Hi,
I signed up to GYE around a year ago and had some ups and downs.
I have struggled with P&M for years been using it as a tool to cope with stress and anxiety and been using it as pain killers when emotional pain kicks in
for some reason in the past whenever I started a clean streak and everything looked rosy, life issues kicked in from business, family, kids to health, and the stronger I held on not to fall more issues came up, felt to me a bit like gd tells me he doesn’t need my ….. (I don’t question gd c”v and understand that everything has a reason I’m just writing how things felt and looked to me at the moment)
Since I signed up to GYE a year ago I have probably had one of my toughest years with just unrelated issues jumping up one after the other, just whatever I did with my best hishtadlus just went wrong and sour with unbearable pain and looses.
I started counting now On chol hamoed again and had a very tough day today, usually I would use P&M as pain killers, but what should I use now?
I don’t want to fall, so just coming out here to vent and get some accountability.

PS. let’s be realistic I’m thankful to gd and there is loads of good that he does to me, but sometimes the pain just blocks you from seeing the good. 
I’m just in pain and waiting to see the light and keep strong throughout the journey

Canistop
I wish I had words of wisdom to say to you but I joined GYE all of an hour ago (see my post right before yours). 
All I can say is that, you know and I know that 5 minutes after your nichshol you will hate yourself and not want to look at yourself in the mirror. The taivah is here right now but get up and try and fight it for a bit and by the morning it should go away. 
I know it's A LOT easier said then done, I've been there done that waaayyy too many times. 
As I said, no major words of wisdom but I saw you just posted and wanted to reply to you. I don't know you but I'm rooting for you. Hang in there for another 24 hrs. and I'll try and hang in as well.

I can testify the same. Whenever I take my life to the next level in avodat Hashem, the satan goes crazy. Recently made some big strides in several areas, and had multiple tests from Hashem back to back - sales stagnated, multiple vendors demanding payment at the same time, health issues with me and my baby, etc. 

but just remember that this is a test. Hashem doesn’t give us tests we cannot pass. 

sometimes the tests are excrucitingly difficult but after a while it passes. 

what I find helps loosen up a sticky situation is to do what rebbi Akiva did when he was shipwrecked - when a big wave came toward him, he would hold on tight to whatever little floatation item he had, and ducked his head under the wave. Don’t try to control it just let it wash over you and trust in Hashem to provide for you what you need. He put you in this world with all the tests and challenges you have. He is the one responsible for sustaining you. 

you can do it habibi

Rav Leuchter has amazing vaadim on bitachon on his site meihadaas.com. In a netshell (Hope I understood this right), the solid ground of bitachon, is avodas Hashem. What keeps us calm with everything is that we are here in this world to work. To grow. With whatever Hashem sends our way. Don't focus on trying to get somewhere. To be in some state of peace of mind etc. . The focus is to be לוחם מלחמת השם. Focus on the present and what's Hashem want from me NOW.

In other words, don't focus on waiting for the "light". The sipuk and fulfilment is the fighting the yetzer and dealing with the current nisyonos. 

Our fighting the yetzer is what gives Hashem nachas ruach and how we show our dedication to Him. That's all part of the geshmak!

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for the warm words
Holding tight for the meanwhile.
will skip the painkiller and hope for a better tomorrow iy"h

Have you considered talk therapy? You can find very affordable therapists that even do virtual appointments. It's something I have found quite helpful, just takes getting over the initial resistance of seeing a therapist but even just talking out your issues to a professional can take a lot of weight off. 

Bad things do not happen to good people.
And bad things don't happen to bad people either. Bad things simply don't "happen." 
The question of why bad things happen is not a new one -- it's as old as Judaism itself and is raised in many, many places.
"It is not in our hands -- neither the suffering of the righteous nor the comfort of the wicked," says Rabbi Yannai in Ethics of the Fathers, 4:15.

How can we possibly understand, in the context of a loving Father in Heaven, people dying young, parents losing children, disease, starvation, wars, gas chambers, and crematoria? It just doesn't seem to work.

But as difficult as it is emotionally,  I believe it to be quite simple intellectually. And I believe this is exactly what Rabbi Yannai meant when he said, "It is not in our hands." It's like a hot coal. You can see a hot coal from afar; you can understand what it is and why it is; but that does not mean you can pick it up. You can never hope to hold it in your bare hands and feel comfortable with it, only to observe it from a distance.

