Amazing let us know what it is so we can learn from you! Keep on inspiring!

Day 19 - Going strong.

My plan:
1) Inform 2 friends that I'm going through a sensitive time and I might need them.
2) Call them in time of need (i.e. when a strong urge occurs).
3) I'll call one friend everyday to check in, he will also check in sometimes.
4) If exposed to a loophole i'll inform my wife right away.
5) Chat with 1 random friend everyday.
6) Filling in a chart (that my wife can see) every night, If i followed my plan and if I was victorious.

P.S. Sharing with one's wife is not generally a good idea but for me personally this is the best way to do it. It's the first time I'm making this exact plan, I hope to update if it worked out well.

All the best!

Day 21 - Friday was good because it was busy - Shabbos was good because it was relaxing - Following the plan.

Day 22 - Urges peak! A sudden wave of a lot of stress - Trying to stay focused and not lose grip - Sadly I was nichshal with taking a second look to many times, they awoke the feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction and a bit of resentment I've described in the past.

A part of me is craving immensely for anything that can fill its lust desires or be an outlet. Thank god I now have no way to access porn etc. as I recently as I recently got rid of a device.

I'm trapped between the feeling of wanting to stay clean as I vividly remember the consequences I suffered from in the previous times that I gave in, I don't want it to be replayed again and just cant afford it. but on the other hand I feel a strong desire in all parts of my body to act out but I simply dont have how to.

Positive development: Although these urges seem to seem to create a never ending rhythm I do notice some changes that indicates that i'm stronger each time i face them again, This time I had the courage to trying to reach out to a friend when the first alarms started to ring (eventually I managed to get through), while in previous situations I only reached out after I fell, I credit this success to the preparation's my wife encouraged me to take having foreseen upcoming challenging days, Plus having realized how much this courageous yet simple act could have prevented my falls and spare all that pain and damage they caused. Bravo!

Some progress: Today I finally made a delayed phone call that hopefully took me a step closer to getting professional support.

Continuing to pray to Hashem that he should give me the strength to withstand and to continue to grow in all areas, and to ease the financial burden.

Feedback is welcome.

Amazing progress and awareness. 

Try doing exercise?

Gevaldig! Keep on climbing as the urges peak, it will make you smarter and happier. Once you hit the peak you’ll look down and laugh at what you just overcame.

Keeping those feelings in front of your mind is great. Remember those strong desires from last time? Which you gave into….the pleasure lasted for a minutes or two, if your lucky it lasted to five minutes. But then those consequences hit you in the head and boy did that hurt, and lets not talk about how long that lasted…if your lucky it ONLY lasted for five minutes.

Its pleasure for one minute vs consequence of many hours or days (or weeks and months).

Happy to hear about the positive developments and progress. Don’t think to much of how many times you did look twice or didn’t. just continue doing your thing.

Day 23 - Waves are settling and I didn't lose the grip bH

Yesterday when I came home my mind was not present because of everything I saw (as explained in yesterday's post), My wife did a full face makeup (for me) and I only noticed it after a while and when I commented my wife told me "so now you realize that you were not present" Only then did I realize that I was really on a different planet, my wife wanted to talk with me when I came home but because she saw that there was no one to talk to she went to sleep, I feel her pain of not having a husband to talk to but its hard for me to face it because its literally like stabbing myself as I'm the one guilty for causing her this pain.

Flashbacks of what I see during to day keep on coming back all the time and evokes unwanted thoughts again and again, My wife asked me why I think about all these things that make me unhappy, I replayed "I don't choose to engage in these thoughts but that just keep on hitting again and again and I'm helpless against them, all I can do is try to engage in different thoughts until the next one hits" Did I answer correctly or should I've said something else?

Thanks Eerie and bennyH for giving me of your precious time and helping me stay on track.

Day 24 - Still clean, wow!

Today I had a crazy strong urge and almost fell but miraculously I managed to say no before it was too late. During the entire day I was feeling very sexually charged, (if my wife would be clean I would be calmed down be knowing that I can possibly have sex at night) It wasn't just waves of urges, but all the time, I had strong urges to fantasize inappropriate things I managed to disengage many times but at some point in the afternoon I couldn't hold back and gave in, I ended up going too close to the cliffend/no return zone which is not ok, but thank god I'm still clean but still super charged.

Day 25 - BH thing are developing well - Trying to focus only on the positive and of all times I did look away even if it was after 3 times yes looking.

I'm confident that I can do this, But still need to be on alert and not let my guard down.

​I see the tremendous impact that is has on my wife/relationship, my wife is much more open to share what she feels and her love and so am I, It's worth every Vayimean!

true_self wrote on 25 Oct 2023 17:44:

True - Yet thats still not the reason for the Vayimaen

Why not?

Just to clarify some things, vayimaen could refer to 1 the act of fighting back the yetzer hara or 2 the daily whatsapp video to boost shmiras einayim. I believe true_self was referring to 1 and redfaced understood it as 2

bright wrote on 25 Oct 2023 23:41:

The reason for Vayimean is because it says in the torah ולא תתורו... All the rest are extra benefits one can gain from following the torah guidelines. And some might explain why the torah said ולא תתורו.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 25 Oct 2023 23:49:

I don't know why you understood that.
I referred to 1 but was inspired to use the word Vayimean from the videos.

I see them as being one and the same. 
My point was that although the Vayimaen (videos & attitude) may sometimes have spillover relationship benefits, that in itself isn't the reason for the Vayimaen. The main purpose (at least the way I see it ) in the Vayimaen is to improve ones relationship with Hashem & oneself.
Its working on yourself not working on your marriage.
The proof is that most people here would want to continue with the Vayimaen even if it didn't help with their marriage.