Hi everyone

This is a post about how I got to day 21 so far. I have a burning desire to express this publicly, I don't really know why. Thanks for bearing with me even though it's a very (very) long post. Please forgive me.

Plus I think it can be helpful for some people to read. (And shoutout to champ Ki Sorisa for keeping me company on the Live Chat while I wrote this.)

(Background recap: Today is 21 days clean from masturbating, BH. Beforehand, I was masturbating about every day, often multiple times a day, sometimes spending hours in bed masturbating, waiting a bit, and doing it again, and again, and again.)

Some of the things that have been working for me:

1) Physical activity (going to the gym):

I've never in my life had a period where I was being physically active until I started going to the gym a couple weeks ago. Before that, the only time I got my heart rate up was when I masturbated. So for me, part of the pleasure of masturbating was really just the natural good feeling (endorphin rush) of getting my blood flowing.

Exercising is SOOO good for my mood! Pretty much whatever horrible mood I may be in when I start my workout is gone by the time I'm finished, and it is replaced with a feeling of fullness, confidence, and victory. It's much easier to push off hornyness from that state of mind, let me tell you.

2) Finding something non-sexual that feels orgasmic (going to the gym):

Some people I've told this to didn't relate, but I've found that the sensation that I get when working out with weights closely resembles how I feel when I orgasm. It's pushing my body, having my heart rate and adrenaline keep rising, and finally, when I literally can't go any more, BOOM I drop the weight and my body relaxes, leaving me panting, spent, and with a calm feeling in place of the rising tension. Is that not like masturbating?

3) Taking care of myself (including... going to the gym):

Someone told me the yesod that self-care does not mean spoiling yourself and drinking expensive iced coffee (despite what you might learn on Instagram). In fact, that is close to the opposite of true self-care.

Just like taking care of a child or elderly person can be very challenging, so is taking care of yourself. Things like making your bed, cleaning up your room, eating healthy, getting good sleep and exercising are things that we might not consider fun, but things that we would like to do for our children. We have to care for ourselves just as much!

After I learnt about this, I noticed that even basic things like using the bathroom when I needed it or taking a drink were things that I would push off if I was too lazy. That's not nice!! I wouldn't do that to someone else, but somehow I was overlooking my own needs.

(I'm not saying that there is never a place for pampering yourself as part of self-care, but that that is the secondary aspect of the practice. I think the adult-child analogy works well when determining the proper balance.)

Receiving love and caring from yourself is in some ways just as powerful or maybe even more powerful than receiving it from others, and is truly healing. I also think that you cannot really receive love from others, regardless of how much love they are offering, until you love yourself - it just has nowhere to get in.

4) Talking to others about the problem:

Someone wrote on the forum, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection."

I don't think of myself as an addict BH, but I connected to a few guys via the partner program and private messages on the forum. It is so geshmak to open up about these issues to another real live human being. I found phone calls to be most effective. (I haven't tried face to face meetings yet, but I would like to soon.) I personally have had more luck so far as a mentee than as an equal partner.

It really feels good to get these things off my chest. Just speaking out a fantasy that I have to a non-judgemental listening ear makes it feel like I am lifting a burden off of my heart.

Also, I would be so disappointed to have to report a fall to them, so it helps keep me in line as well.

It's scary, but do it, you won't regret it. Hashem Help Me is a great place to start.

(As an SSA guy, I am mindful of not letting something bad come out of speaking to other guys with the same issue. I think the risk is worth it, though. I'd love to hear thoughts/experience with this issue.)

5) Success breeds success!:

Once it's been a couple of days without masturbating, it's much easier for  me to take control of where I'm looking. If I'm just a few hours after (or before) fantasizing and masturbating, it doesn't feel significant to look at a boy sexually. But if I am clean and trying to stay that way, I want to help myself by not putting thoughts in my head. I wind up with explosively exponential kedusha!

          A few points that speak to the SSA oilam in particular:

6) Trying to dress and look more attractive (including going to the gym):

This is really part of self-care (above), but I feel that as a gay bochur, I spend more energy worrying about how I look than the average straight bochur who is not interacting much with girls. Even though I am not trying to connect sexually to guys, it is always in the back of my mind that part of me hopes to be able to get with a guy. or at least be viewed as attractive to another guy. (Anybody else out there always looking at their tush in the mirror?)

It is therefore unexpected that working on looking more attractive would be stepping in the right direction, but I feel that deep down somehow SSA is related to feeling needy and isolated and worthless, and therefore dressing the part of a good looking guy will be helpful at the root of the issue. (I am, I think, a good looking guy, but I got flabby and never put the effort into dressing well. That is now in the process of changing, bezras Hashem.)

Feeling like people find me attractive is a tremendous confidence booster, and also helps with the principle of pas besalo - since I feel like I could get with guys if I tried to, I feel less of a need to fantasize about it.

7) Connecting with other males in doing masculine things (in the gym):

The big drawback of visiting the gym, for me, is being exposed to guys who trigger me. It's a hazard that's inherent.

I find though that after attending regularly there is a bond that develops with the gym buddies and that ha gufa - connecting socially to such sexually attractive guys in a completely non-sexual setting is extremely healthy. (It's really early on for me in the process, so this section is somewhat speculative.)

What I do is - and I am far from perfect - if I find myself staring, I push away the thought and focus on why I am coming to the gym in the first place. It's possible!

Also, the gym is, ironically, a place of vulnerability in some way: guys are helping each other and being helped, giving and taking advice and encouragement, and facing their limits every day. It's great to build connections there.

Shoutout to you if you made it to the end!! I really appreciate it. Many thanks.

Can anybody out there relate to this stuff? Any thoughts? Will you try any of it?