Hi there all my anonymous friends!
I am on here for a while, most of the time just to sign in and update where I'm holding, but from time to time I do read around some posts on the forums, and I am really at a loss of words when I try to describe what I think about all of you. I'm simply awed into silence. You guys are all amazing, fighting the terrible urges, sometimes in such difficult circumstances, from complicated pasts, I stand humbled. I am so proud to at least be part of the same nation, even if I don't come close. Keep up the fight and may Hashem be with all  of you and may you feel his closeness.
And now, Hi! I gave myself the name eerie because that's what I think about my situation. I am blissfully married to a really special person,(which, I learned from the posts on this site, is not to be taken for granted. It's something that so many of my dear friends here struggle with, their addictions creating issues in their marriage and the problems in their marriage further exacerbating their addictions) and we have seven wonderful kids. I really cannot imagine a better marriage, we respect each other, love each other, communicate beautifully, and my intimate life is wonderful. I believe my wife would say the same.  I am a seriously respected member of my community, I am in a position of chinuch (and I think I do a pretty good job:)), so why oh why on earth am I here? What would the people think if they knew? Would I still have a wife? Would they let me talk to my kids? At that point would I even care about my job or my life's mission? I BH had a wonderful upbringing, loving and caring parents who are very proud of their "successful kli kodesh" son. What would they think if they knew? These thoughts were on my mind as I created my account and the feeling I had was "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie." So there you have it. It's all in the name.
A little about me. I think many of you would disagree but I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. I have no smartphone (if you would only hear me speak about the downfalls), no computer at home. So where and when do/did I fall? I called a talk line by mistake, I was trying to reach a company. I was horrified. I hung up and told my wife about it. But, of course, my curiosity  plus urge  got me to call. This was probably 10+ years ago, called maybe 10 times total. Can't remember the last time I did that. Then my wife got a smartphone, and we blocked the browser entirely through parental controls, with each of us having half the code. Of course, when I was down I tried a few times and of course I figured out her half. Here and there I would go on really bad sites. Not long thereafter we got rid of that phone. That was also 10+ years ago/ But every once in a while I fall. I once found that one computer in the Yeshiva (!!!!) where I work had no filter. You read that right.. No filter, in the yeshiva computer! I would estimate that once in 2-3 months I went on really bad stuff there. One day I just realized that I need accountability, so I came to GYE. I know I have to answer to someone, I'm going to write it if I fall, and that helps me.
Now you might wonder, what am I writing this for? I am writing it first of all because I feel a kinship and I feel likes it's "therapeutic" to tell my story someplace. Because even the people that I really trust, I can't tell them any of this. I sometimes wish there was an anonymous phone line where I could call and tell a Rav what I struggle with, to get it out of my system. When I was bachur I was really close to my rebbeim, and I shared with them even my deepest secrets and struggles, I would tell my Rebbe if I M'd. BH I didn't stuggle with that much, but I did do it a few times in my bachurishe years, and my rebbe knew/knows about it. Maybe I'm weird that I shared that with my rebbe, but that's me. If I felt an attraction to a bachur I told him, and he understood me, always helped me, never judged me. There's no question that having such a person in my life changed me in unimaginable ways.  Alas, I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to go to anyone and discuss my normal struggles and mistakes at this point. What would a rav or even my rebbe, whom I am still very close to 20+ years later, think if a person in my position came and said "I struggle with this. Once in a while I can fall into watching P." I can't do that, so I'm saying it here. I'm a healthy person with normal urges and desires and it can happen that I fall sometimes. I try to avoid unfiltered machines, when I'm at my parents' house I don't touch their devices,  I told them to never let my kids touch their things and I warn my children to stay away, not even to look at Grandma's phone. But I know that every once in a while I'll find a device, and my urges, desires and curiosity (yes, I am still curious as to what some tags on some sites are supposed to mean. Curiosity is powerful.) can get the better of me. I joined GYE so I have to give an accounting, and I even had a fall since I joined, which I reported. I have a life's story, like everyone else, and here I shared some. Maybe some more another time.
But another reason I write this is because I look at what other people have written here, and I realize how small I am. I, the guy who sits up front at dinners, the guy whom you may have even heard at a dinner or some other place, I look at you in awe. Because I am not torn to shreds like some of you are, I have a happy marriage, and so many of you are working so hard to just keep the pieces in place. You are brutally honest with yourselves, and in spite of being in places I have only read about, doing things out there....in spite of that you are here, trying mightily to get only closer to Hashem, to be good, to be clean. I also struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as most of the people here. And I wish I could shake your hand and tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud, and I know that I can't imagine how proud Hashem is. Keep it up!!! In this world I'm at the head table at the dinner, but believe me, at the se'udas livyason you guys will be up there, I hope I'll at least be in the crowd!

