Welcome! שלום עליכם!
Yup there are many people working in chinuch that have this types of nisyunies… I’m one of them. When I was reading your first post I seriously thought someone was writing my life story (with some mistakes,like 7 kids instead of 3 etc) I’m a very respected person in my circles bh I actually helped many buchrem and some yungerlet get of the internet and yes I myself struggled with it… I really suggest you email Hhm a very special person he helped me a ton! There’s a underlying reason why you have this urges it’s normal but you want to take care of it like that you shouldn’t even fall once in a while… so reach out to him, he himself is in chinuch and went through he’s own story… check out he’s thread .

הצלחה רבה and גוט שבת!!

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 21:07:

Bravo I can't believe I read the whole thing, I am not that type lol. You are someone I can look up at, I also teach some boys from time to time and I would sometimes wonder similarly. I haven't seen someone so professional come and speak up like you have, it's really a breath taking moment reading through this all. The courage you have to try and end it, the real truth and up to date you are, I have seen your commitments that you call something, very on top of yourself, you are a leader to me this time around, keep up your work!

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing!
all the people in the dais have challenges in action and thought. They likely do things that would be mortifying if discovered. And our role is to judge them best, שמא עשה תשובה? ודאי עשה תשובה!

Welcome to GYE. Beautiful first post (as well as the follow up posts). You expressed your feelings excellently - and they are a carbon copy of so many people here - including many respected machanchim. Sensitive people who truly care about others and have the talent to effect change in others probably have the highest percentage of strugglers in this inyan. This struggle comes from deep within, and is expressed with creativity, passion, and imagination. That is the typical makeup of a successful rebbi, menahel, magid shiur, rav, as well as many dear individuals who have "secular" jobs but are askanim and ba'alei chessed. You will b'ezras Hashem not only be fine, but probably you will end up assisting many others with this challenge as you extricate yourself from this mess. Hatzlocha.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 25 Nov 2022 12:21:

Thank you R’ Hhm! So so clear…as usual!
just wanted to add that I once heard that when you see in ש.ע. That a בעל נפש יחמור… what does it mean a בעל נפש?? So I heard or read in a ספר , it’s going on people you mentioned above people that a very emotional and very connected,people that have tons of love etc. such a person is a בעל נפש, and he should be מחמור on himself in some הלכה rules because such a person has more ניסינית and can fall faster in these areas so he should be extra careful…  so חברה don’t feel bad that you have such lust for these stuff just the opposite it’s a compliment a מאלה we have!! But of course if you don’t take care of it then we all were u end up, but if you do and u use your כחס for good will just go מלה למלה עד אין שיער!!!

גוט שבת!

Btw you mentioned something abt your parents with unfiltered devices… it’s so scary I read so many post from good buchrem that trying to be good and in yeshivah there as clean as anything but they come home and they nabach fall into the worst dirt the world has to offer r’l, like I can’t judge people but like why is it so hard for the older generation to listen to the גדולים like I’m חסדיש (bh ) in my community there is no such thing as access to open internet in a home… I’m not saying there ar no nisyines but it much easier that it’s not in your own house and I had never seen anything close to porn before I got married BH! I don’t think I would be Frum today if I would know abt these Stuff from a young age… maybe gye should make a massive awareness and that there should not be a Jewish home even very modern that has open access, who knows how many Jews can be saved from the horrors of the internet, like in my circles they make a matziv abt technology and it really helped we got make a matziv abt this every were! Don’t worry gye will still be open till משיח comes but with much easier cases and less people,so no need to worry this forum will still stay alive and geshmak!!
גוט שבת!!

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 21:07:

Thank you, @eerie. I also find it hard to not have a person close to me with whom I can share. I’ve thought so many times about trying to open up to a local Rav with whom I am close. But my past includes things that I’m sure they would find so heinous, I would never dare tell, even though I overcame the behaviors a long time ago. I have a real inner shame that no one knows but me. So I understand how you feel. I just wish there was someone I could trust in my life so I wouldn’t feel alone in my struggle. Thanks for your beautiful posts. 

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 21:44:

No, my respect for you would not diminish one iota. I can have deep respect for your Torah knowledge and take in your words and learn from you, even if I know you are not perfect. Even a Torah giant is still a human male. One struggle does not negate all the good. Is this a problem in our communities? That people don’t allow for the humanity of each one of us? That we cannot accept that even a talmid chochom can (and will) have his challenges in life and sometimes that challenge is of a sexual nature? If anything, my respect for you goes up for admitting that despite being who you are and despite whatever position you are in, you also have things you struggle with. Now, I, who knows much less than you, can relate more to you as a person, not just a learned Jew. I know I’m rambling a bit…apologies. Many of us here judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge our brothers on the site. I think that’s normal. Try not to be so hard on yourself. 

