Last night was extremely difficult.
Long, draining day, with a lot of frustration and setbacks, low energy level, worries and challenges. My wife got her period. Then I needed to deal with something extraordinarily painful for me, at length. Did the best I could, and afterwards, I was on the verge of tears. I called my wife to discuss for a minute, but she was busy with something....
Sitting in my office, I had a strong thought/urge to "take a break" and "air out my brain" by looking up some interesting and distracting innocuous things on the internet.... Yeah, it was the same old corpse bride, beckoning to me to be with her, makeup on her rotting face.  
Thanks to the Rebono Shel Olam and all of you, I called an accountability partner instead, and texted a GYE friend. Told my wife I'd be home very late - And went and hooked up with a chavrusa and learned for a few hours. I generally love it, but felt a different chaim in it last night.  Maybe it was actually the sweetest night in a while...

I am still susceptible, and life can be hard. I still would have enjoyed what the red haze of abandon would have brought me, while I was in it ר״ל, and that is something that I have to continue to live with.  But I am eternally grateful that I don't have to do the same stupid things I have done in the past. I am grateful to have someone to call, who i believe truly cares about me. I care about me too, I think, more than I did a month ago. That feels good too. Thanks for being here

Chevra,
It's over a month since I started to lurk here. And 8 clean days since my last fall and my first post in this forum.
8 isn't a big number. I'm not proud of it.
But it can have the significance of representing Limaala Min HaTeva.
These 8 days have felt much longer than days normally feel, full of all sorts of conflicting emotions and tumultuous thoughts. New people, new ideas.
I read Vekam's entire thread tonight for a second time.  Malchus Shebimalchus! New thoughts and emotions expressed in Tefilla each day...
I (cautiously) feel like I'm maybe starting on the climb up and out. It's not normal, this feeling of Limaala, all with Siyata Dishmaya and help from you all. Not so lonely anymore. Not out of the woods, but seeing a path. It's a good feeling.

I bought a beautiful new Tallis for Shavuos. Top quality weave, Niputz Lishma, the whole works. 
I want to be standing enveloped in purity and Kedusha as the dawn breaks at the foot of Har Sinai.
I want to feel that there's a new fabric to my life, to my Tefillos, a new texture to my "Lo Sasuru", to my "VeHeyisem Kedoshim".
I felt that special sense when I tried on my new Tallis.
I'm really looking forward to Kabalas Hatorah this year. Will be Davening for all you - please Daven for me. I know there will be big challenges ahead.

Heaven forgive me - if i fall, i'm gonna throw my new tallis in the mud. 

   

Thank you Hakadosh Boruch Hu for 30 days of Tahara.
I know it may be a Vest SheAino Kavua, but it's a fundamental Shinui. I'm signing in blood on the dotted line.

Please accept this ראשית בכורים מידי in my attempt to finally give You my full measure of devotion, to dedicate, consecrate and hallow myself to Your service, בכל לבבי, בכל נפשי, ובכל מאודי.
I am here, in your Light, in your Eyes, standing, reporting for service.
אנה ה׳ כי אני עבדיך.... פתחת למוסירי.... לך אזבח זבח תודה.... נדרי אשלם.....

And thank you to my friends here, there are no words for the gift that you are.

Thank you Hakadosh Boruch Hu for 30 days of Tahara.
I know it may be a Vest SheAino Kavua, but it's a fundamental Shinui. I'm signing in blood on the dotted line.

Please accept this ראשית בכורים מידי in my attempt to finally give You my full measure of devotion, to dedicate, consecrate and hallow myself to Your service, בכל לבבי, בכל נפשי, ובכל מאודי.
I am here, in your Light, in your Eyes, standing, reporting for service.
אנה ה׳ כי אני עבדיך.... פתחת למוסירי.... לך אזבח זבח תודה.... נדרי אשלם.....

And thank you to my friends here, there are no words for the gift that you are.

Amen. I’ll make that Lechayim with all of you, friends ! 
Let’s keep doing it, together. 

Here is a thought I had today. I was reading a courageous post by ILoveHashem247 about how he flushed his meds down the toilet. 

and I was contemplating if there’s a way to apply the “flush method” to other challenges. To harness a blinding moment of clarity to take irreversible action and just flush the problem away. 

But then I had a realization, (a perhaps “Grantesque” thought). I can’t flush myself down the toilet. And I don’t want to, either.

Richtig Richtig!!!

I don’t want to flush any part of myself away, I want to be Misakein each part until I am whole. And wholesome and can serve Hashem with every aspect of who I am and with every part of my sometimes-fractured heart.

