Excuse my blatant ignorance Markz, what is that supposed to mean?

Eerie wrote on 29 Nov 2022 00:09:

In my own experience, much of the damage to my life, learning, and relationships was from the secrecy and the need to mantain the double life. In the beginning of my journey on GYE, someone accidentally discovering my secret would have been catastrophic. Now, B"H, thanks to the work done on the forum, in in-person and phone meetings, and in therapy, I am pretty fine with that possibility. That doesn't mean I go around announcing it. No constructive purpose for anyone in that. But the fear is much less. And that is the best part for me long-term.

Hi Jackthejew! Thanks for all the chizuk and the input. I totally agree that the relief of getting it out was tremendous for me, and even what's uncomfortable is all worth it. And while it wouldn't bother me if I met you and you realized it was me, there was something about spilling out my kishkes that really made me feel Ichy. It could be it was just my gaava, but it was yucky that I gave all the details of all I've done wrong to a live person. As none judgemental as I hope that person to be, a human being is still only a human being. But BH we are past that! Pray for me at the western wall, my friend!

Eerie wrote on 29 Nov 2022 08:38:

While it feels nasty in the moment to tell all to someone else, the relief of beginning recovery is definitely substantial. In the long-term though, I've found even more positive emotion than that when the realization hit that I no longer cared about it with the full heaviness and that the impact it once had on my life was going away. One big moment for me was actually reading the first Siman in Mishnah Berurah of Shivisi Hashem L'negdi Tomid and realizing how I'd led my life exactly as if I'd replaced Hashem with Porn R"L. Evaluating every action, every thought, every word. Will someone catch me this way, that way, or the other way. The "end of the road" constantly played itself out in my imgination. I imagined the feeling of being made to "Give Din V'cheshbon", not to Beis Din Shel Maaloh and Hashem, but to my parents, Rabbeim, Friends, and the whole world who would surely judge me and denounce me for the Rasha I was. I'd be thrown out of Yeshiva, my community, and my circle of friends. I'd never get a Shidduch. I might be put in Cherem. And on and on and on... It's no wonder that walking around with THAT on my head for years will do some damage in many areas. Therefore, the relief cannot be overstated of getting to a point where I am not just relieved that I'm not being judged, but realizing I don't care much if others judge me in this area, since I know I'm doing what I can  Al Pi Da'as Toirah.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 28 Nov 2022 18:58:

Unfortunately, on rare occassion there have been people on GYE forums who "had issues". It is not advisable to reveal any identifying info to anyone until you feel confident that that individual is sincere, or you were given his number by the GYE administrative staff. One must be careful. Of course when the moderators realize that one has questionable intentions, they get involved, but that sometimes takes time to happen. 

Markz wrote on 29 Nov 2022 06:12:

What?!?!? 

WHAT?

Hi there my dear friends! I'm still just starting on this journey towards helping myself, BH had a few DMCs with HHM, (In my phone I saved his number as HHH, Hashem Help HIM, because I need him to be there for me!) and I don't know how long you have all been on this journey and whether you've had similar experiences, but I'd like share some of mine. These days I'm very emotional, (I'm generally an emotional person, and I sometimes wish my mind would dictate my actions more). But something happened that surprised me. It's something that made me feel like I can really get past all this. I hope I won't be upsetting anyone by sharing, but this morning I really cried. I have been having these issues for years, BH I didn't do anything terrible in my Yeshiva years, but like all humans I've had sexual desires. I would look up every gemara (my parents' home is pretty clean) I could find about it, checking up the artscroll, (then having to check everything in a dictionary! Where do they pick up all those words?), and I read some bad things, although nothing on the P level. But at the end of the day I looked at myself as a bad guy for wanting these things, for looking at women, for reading things I shouldn't have. When I started reading really terrible things, and then watching P, I would always cry later, I would beg Hashem to be moichel me, I would promise that it won't happen again...and it happened again. And again. And again. I can't tell you when, but at a certain point I had an emotional disconnect, on some level I just accepted that this was me, and that's that. I have asked Hashem to be moichel, I have klapped s'lach lanu, I even told Hashem that it wouldn't happen again. But  I have not cried about it for years, I had almost zero emotion in it (HHM, if you are reading this I'm sure you will have a hard time believing me, but it's true). I wrote earlier about my RH and YK the past few years, they were dry. I tried, but my emotions were locked away. I'm no psychologist but I would guess it was just old fashioned Yi'ush. Plain and simple yi'ush. I gave up on ever getting out. So to deal with it I just disconnected. And then I posted here. I spoke to HHM, a person I cannot thank enough and I wish I would have met a long long time ago. And I see hope. I see light, I see that I really can stop these things, I really can stop acting out, I see myself as able to get out of this filth, I see myself as able to one day post that I'm up to day 10000. And the dam burst. I cried like I have not cried about this in a long time. It felt so good to feel myself. I felt alive. Because I am alive. I can do this, I can fight, I can stay clean, I can make Hashem proud, I can make my wife proud, I can make my parents proud, and yes, I can even make myself proud. Yes, I can look in the mirror and be proud. Because I'm here for the long haul. Dearest friends, my dear dear brothers, I so happy to join you all in the land of the living!

