Deep understanding takes time.
Tonight is Day 40, through Hashem's rachamim.
I'm thinking tonight about the second and third periods of 40 days and nights, when Moshe Rabbeinu ascended the Har to ask forgiveness, and to receive the Torah a second time. It took another 40 Days to learn the Torah, though he had already learned it before, because it had to be retaught, relearned for Yiddin in the aftermath of Cheit . The Torah was given again, in different form for Baalei Teshuva.... 

A few weeks ago I was writing about regret. Vehkam (who is a great source of inspiration for me) wrote the following:

This made a tremendous Roshem on me, but I needed to fully digest. Tonight I an beginning to understand that there are new doors open to me. I am feeling that the Torah given on Yom Kippur may have elements and beauty that the Torah given on Shavuos did not have, (although much was lost in the Shviras Haluchos that can never be regained).
I too, am deeper, more sensitive, and have greater appreciation, I think, for much of the fresh beauty I see with clear, unsullied Oigen, BH, BH.

If Hashem continues to Bentch me with His Chessed, my 90 Days will come out not long before Yom Kippur.
I hope that not only for the Klal, but for me, and many of my friends here too, it shall be בבחינת לא היו ימים טובים בישראל........

chaimoigen wrote on 26 Jun 2023 03:36:

מי שטרח בע"ש יאכל בשבת!!!

With completely undeserved help from Hash-m, it's now 49 Days of Tahara for me.
Things are different. During this time, I have also been working on being careful in all areas of Shemiras HaEnayim and in thought and feeling, too, on a completely different level than I ever did before. Things are different in my interior world.
Things are so much sweeter in my marriage, too, Boruch Hashem. Unexpected, special benefit. [In my mind, I call it the "Grant Principle"- thanks Grant.]

But I have been disgruntled and a bit grumpy. Feeling a bit dried-out and restless. Not exhilarated as I would have thought I would be. Feeling like I don't want to have to deal with this constant vigilance and awareness all the time. 
Walking the streets, dealing with the frustrations of avoiding innaproperiate sights I have felt the pull to "just let it go". BH I have not. Won't.

I think I have a spark of Asafsuf lurking within, grumbling with the dissatisaction of "Nafsheinu Yiveisha, Ein Kol....". He's itching to experience the thrill of wantonness, as opposed to sweetness. Well, I will not listen to him, at least not today. Not today. BH, BH.
Don't know what I expected, that the Yetzer will abandon me? I'm not dead yet, BH. Got a ways to go. But I think I have to grow into this more. become what I am doing.
I believe I can and will. Disgruntled or not. I want to see how I feel, full of Tahara, next week....

Please Hashem - help me hold on to this Razton, to this special chance you have given me. משכיני. Help me to grow more fully into who I am becoming, into who You put me here to be. Please, Tatteh after all these years, let it be...

chaimoigen wrote on 04 Jul 2023 23:17:

What a way with words you have, chaim... About a month in, I was feeling light, happy, satisfied, less numb, and then more recently I have been feeling, as you say, disgruntled. Not sure what it's about- perhaps forgetting the motivation to start in the first place, perhaps the classic "what the heck" phase, or as you carefully put it, wantonness. Anyway, while this is still here, I have been able to appreciate that the sound of reason in my head has grown clearer and louder, while the other voice has grown older and grayer, and is more susceptible to argument. I hope it is the same for you. I wish for your sense of purpose, though.

Was feeling a bit uncomfortable with what I wrote yesterday, was not entirely clear with what I am feeling.
This morning I have a deeper understanding, and want to write it here, mostly to concretize it for myself. 
I realize that I have been feeling uncomfortable and disgruntled with the idea of having to live being constantly vigilant and maintaining awareness at all times. Of living with the feeling that "I have a problem" and that I need to check in each day, celebrate victories, and be on guard always against challenges and the potential of failing. I would so much rather view myself in the context of my accompliments, the Torah I am learning and teaching, and the people I am Zocheh to help. Feeling that it's shameful and weak to be looking forward to hopefully celebrate the terrific accomplishment of 60, 90, 100 days free of negative behavior together with my newfound friends on an annoymous forum for people with shameful issues. Terrific goalpost and Sheiyfah for life. Sorry folks, I realize that didn't sound nice at all. 

