Was feeling a bit uncomfortable with what I wrote yesterday, was not entirely clear with what I am feeling.
This morning I have a deeper understanding, and want to write it here, mostly to concretize it for myself.
I realize that I have been feeling uncomfortable and disgruntled with the idea of having to live being constantly vigilant and maintaining awareness at all times. Of living with the feeling that "I have a problem" and that I need to check in each day, celebrate victories, and be on guard always against challenges and the potential of failing. I would so much rather view myself in the context of my accompliments, the Torah I am learning and teaching, and the people I am Zocheh to help. Feeling that it's shameful and weak to be looking forward to hopefully celebrate the terrific accomplishment of 60, 90, 100 days free of negative behavior together with my newfound friends on an annoymous forum for people with shameful issues. Terrific goalpost and Sheiyfah for life. Sorry folks, I realize that didn't sound nice at all.
But with understanding comes clarity. Firstly, and obviously, to nod understandingly at the Yetzer, who never fails to come up with another, creative one. Good try. {He winks back, a lascivious smile playing around his lips, a shrewd and playful sharpness in his keen blue eyes, as he tips his homburg at me. He'll have a new one tomorrow, I know.}
But more deeply, and better thought out- What an idiotic fallicy! I am going to start another, difficult Sugya today. My Torah and Avoda is who I am. And my Torah is elevated, made better and loftier, more real and full of Kedusha by the undercurrent of Yiras Shamayim that I am better developing. My ability to help people is broadened, tempered by a deeper, more real understanding of the struggles and challenges in life and in my service to my Tatteh In Himmel. I am fuller, standing in acceptance of my limitations and of appreciation of my inestimable worth, more genuine now, because of this added element. Yes, it would be nice not to have needed this. But the Rebono Shel Olam wants us to work hard, every day, and this is my challenge. Even if it was my mistakes and errors that led me down this path, today it's a path of growth, adding new, deeper layers of meaning to everything I do. The only thing shameful about this issue today would be if it wouldn't be addressed properly, the way the Rebono Shel Olam wants. And I have a lot to learn from you all, my friends, who have so much to teach me [and you each also have full, real lives, that are not defined by what we talk about here, except for in all the ways life is impacted by the work we are doing.] So yes, I am so very thankful this morning to Hashem for you, my friends, for GYE, for my daily count. For all that adds to what I am today and what I am becoming.
I am Chaim Oigen, and I am reporting for Your service, Tatteh, in a better mood. Please allow me to experience a full measure of Your Bracha of והאר עינינו בתורתיך today, together with my friends.