I not only love what you write I LOVE the way you write!!!!!! 
So clear and soo geshmak ( like if I would want to write what u post above it wouldn’t come out half as clear) keep these beautiful post coming please,l (better said-we) love them!

I loved your post! and its 100% correct. 
Most of us never imagined that we will be able to get out and we did! We are all still human and have ups and downs. But lots and lots of people have gotten MUCH better and MUCH MUCH further where they thought possible! So come on up on the ladder and hold on as you make your way up. 
Here in the treehouse its not all laughs and giggles but its a heck more fun of being down in the mud and giving up. 
Another point, i think that a lot of people here are also emotional people. Not everyone, but a lot of people who get sucked into this stuff are very loving and caring and sensual and emotional this is why this creeps in so deeply for us because we wanna connect on some level to other people. Im also very emotional. I cry a lot. I refuse to shut it down i never want to despair. Keep on lettings out your emotions, its very healthy.

I actually feel so stupid typing my half English no grammar post in front of theses two fancy perfect amazing writers! You guys both write beautifully! 
joke: but please don’t tell the New York  times that chasdim can’t write 

Hey chancy, I couldn't say it better. I am a very emotional person, like I cry when when my kids do something special, and they get all confused. I have to explain that I'm not crying because it hurts, just because I'm emotional. By now my kids know that it doesn't take much to get me to cry. When I say stories to kids I can cry with the protagonist! So I feel like I really get what you wrote. I love my kids to pieces. It's just we gotta keep these emotions from getting us in trouble. And no, don't ever shut it down, you and I and all the amazing fighters here will make it, we are making Hashem proud because we are fighting, and he loves us for it. We will bring Moshiach, no doubt. I have to say, after being on here for just a few days I'm trying to figure out why Moshiach isn't here yet....

Dear Geshmak! Just post, talk to us. We don't work for the Websters, you know. 
און אויב דו ווילסט קענסט שרייבן צו מיר אין אידיש! איך וועל הנאה האבען צו הערן פון מיין היימישע ברודער
און מיר פארגעסען נישט "וטהר ליבם באמת....
My friend, keep it up and keep giving us chizuk! (And don't mention the filthy NYT)

Hey Jack! How'd you read my mind? I would always think that my parents don't know yet, but my grandparents, who have passed on, are looking down and totally disowning me...I'm coming up behind you my friend, I'm definitely less worried and care less, and one day I'll be like you. thanks for the inspiration!

You wanna know why he isn't here yet? This is what our holy sfarim say. 
There are 50 levels of impurity against 50 levels of Holiness l'havdil. the 50th level of holiness is freedom (as in the 50 year is the Jubilee/Yoivel) 
but in order to get that activated the 50th level needs to be cleaned out. Because its like a see-saw they are aligned up against each other. when one rises the other falls. So in order to raise the 50th level of Kdusha, the 50th level of tuma needs to be cleand out. Hashem saw that the yiden in Mitzrayim are not capable of doing it and it would be fatal for them to attempt. so he preempted the redemption earlier then expected. But it wasnt a complete redemption yet. So our job now is to go into the depths of the 50 level of tuma and collect the sparks of holiness and raise them up. How do we do that, you ask? 
1. By realizing that everything beautiful and good and desirable in this world is only alive because it has a holy spark in it, without that, it would cease to exist.
2. The you say to yourself, "if this beautiful car (a euphemism that's also true for me, as I love a good car) is so desirable because it has a holy spark, how much more beautiful and desirable is to be able to connect to higher levels of these holy sparks until you connect with Hashem? infinitely more!
You see, love and beauty and connection and all other character traits (midos) that we use in this world are actually very holy attributes from up high that after many many constrictions and conversions come into this world as physical things that we can comprehend, but they are only weak imitations of the real thing as they are accessed up high. So this is our job to see the beauty, understand the holy spark thats keeping it alive, think about the higher beauty, and raise everything up to Hashem!.