But with understanding comes clarity. Firstly, and obviously, to nod understandingly at the Yetzer, who never fails to come up with another, creative one. Good try. {He winks back, a lascivious smile playing around his lips, a shrewd and playful sharpness in his keen blue eyes, as he tips his homburg at me. He'll have a new one tomorrow, I know.}  

But more deeply, and better thought out-  What an idiotic fallicy! I am going to start another, difficult Sugya today. My Torah and Avoda is who I am. And my Torah is elevated, made better and loftier, more real and full of Kedusha by the undercurrent of Yiras Shamayim that I am better developing. My ability to help people is broadened, tempered by a deeper, more real understanding of the struggles and challenges in life and in my service to my Tatteh In Himmel. I am fuller, standing in acceptance of my limitations and of appreciation of my inestimable worth, more genuine now, because of this added element. Yes, it would be nice not to have needed this. But the Rebono Shel Olam wants us to work hard, every day, and this is my challenge. Even if it was my mistakes and errors that led me down this path, today it's a path of growth, adding new, deeper layers of meaning to everything I do. The only thing shameful about this issue today would be if it wouldn't be addressed properly, the way the Rebono Shel Olam wants. And I have a lot to learn from you all, my friends, who have so much to teach me [and you each also have full, real lives, that are not defined by what we talk about here, except for in all the ways life is impacted by the work we are doing.]  So yes, I am so very thankful this morning to Hashem for you, my friends, for GYE, for my daily count. For all that adds to what I am today and what I am becoming.

I am Chaim Oigen, and I am reporting for Your service, Tatteh, in a better mood. Please allow me to experience a full measure of Your Bracha of והאר עינינו בתורתיך today, together with my friends.  

chaimoigen wrote on 05 Jul 2023 14:00:

Bingo!

Loving your posts, Reb Chaim. 
As far as assafsuf, well my friend, we all have a YH!!!! Yes, we have a YT too, Thank G-d! But Yom Kippur by mincha we read the parsha of Arayois because we remind ourselves, we always have that assafsuf/mis'avim/mis'oininim within us. That why we rememer Maaseh Amalek, to remind that evil really exists, and we have a little piece of it in the form of the YH within us. And yes, it would be nice if would just go to ....but in the meantime he's trying to get us there. 
I don't have to tell you, a person who obviously knows a lot more than I, what the tachlis of the YH is. Just imagine the bachur, going nuts from desires, feels like jumping off the roof, and he comes to you, "Rebbe, why??!! Why can't I just not have these ridiculous desires? Why can't I just serve Hashem in peace? What does Hashem want from me?" Whatever you will answer him....copy and send to me:)
My friend, yes, we have our whole lives to fight the scourge. I'm so glad I won't be lonely all the time because you'll be here with me:)

Sunday July 16, 2023

With the Chessed and Rachamim of the Rebono Shel Olam, I am at 61 Days since that fateful night that I fell and decided to do something different about it. BH. I don't think you guys would believe the intensity of the sense of love and Hakaras Hatov I have for you. Actually, maybe you can.   

Last night I had a vivid dream in which I dreamed about violating a Kabala that I have kept all these days...the pain I felt was so real. This morning I felt a profound sense of relief to know it wasn't real, was only a dream. [Maybe that's a Mashal for a lot..]  מודה אני לפניך... שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחלמה...

I am feeling a bit confused about how to deal with balancing GYE and the rest of my life. I have a lot to do, I am in the process of writing a Sefer, in addition to my other responsibilities. I'm generally pretty good at compartmentalizing, but for some reason this is taking up a lot of headspace and heartspace, and I find it getting in the way of some other things I need to do. Maybe because it's so personal? Or because I have never had the outlet to talk about this part of me? But I cannot let it go - I need it and it's important! And I have been connecting with some of you offline and have been Zocheh to give some Chizzuk, too, and that is Yuge. So I suppose that the answer is finding the proper balance, as in everything. But I would appreciate any thoughts that could be helpful from you, my good friends. 