(Like we say in Pshischa, הרופא לשבורי לב- שהרפואה של ה"שבורי לב" זה לא בסילוק השבירה אלא בהמתקה שלה. את הלב הנשבר משאירים... אין שלם מלב שבור).


So I will have to change slowly, and heal the long way, each part of my heart and Neshoma at a time, one day at a time….

ken yehi Ratzon

Amen. I’ll make that Lechayim with all of you, friends ! 
Let’s keep doing it, together. 

Here is a thought I had today. I was reading a courageous post by ILoveHashem247 about how he flushed his meds down the toilet. 

and I was contemplating if there’s a way to apply the “flush method” to other challenges. To harness a blinding moment of clarity to take irreversible action and just flush the problem away. 

But then I had a realization, (a perhaps “Grantesque” thought). I can’t flush myself down the toilet. And I don’t want to, either. I don’t want to flush any part of myself away, I want to be Misakein each part until I am whole. And wholesome and can serve Hashem with every aspect of who I am and with every part of my sometimes-fractured heart. 

So I will have to change slowly, and heal the long way, each part of my heart and Neshoma at a time, one day at a time….

ken yehi Ratzon

Yesterday was an extraordinarily difficult day.
There is grieving and stress in my home. I was exposed to further conflict, tension, and pain in various situations that I attempted to mitigate for others. And then I received a call from a family member who has been terribly hurt, and I had to travel quite a distance to hold, to hug, to cry with, and to be a strong warm loving shoulder for heartbreaking tears.... 

There was a welcoming, comfortable hotel room booked for me, the emotional and physical wreck that I was. Many good reasons to stay overnight, do more Mitzvos in the morning. I had a ton of good reasons to sleep over, in an empty hotel room with a huge screen, in a university town. Lonely, forlorn and vulnerable, heartsick and world-weary.

Thank you Rebono Shel Olam.
I got the hell out of there, turned away before entering the room, just got in my car and drove away very fast.
I ate in the car while driving, spoke with a friend and a Rebbe, got home after midnight. Not lonely. Not heartsick. Very sad and tired, but with a warm afterglow in my heart.

     oh, thou fiendish bride of darkness, i sensed your shade hovering behind the doorway.... I am no longer in thrall to the clammy numbing comfort of your limpid embrace........
I am no longer that self-deluding fumbler, venturing timidly near the edges of the squalid shadows, waiting for your clutching grasp to reel him in, later to taste foul regret.

Today I choose rather to continue walking only on this safe, well-lighted path, together with my friends.

Through Hashem's grace and munificent, undeserved Chesed, i hope I will continue to unfurl the trueness in my heart, wings reaching upwards, becoming the man who I have been waiting to meet, all these years.

I mamash can't wait to get to know him better, I think I love him so much my heart hurts            

All seriousness aside, can you become an English teacher in one of our yeshivas? Our kids simply can't express themselves like you due to lack of rich vocabularies... 

Yesterday was an extraordinarily difficult day.
There is grieving and stress in my home. I was exposed to further conflict, tension, and pain in various situations that I attempted to mitigate for others. And then I received a call from a family member who has been terribly hurt, and I had to travel quite a distance to hold, to hug, to cry with, and to be a strong warm loving shoulder for heartbreaking tears.... 

There was a welcoming, comfortable hotel room booked for me, the emotional and physical wreck that I was. Many good reasons to stay overnight, do more Mitzvos in the morning. I had a ton of good reasons to sleep over, in an empty hotel room with a huge screen, in a university town. Lonely, forlorn and vulnerable, heartsick and world-weary.

Thank you Rebono Shel Olam.
I got the hell out of there, turned away before entering the room, just got in my car and drove away very fast.
I ate in the car while driving, spoke with a friend and a Rebbe, got home after midnight. Not lonely. Not heartsick. Very sad and tired, but with a warm afterglow in my heart.

     oh, thou fiendish bride of darkness, i sensed your shade hovering behind the doorway.... I am no longer in thrall to the clammy numbing comfort of your limpid embrace........
I am no longer that self-deluding fumbler, venturing timidly near the edges of the squalid shadows, waiting for your clutching grasp to reel him in, later to taste foul regret.

Today I choose rather to continue walking only on this safe, well-lighted path, together with my friends.

Through Hashem's grace and munificent, undeserved Chesed, i hope I will continue to unfurl the trueness in my heart, wings reaching upwards, becoming the man who I have been waiting to meet, all these years.

I mamash can't wait to get to know him better, I think I love him so much my heart hurts