Sorry to get off the track of the Vayimaen issue - not sure I have what to say about that one - But this is my first time reading this thread and I just wanted to share with you True_Self that reading your plan I am inspired by your incredible, persistent and ruthless pursuit of connection in the face of the struggle of addiction.
Informing two friends of tough times, another one for daily check in, a third random friend to chat and then finally your wife - what a lineup!!!
Not only that - I'm blown away that you held on to that even when you weren't getting through. For me, when I can't get through it's right off the cliff.
Just pretty amazing stuff! And you've come back from the brink quite a few times too - I'm tempted to  pick up the phone and break my fear of reaching out because of you.
Chazak V'ematz and thank you m'umka d'liba

true_self wrote on 26 Oct 2023 10:25:

Most people are not on that madreiga. There is an entire sefer called sefer hachinuch on taamei hamitzvos:) Additionally there is nothing wrong with adding extra reasons, see r moshe on when yaakov told his wives they must leave lavan.

bright wrote on 26 Oct 2023 19:44:

Thanks for pointing this out.
I was just stating the bare fact.
But the right approached for us ordinary people is to find something that interest us in order to be encouraged.

Day 29 - Almost a whole month! - Feels like a dream coming true!

Shabbos afternoon while resting I had a crazy strong urge to masturbate, I managed to withstand the urges through thinking to myself that it's not worth to give up on the pleasure I will have if I arrive to mikvah night with a long streak still being clean. The YH is creative and has many ways to fool us into his net so we need to be creative as well to find anything possible to keep us from being fooled.

I also got a message from Hashem that he appreciates my effort. I got out of bed at 4:15 because I knew that mincha is 10 minutes after the zman, only when I arrived to shul and was surprised to see the kol torah did I realize that I came an hour earlier, the zman was actually 5:18 and not 4:18 as I thought (this never happened to me before), If I would stay another hour I bed the urges would probably increase and intensify and I might not have withstand them, I was zoche to learn an extra hour instead of needing to fight urges and maybe even fall badly c"v. THY!!!

Wow! amazing!

Keep it up my friend.

true_self wrote on 28 Oct 2023 21:41:

Now thats siyatta dishmaya! Hashem is showing you how much he is helping you! Wow!

Day 30 - One month!!! WOW! I have what to be proud of!

When you can't figure out what went wrong and what to do get out of the mud, When confusion takes over your brain and there seems to be no way to reach clarity, It's the time to pick up a phone to a friend.
The line of heeling's signature that expresses my day best: "Not Always can I understand others, but I can always respect their wishes." Not always can I understand myself, but I can always accept that It's ok.

Continuing the battle, no ceasefire!!

HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 18:21:

Thanks, my pleasure. I appreciate you kind words, posts like these help me shed a positive light on myself and realize how truly amazing I am. (Something needed in order to continue my battle against my YH).

Day 31 - Continuing to work on myself - A bit stressed about mikvah night.

what are you stressed about

Day 32 - All into the preparations - Positive energies in the air bH - Quite difficult with gazing at women on the street... Waiting for the clicker to arrive maybe it will change the cause.

Also working on rewiring my brain for all the inappropriate things I saw in the past decade which desensitized me to tznius, I need to appreciate my wifes values and standards and make them my own values and standards too. Does anyone relate to this?

Yes, I can relate to that very much. It has caused me a lot of pain and a big cause of my struggle, but as days passed by [even before I started 'guiding my eyes'] I realized that I have something special.

I started to understand why my wife dresses the way she does and slowly started appreciating it. 

Why do we dislike the way our wives dress? Because we want her to look like the image we have in our mind.

Why do we want our wives to dress like the woman we saw? because that woman looked attractive.

That is exactly why our wives don't dress that way and that is so special of them. Our wives are pure and holy Bas Yisroel's. All they want is to be there for their husband and their husband to be there for them. They don't want others to look at them.

Our wives have that true beauty! And BTW the more I guide my eyes, the more I see the true beauty in my wife.

I feel like there is a way to look attractive to me without looking attractive to the man on the street.
I'm still a while away from appreciating my wifes style of dress- even though I do understand it.
Very much.

true_self wrote on 31 Oct 2023 21:00:

Just a thought to share regarding your concerns regarding upcoming Mikva Night.

Perhaps it could help to move the focus away from what you’re NOT looking at. And Not to focus on errors of the past. 
Rather- 
LOOK at your wife. Feel her Chein. Your relationship. What you SHARE, the connection you have. Absorb the attitude. When you’re in that place, feeling anticipation and connection, you’ll be where you need to be for the connection you seek. 

Yes there’s a lot of work to be done to stay clean and guard one’s eyes. But I feel that preparation for what you’re looking forward to should not be about your past regrets….

Youre a good man. 

@Heeling, I Saved that one. Thanks.

@Redfaced, First line - please explain how exactly? 2nd line - Tznius style or stam?

@Chaimoigen, True, I do try my best to only look forward to the future, The struggle is more the day to day distractions on the street, and also a negative association with mikvah night since the last 3 out of 5 were awful one more then the other, and this time there's the pressure to make sure that it doesn't go wrong.
P.S. Spoke to HHM today and he gave me some really tough homework to do and perspective.

How do I calm my wife about her inner concerns of the previous experiences and the negative association and maybe even trauma it gave her?