Wishing you all, and me, a Gutte Voch - full of greatness and growth, with Oigen to see true Chaim.

CMO  
  

Whatever you decide, Reb Chaim, you must not leave entirely! We need your ko'ach, and your lichtige oigen
I think some of the pull to be here, at least for myself, is because here we can be real. I know, some people use the anonymity to continue being fake and fail to reach the truth about themselves and those they are affecting. But many people, including myself, find the power of the breath of air, the ability to just talk, to connect offline in a really open and authentic way, because we've learned here to open up. In most of our lives we hide many things and here we can be open, and we can be authentic. I find that some of the friendships I made with people here are more meaningful than many friendships I have with others that I know from "the real world". Because these friendships are without pretending
Reb Chaim, one of those friendships is yours. So keep it up and keep inspiring!

Eerie wrote on 16 Jul 2023 17:11:

I feel the same. And you, R' Eerie are an incredible inspiration. Your total goodness and "Ibergegebinkeit", your Ahava and Ratzon to be there for other Yiddin with Eitza and emotional support, it's something I really look up to. And want to emulate! Thanks for the Chizzuk. I am not going anywhere. Couldn't make it without my friends, anyways, you guys have saved my life. 
Back at you, Tayehreh Yedid - "Keep soaring my holy friend "! 

After further reflection - I think there is a big difference between connecting, which is receiving and maybe even giving Chizzuk, learning and growing from all of the great people here. Versus the other aspects of hanging out on in an internet community, which can be fun and addictive, but not necessarily the best way to spend one's time. Gonna keep checking in and try to focus on connecting. I added my email address to my signature. The better to connect to you with, my dears.   

I appreciate the warm, albeit undeserved, words. 

Last night I visited a new Beis Medrash for a few minutes to meet with a friend. On the way out, about to get into my car, I looked across the parking lot and froze. Found myself standing, for the first time in years, directly across from a small parking lot behind a public building. 

I was flooded with a sense of sadness as the images rushed over me.

I saw the moon peeking out, through tattered clouds, over a darkened, quiet town, at 3 AM. Saw a conflicted, confused Yungerman, sitting in the backseat of his own car, parked among the shadows, trying to connect to public Wifi, a wan blankness on face. He paused for a moment to think on just going home, about his learning, and then chose to go into just-not-thinking. A mix of self-loathing and desire making a bitter, metallic, taste in his mouth.... 

Standing next to a brand new Beis Medrash, looking across the bridge of many years and tears - I felt so bad for him. I have so much Rachmanus on him. I don't really understand him so well anymore. I have so many things I want to tell him, so much I want to say. [I also want to do whatever I can to help others like him, too]. I want to free him from that self-loathing and pain.. But I felt so sad.... 

I left, called a friend, and went on and I spent the rest of the evening engaged in productivity and learning.

Disquiet persists.
I am happy that that yungerman is doing so much better. I am glad he has found healing. Sad for what was lost. Proud of what has been gained. This I also know: There, but for the grace of Hashem and His undeserved Rachamim and Chessed go I. 
Gotta go make today count now.   

chaimoigen wrote on 19 Jul 2023 13:55:

After searching unsuccessfully with Google, and spending a while searching old threads,
I am happy to announce that I FINALLY know what KOMT means!!
And I will try to do it!!!

‘Twas a long awaited meeting, a kind of meeting that I have not experienced previously. 

Generally, you meet a guy, exchange pleasantries. Maybe begin a chavrusashaft. Relationship starts on the surface. Then, as times goes on, you get to talking, sharing. Things come out. The relationship deepens. Rarely you are blessed to achieve a comfort level where you share what’s happening deep in your Neshoma. To talk about your inadequacies, your fears and hopes and goals. Those friends are rare indeed. 

Yesterday I meant a close, close friend whom I have never met. Someone who I’ve become close with here on GYE. I’ve never shaken his hand, but he knows my secret falls and fears, and I his…. it’s kind of eerie, actually. 

It was a hug to remember, a special experience. He knows my face now, in addition to my secrets, and I know his and his warm, genuine smile.

It’s good to be real. 
I won’t let my friend down.