I had a question I hope some of you can answer. Why is it that when we ask questions nobody writes anything, but when we are stating our opinion everybody has what to say? Oh, nobody will answer because I asked, so I'll write this as fact. 
Eerie says: When we ask questions people let it pass, but when we state things as fact everybody has what to say

Thank you for this post! Did you ever end up reaching out to your rabbi from your youth? I have not yet have a chance to read through all of your posts on this thread.

Eerie wrote on 10 Feb 2023 19:51:

Im here a few years now and i haven't observed such a pattern. 

Shmuel wrote on 10 Feb 2023 20:30:

I was just joking around, I have ended some posts lately with questions, and nobody answered them. that's all. have a wonderful Shabbos!

] wrote:

Not as far as this struggle is concerned. I did reach out to HHM and I've made some incredible friends here, friends who look after me and care about me. I have been thinking lately that maybe I should open up to my rebbe, but I'm not sure if there's a point and it definitely will be very very difficult for me. He's a smart man, but I don't think he has ruach hakodesh. He knows me for 20+ years as a yeshiva bachur, kollel yungerman, maggid shiur. What will my opening up to him do to his perception of me? I learned here that the one he has now is not a false perception, just an incomplete picture. I don't know if I should fill in the missing parts for him. It will be very painful for me, and what's to be gained? On the other hand, I feel like I really want to be open, as part of the normalization of the struggle, as I've written in regards to having friends in this with me. But I have not decided anything yet. Anybody have any thoughts?

As healing as it is to open up our scary secrets to others and find acceptance, it can be incredible painful to open up and feel rejection. I myself opened up to my Rebbi about it in the past, before my issues got as serious as they did in recent months, and though I know him to be a very broad-minded and wise person, I did feel a certain amount of rejection. I may be picking up on something real, or I may be imagining it, but either way that has been my experience, and it has negatively affected my relationship with him. This is a disaster, because having a positive relationship with my Rebbi was absolutely critical in my life as a frum yid, as I'm sure your relationship with your Rebbi has been for you.
So if there's any chance that you will come away with feelings which will cause difficulty in your relationship with you're Rebbi, it's advisable to be extremely cautious before opening up. But if in the end the relationship will be fine, I don't think the pain of the experience is a reason not to do it. Aderaba it's a pain of healing.

Hi there all my holy friends! Maybe I'm mistaken but it seems to me that there are a whole bunch of new faces here, each with so much to offer. I feel like there are tons of new people joining every day, and they are actively involved, beautiful! We have to ask Geshmak!, I think he keeps track of how many people are signed up, signing up, will sign up, have thought about signing up, should be signing up;) I guess those who came before me have seen it happen many times before, but for me the most amazing part is watching the new members here post their story, watch them learn this place, and following them as they grow, as they learn to identify their challenges, learn how to deal with them, strategize, and to see them really fight back which is the success, it is so heartwarming to see people growing and graduating these issues. I know, I sound de elter zeide, but hey, maybe I am:)