was flooded again with horrible thoughts and emotions much worse than a day before, they are just too painful and shameful to describe. Then my wife felt guilty that she caused me to feel like that, I told her that It’s not about her rather something I need to work on myself to change, talking to my conscious simultaneously trying to convince my mindset then that it’s not her. After saying too much rubbish I realized that it was not the right time for me to talk so I kept my moth shut until I fell asleep feeling horrible with myself.

Today in the morning I woke up feeling somewhat better and seeing my wife trying to create positive vibes helped me to get partly unhooked from my thoughts. However, in the afternoon I had a crazy strong urge to masturbate, I started to but thankfully managed to gather the strength to stop even before reaching close to the no return point. Congratulations! 

Following are some of the thoughts that entered my mind that helped me overcome my urge:

-        It’s day 40 and it will be a huge disappointment for myself and my wife if I fail.

-        My wife will probably want to be together tonight and if I give in now, I will ruin it for myself even if we will still be together, I won’t enjoy it because I will feel guilty.

-        Why take it b’issur if I can enjoy it 10X more b’heter? It’s just not a fair trade.

-        It might fulfil a void for the moment, but I remember how it feels a second afterwards when the void gets even wider and I long desperately for more and just can’t get enough.

-        I can’t be such a כפוי טובה to Hashem after he finally gave my wife a job (I’m also afraid of the punishment I might get (יראת העונש)).

I hope to do even better next time beH.

Thanks for listening and letting me unload.

And now something on reaching this milestone of 40 days, I cannot stop thanking Hashem, my wife, my friends and myself for helping me reach this milestone, I couldn’t have done it without you, and it still feels like a dream, When I first joined the GYE community over a half-a-year ago I thought that it will finally be an easy fix and I wont fall again ever, However after 2-3 weeks reaching the pink cloud (hope I remember that well) I fell again, at first I was extremely disappointed but still didn’t get the massage that it takes tons of input and there is no quick fixes for what we ruined for a few years and nothing happens overnight. After falling again and again after roughly 18-21 days and after getting more information about my challenge both from GYE and friends, I realized that I still had a lot to work on myself until I reach 90 days, throughout my journey I felt completely in despair at times and 40 days became a dream for me, however today I’m celebrating a dream come true! L’chaim!!! 

Looking forward to celebrating 50,90,365 days beH, but for now I’m taking it one day at a time.

Tomorrow will be day 41 beH.

All the best.

Love. Every. Single. Word!!! 

Congratulations on your success and thanks for sharing such valuable insights!!!

Its only the beginning…

How about "Hashem will be so proud of me if I succeed" Or, "I am doing such amazing work and fulfilling my tafkid, lets keep it up". Positivity is the best and maybe only true motivation! Keep up the great work and Keep bringing light to the world!

Day 41 - Had a awful day don't have time to elaborate right now. - Had a insanely powerful urge but had the courage to say no bH - Thanks to a friend I got in touch with a therapist and booked for sunday beH, A little nervous about it and don't know what to expect but I'm definitely looking forward to it and hope it will help me create changes within myself.

true_self wrote on 09 Nov 2023 19:43:

I'm truly sorry to hear about your Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
Sending you the warmest Hug I can muster up.
Good job on saying no!