4-REASSESS ATTITUDE TOWARDS SEX
I'm working on changing my whole attitude towards the natural urge and desire for sexual expression. I learned that I can train myself to think differently about the whole thing, it is not a NEED, it is not a necessity, a thing my physical or emotional heath REQUIRES. It is a desire, nothing more. A strong desire, but nothing will happen to me if I deny myself that pleasure. I wrote about some of how I'm trying to retrain myself in the BB Forum. I also keep reminding myself from time to time, yes, it's enjoyable. Yes, I like it. Yes, I'm human. But I don't require it. Besides for the fact that thinking this way is so helpful in my struggles, it has also had an enormous impact on the dynamics of my marriage, in a most positive, constructive way. It's being married the way it was meant to be. Included in this is retrain my thought patterns about P, to realize that it's mamash poison to the human mind. The more I'll retrain my brain to think negatively about it, the greater my chances of not falling in there again. 

1a-Reach out to someone live!
No question that this was the most important and effective thing. The greatest game-changer. Before I posted I thought I would never have done it. It is excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, the works. I even wrote in my first post that I just can't talk to anyone about it. After I posted I realized that this is what I need. So I bit the bullet and I did it. It is so hard to just open up and tell somebody all the things you've done wrong, and they don't even know you and all your virtues, but it is worth anything in the world. After I did it I felt such a relief, like a release of tons of built up pressure. I also learned that it's not as hard as I thought it would be, because the person listening to me knows my struggles and accepts me, appreciates me, understands the effort it took to reach out, and respects me for that. To speak to someone is to have someone hear you out in a personal way, to listen to your hearts pain and struggles, and to offer tailor-made advice and direction. There is no one-size-fits-all for almost anything, and definitely not in this struggle. To have somebody talk to you, where you are holding, to hold your hand and lead you, ain't nothing that compares. 

Hi there all my anonymous friends!
I am on here for a while, most of the time just to sign in and update where I'm holding, but from time to time I do read around some posts on the forums, and I am really at a loss of words when I try to describe what I think about all of you. I'm simply awed into silence. You guys are all amazing, fighting the terrible urges, sometimes in such difficult circumstances, from complicated pasts, I stand humbled. I am so proud to at least be part of the same nation, even if I don't come close. Keep up the fight and may Hashem be with all  of you and may you feel his closeness.
And now, Hi! I gave myself the name eerie because that's what I think about my situation. I am blissfully married to a really special person,(which, I learned from the posts on this site, is not to be taken for granted. It's something that so many of my dear friends here struggle with, their addictions creating issues in their marriage and the problems in their marriage further exacerbating their addictions) and we have seven wonderful kids. I really cannot imagine a better marriage, we respect each other, love each other, communicate beautifully, and my intimate life is wonderful. I believe my wife would say the same.  I am a seriously respected member of my community, I am in a position of chinuch (and I think I do a pretty good job:)), so why oh why on earth am I here? What would the people think if they knew? Would I still have a wife? Would they let me talk to my kids? At that point would I even care about my job or my life's mission? I BH had a wonderful upbringing, loving and caring parents who are very proud of their "successful kli kodesh" son. What would they think if they knew? These thoughts were on my mind as I created my account and the feeling I had was "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie." So there you have it. It's all in the name.
A little about me. I think many of you would disagree but I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. I have no smartphone (if you would only hear me speak about the downfalls), no computer at home. So where and when do/did I fall? I called a talk line by mistake, I was trying to reach a company. I was horrified. I hung up and told my wife about it. But, of course, my curiosity  plus urge  got me to call. This was probably 10+ years ago, called maybe 10 times total. Can't remember the last time I did that. Then my wife got a smartphone, and we blocked the browser entirely through parental controls, with each of us having half the code. Of course, when I was down I tried a few times and of course I figured out her half. Here and there I would go on really bad sites. Not long thereafter we got rid of that phone. That was also 10+ years ago/ But every once in a while I fall. I once found that one computer in the Yeshiva (!!!!) where I work had no filter. You read that right.. No filter, in the yeshiva computer! I would estimate that once in 2-3 months I went on really bad stuff there. One day I just realized that I need accountability, so I came to GYE. I know I have to answer to someone, I'm going to write it if I fall, and that helps me.
Now you might wonder, what am I writing this for? I am writing it first of all because I feel a kinship and I feel likes it's "therapeutic" to tell my story someplace. Because even the people that I really trust, I can't tell them any of this. I sometimes wish there was an anonymous phone line where I could call and tell a Rav what I struggle with, to get it out of my system. When I was bachur I was really close to my rebbeim, and I shared with them even my deepest secrets and struggles, I would tell my Rebbe if I M'd. BH I didn't stuggle with that much, but I did do it a few times in my bachurishe years, and my rebbe knew/knows about it. Maybe I'm weird that I shared that with my rebbe, but that's me. If I felt an attraction to a bachur I told him, and he understood me, always helped me, never judged me. There's no question that having such a person in my life changed me in unimaginable ways.  Alas, I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to go to anyone and discuss my normal struggles and mistakes at this point. What would a rav or even my rebbe, whom I am still very close to 20+ years later, think if a person in my position came and said "I struggle with this. Once in a while I can fall into watching P." I can't do that, so I'm saying it here. I'm a healthy person with normal urges and desires and it can happen that I fall sometimes. I try to avoid unfiltered machines, when I'm at my parents' house I don't touch their devices,  I told them to never let my kids touch their things and I warn my children to stay away, not even to look at Grandma's phone. But I know that every once in a while I'll find a device, and my urges, desires and curiosity (yes, I am still curious as to what some tags on some sites are supposed to mean. Curiosity is powerful.) can get the better of me. I joined GYE so I have to give an accounting, and I even had a fall since I joined, which I reported. I have a life's story, like everyone else, and here I shared some. Maybe some more another time.

Eerie wrote on 12 Dec 2022 18:03:

Many have expressed similar sentiments.  I wrote about it a couple of times on my thread.
 Try to remember the opportunity for greatness that is presented each time you reject these urges.  in addition it is brought down from the meiras aynaim (I think that’s the name) that after rejecting these urges is an auspicious time for Tefila….