Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on the forum so I thought I would share a bit about my experience.

I'm currently 19, and live with my parents. I didn't grow up in a religious setting, and there are few Jews where I live. However, my family is not irreligious and when I was a child we would go to synagogue most Saturdays. My family always observed certain mitzvot and traditions (for example celebrating holidays, eating only kosher meat).  Since my mother is originally from Israel, she taught me Hebrew at a young age.

I was probably first exposed to pornography at age 11 or 12 in school.  I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I do remember an instance in which a kid in my class played inappropriate videos in class.  As a child I was always curious, and that curiosity led me down the dark rabbit hole of porn.  I was inherently disgusted and traumatized by the things I saw and knew how wrong it was.  Despite that, the shock of what I saw kept me looking.  Since then, I have consistently tried to quit but have not yet achieved permanent freedom. Over the past several years, I have generally had a relapse every few weeks - few months.  Subconsciously, it became a reactionary behavior when I during times when I was overwhelmed by negative emotions and not thinking consciously. 
For years I was so ashamed that I felt unable to open up to anyone about the issue, or even search for help online.  Unfortunately, this made me feel very alone and only perpetuated the habit.  The self-hatred led me to become physically ill, and caused a lot of suffering. Since then I have spoken to some friends about the topic, and discovered that most - if not all - of them were also exposed at a young age and developed a habit.  I eventually told my mom, who has been supportive and has helped me stay away from triggers when I'm vulnerable.

However, all this has taught me a lot about struggle, and develop a greater sense of empathy and compassion for others who are struggling. It has led me to a deeper understanding of life and find answers to some of life's most important questions.  This understanding has helped me change my life for the better, and become more aware of my purpose.  I have been working harder to let go of the things which held me down in the past, and as a result have started to heal and become truer to myself.  I try to see the positivity in every situation and remember that everything is ultimately for the best.  I try to keep in mind that the more a person trusts in God - which is beyond the limitations of this world -  the more a person is able to transcend those limitations. 

I wish you all the best, and am sure you will succeed in finding true freedom.

However, all this has taught me a lot about struggle, and develop a greater sense of empathy and compassion for others who are struggling. It has led me to a deeper understanding of life and find answers to some of life's most important questions.  This understanding has helped me change my life for the better, and become more aware of my purpose.  I have been working harder to let go of the things which held me down in the past, and as a result have started to heal and become truer to myself.  I try to see the positivity in every situation and remember that everything is ultimately for the best.  I try to keep in mind that the more a person trusts in God - which is beyond the limitations of this world -  the more a person is able to transcend those limitations. 

I wish you all the best, and am sure you will succeed in finding true freedom.

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