To my dearest brand-new friends, כל אחד בשמו הטוב יבורך
I just signed back in to GYE, and I've all your posts  a few times. I am literally sitting in my office and crying. For real. They are not tears of pain or regret, not even tears of teshuva. They are tears of such deep emotion, of feeling understood, of feeling loved, of feeling cared for. And really, really, they are tears of feeling free. I'm in this for years as I've written above, and I've kept it all bottled up. Nobody is in here with me. For some reason Hashem saw yesterday as the day to let me begin breathing again. I decided to write some of my story, even though there was nothing particular going on in my life. I didn't imagine that yesterday would become my birthday! The outpouring of understanding, the reaching out to me on my terms, just having shared my struggles and having people read them and comment are absolutely transformative! I'm walking around the Yeshiva and I wonder if anybody notices that I'm so much calmer and happier. I'm mamash crying as i type this, I wish I could hug each one of you, you've restored my faith in myself, you've given me so much by giving me your time, I can read your posts again and again. Some of you write that your afraid your rambling, while I wish you would write even more! Of course I still feel the need for my anonymity, but having put it out there and seeing your responses has totally made me open to getting to talking to people about this. You guys should all be gebentched with every good thing!

Dear Geshmak, thank you for all the warm words! About my parents and their devices, I grew up before most of this was invented, and I also shudder to think what would have been my fate if I would have been born 10 years later, but yes you are sadly correct. I remember when I was already married, my youngest sister was still in school and my parents went to a school function where they educated the parents in the nisyoinois of the generation. My mother came back and told me "____________, I'm frightened for you to have to raise children in this generation". But somehow they don't get it. I must say I respect them that when I go them I tell them to never give their devices to my kids and they accept that. But what about my nieces, nephews etc. who come and go, and their parents are not so on top of it? I even asked an adam gadol if I should stop visiting my parents, and the adam gadol gave me the advice to ask them to work with me, which I was frightened to try. BH it worked for me, but I wouldn't let my kids go to them without me being there. It's hard. I'm with you

Emes-a-yid, I can't tell enough what your encouraging words mean to me! For years to walk around thinking I'm a ________, and viewing myself from that perspective, to struggle, sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes falling right before I would give a shiur, and when I got home after the shiur the YH would get to work at how two-faced I am, and down I would go. And I really thought about giving up my job here. I bought a lottery ticket at the last huge powerball lottery, and I told Hashem "I know you want me to quit the chinuch job, but I can't. So  please let me win so I can have a kosher excuse for leaving my job", and I really meant it. I really appreciate your thoughtful, well-worded comments. We have to all remember the power of the encouraging words we can say. I'm really thankful. You should be gebentched. 

I'm sorry Geshmak, zei moichel, I should have written REB Geshmak!  On a serious note, I will take your advice, I emailed HHM already and look forward to talking to him. It's crazy that writing it here changed my whole outlook and I'm really ready to talk to someone. I would have fainted from the thought just yesterday! It is also so gratifying to hear from someone in such a similar place, who can identify with the unique struggle of the guys on the dais, the guys in the pictures in the newspapers, the guys who sit with big rabbanim discussing issues. I really appreciate your sharing!

to yud909, I just love the way you wrote "That's who I am. I am an eved Hashem. I am a good father. I am a good husband. I am koveia ittim to Torah. I come to davening on time and daven from beginning to end without talking and looking at my phone. The list goes on and on. I refuse to not respect myself and define my self based on the minority of my time spent doing deplorable actions"
These few words are so unbelievably powerful! I have to read them every day, at least twice a day!

לכבד הרב eerie שליט׳א 
it’s almost shabbos when I read your latest post so I’m not gonna respond to most of what your wrote ( now at least) but I just want to say fast number 1 I’m so happy you reached out to Hhm!
and second you wrote that yesterday was a special day for for you… it sure was but it also was a very special day for GYE that we gotta such amazing mechanics on board it’s important to have such people like you here and besides all the chizuk you’ll give us all you probably could help spread the light to your students that if they need help in this area they know they can turn to gye…
שבת שלום ומבורך!!
ps sorry for all the typos and the way it written I only have gye on my iPhone my computer filter ain’t let it( netfree) it’s hard for to type on it and I don’t know very well how to use it… for some reason when I type l.k. It’s all wired the setup but really who cares at least you get the point trying to bring out… if not please email me,thx

If you ever write all those titles again I'll stop talking to you! You just keep amazing me with your chizuk, I really appreciate your "Varime Verter"(being chassidish I'm sure you'd prefer to hear it that way:)). I understood everything perfectly, so no worries, and I must say, you probably know the concept of "der nei'i eidem in der mishpacha", who usually feels uncomfortable for a long time.......well, you guys took me right in like a brother! I can't thank you enough!

א ליכטיגע, הייליגע, דערהויבינע שבת!

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 23:41:

Yes i do have thoughts. The exact opposite of what you wrote!  Yes you! you are the perfect shliach from Hashem to help people struggling. Not despite your struggles. Because of your struggles. You get it. You can be non judgmental and love your bachurim even if they have struggles with porn. They can feel accepted by you. They can feel loved by you and want to confide in you.

Obviously this only works if you can first accept yourself, your struggles included. Because its impossible to accept another person with identical struggles if you cant accept yourself with the same struggle.