The same is true when it comes to suffering. If we are able to distance our emotions from the issue, we will be able to deal with it and understand it relatively easily. Like the hot coal, from afar, it can be observed and understood.

But we can never touch.

The Mishnah tells us that Abraham was tested with ten tests -- to show how much God loved him (Ethics of the Fathers, 5:3). At first glance this seems strange. Here's how you show you love someone? Firstly, you have him thrown into a furnace. Then, you tell him to pack his bags and move to a foreign country. When he obeys, you bring a famine to this country. And then, when he travels to find food, you have the ruler of the next place abduct his wife. He gets her back and returns to his ordained place of residence, only to find that his nephew has been kidnapped by four powerful kings. He manages to release him and is then commanded to kill his only son. Upon his return, having overcome the greatest challenge of his life, he finds that his wife has died and he is forced to pay an exorbitant sum for an inferior burial plot in a land that God has supposedly promised him as an inheritance. And all of this shows God's love for Abraham?!

Yes! This is precisely God's love. Because through these challenges, Abraham was able to come closer to God. He fulfilled his potential and became the great human being we know of, founder of the nation that has taught monotheism to most of the world. The pain was short-lived. The results were eternal. Abraham sits in his place in eternity, not in spite of his pain, but because of it. His pain is gone. His greatness remains forever.

All pain passes. If not in this world, then certainly in the next. A cut finger might take a few minutes, a headache an hour, a stomachache a day, a sprained ankle a week, a broken leg a month, and a broken heart may even take a lifetime. But no pain will carry through to the World of Truth. It is the decisions we make, the way we choose to face that challenge and overcome that pain, which will remain with us for eternity. These decisions, and these decisions alone, are the purpose of our years in this world.

30 days strong B"H
It's still a struggle, life without painkillers is tough.
P&M took me into a pain free bubble for the moment.
 Daily struggles has its ups and downs, but from my part I try to keep up to gds commands and eventually I will be able to see that there was and is only good.

Dear can I stop!
how u doing? How’s things working out? Didn’t hear from you in a while…
I basically want to know can you stop? I know you could just want to hear from you… maybe you’ll change your username to “I can stop!”  

Canistop wrote on 06 Nov 2022 23:33:

A powerful post. 

Pain leads people down weird roads. 

Hey Friends out here
Past 2 weeks have been crazy been tripping.
Gd tried me and I failed......
Went thru in the last 2 weeks more then a human could handle, money issue, business issues, lost money and time.... stress anxiety and issues that makes no sense and are unrelated, and then gd sent in some health issues in the family and it broke camels back
Fell hardly and just crying on the fall.
why all of these nisyonis so I need to get my pain killer
 out, every time I start working on myself all kinds of unrelated issues kick in, can't write to much for privacy but these are unrelated issues that make no sense for one pers to go through
why so harsh nisyonis that I cant keep up with.
Hashem על תביאני לא לידי נסיון because it becomes לידי בזיון
הקב"ה אנחנו אוהבים אותך ורוצים לעשות רצונך 
Just take away the yetzer
Starting day #1 again
Hashem please show me love and don't try me so harshly don't want pain so I will even need pain killers

Canistop wrote on 05 Dec 2022 06:51:

We all cry along with you, We feel your pain! How strong of you for starting from day 1 again! Keep it up! You can do it! חזק ואמץ!!

Very rough. But we all see you're committed to keeping on pushing forward which is amazing.

Perhaps this is opportunity to discover how to confront ones struggles instead of trying to escape. Easier

What's the message I'm being sent. Where can I grow. Speak to a Rebbe/close friend about what's going on. 

Rav luechter has great stuff on nisyonos hachaim which personally helped me pull through with a lot of tough things I've encountered over the years. Meihadaas.com . He's really amazing with how he guides in approaching challenges.

If you're interested I can look up the specific vaadim that discussed it. I don't remember offhand.

Besoros tovos on all ends

Canistop wrote on 05 Dec 2022 06:51:

You are so strong for pushing forward. Here's a long warm hug. 

You wrote that every time you start avoids Hashem god show you that he does not want you. I understand your frustration but you do not do it for god such as for yourself. you are the one who gains from guarding yourself when you fail you feel ugli about yourself and that make you should act out again and acting out is not a pain killer it`s the killer itself when you are holding yourself clean it`s the best pain killer you can give to yourself love you