What was the point of writing this?? I'll give you my humble insight: TO GIVE ALL OF US INCREDIBLE CHIZUK!!!
Wow my friend, you are UNREAL!! I think you tefillos this yom kippur will be extra super powerful!!
Please daven for our whole community!
Gmar chasima tova!

BH at 123 days but today I have been fighting the urges like back in the day. Haven’t had it this hard in a very long time. I just left the house, hopefully a change of scenery will help. 

Wow! Just read your thread from the beginning. I'm amazed at what you've accomplished! look at the past 123 clean days and take courage to fight these urges. You can do this. Its these tough moments that make us stronger.

Keep on fighting. Focus on the good. Please keep us posted.

BH doing good, after I wrote that post on Sunday I left the house and distracted myself with other stuff. Got a call from the one and only HHM and thankfully the rest of the day (and week so far) has been much better. 

How are you, my dear friend? I know I've said it so many times, but I repeat it anyway. I owe you so much! Keep trucking...and please let us know about it:)

This morning was day 160 (or 157, who’s counting?) 
however today has turned into day zero. 

Last Sunday, I struggled hard but didn’t end up falling. What I should have done is figure out what led up to that and try and counter it however I didn’t. The rest of the week was fine because I was busy, but today being tired and rainy weather I just gave in. I had no fight left in me. The only thing holding me back was how can I break my clean streak since before Yom Kippur? How can I break my streak right before Chanuka? Alas, it didn’t help. 

Oy 

we fall down we get back up 

need time for introspection and see what I can change 

I was about to go be nichshol again but caught myself and said what the h$&@ is wrong with you? It’s not going to be easier to stop after doing it “just once more”  it will just be harder so might as well fight it now. 

ok I’ll end my rambling, hopefully will keep on checking in with the oilam over the next few weeks 

And just to add something else that makes me feel terrible.
HaShem gave me so many chances. Without going into too many details, I tried to be nichshol, HaShem prevented it, tried again, prevented, I had to really work in order to fall. It’s like HaShem was right there saying I got you, I won’t let you fall in this momentary lapse of judgment and I just kept pulling my hand away and saying no! I’m determined to fall, no matter what. 

sad, pathetic, feel embarrassed to face HaShem by Mincha. 

Hey! Hi there, my friend and inspiration
I'm sorry for your pain. I really am. First of all, can you please tell me how many times you have fallen since last Chanukah? I believe the answer is twice, maybe three times. My friend, just over a year ago you wrote that you fell "in the last year more than ever before", if I remember correctly, is was about 50 times in the year. So please put on your dancing shoes and dance!!! You have made such major progress!!! Celebrate!
And about the Mincha, I'll tell you what I do when I do something wrong. I face the wall in a quite spot, and tell Hashem, "Hashem, I know I disappointed you. You were so kind, you tried to stop me, and I did all I could to fall. I am so sorry I did that. Hashem, you know how hard my YH is. You also know how hard I work to break free. I ask you, I beg you, please forgive me. I really will try to keep up what I've done till here, and not fall again. Please Hashem, accept my teshuvah, as You have promised you would. And help me stay close to You. I'm sorry I have done something wrong, and I seek your closeness, your forgiveness. Please Hashem, allow me to come close and Daven to You"

Thank you Eerie as always for your words of chizuk.
 You are correct, this is my 3rd time being nichshol since last Chanuka, will have to work on internalizing that thought  so I can light Chanuka neiros feeling holy instead of dirty as I do now. 

Do yourself a favor and celebrate the accomplishment - and say the tefilla we say by a siyum "Hashem, the same way you helped be mesayem this masechta of 600 days, please help me start and be mesayem many more."

yud909 wrote on 03 Dec 2023 19:49:

No matter how sad this is I find these lines very inspiring, Here's someone that has such a PROFOUND relationship with Hashem, realizes how he wanted to save him and is honest enough to admit that he is guilty for wanting to fall (so am I many times btw) and is ashamed of facing him by mincha!!!! I'd just skip that mincha or just rush it through. Reb yud, I hope that you realize that you have a special relationship with Hashem, ne which many of us desire and you should be grateful for this, and btw I'm sure you know that unlike we human's Hashem is a "forgiver" now all that's left is for you to forgive yourself, get back up on your feet, dust off, learn the lesson and keep on trucking!

Seems to need to be said a lot these days, but perhaps posting more often than once every 33 days would be more helpful to you. You know stay connected so that you’re already reaching out before you fall, where there is a chance that someone might have that right bit of chizuk to help you avoid the fall. We’re all here anyway after you fall, to pick you back up and get you back on the road again, but perhaps there is something to be said for allowing us to try and help keep you on the road to begin with instead of just being there to pick you up. It’s free advice so you know what it’s worth.

BH doing good 
still have thoughts creeping in here and there but overall very good. 

The recovery days this time wasn’t as hard as in previous falls, thank you HaShem for that.