Thank you all for the chizuk, it’s appreciated.

Day 1 

The struggle is real.

I knew the days after a fall would be hard, I forgot how hard. It’s almost as if I’m in the same place (in terms of constant thoughts popping into my head throughout the day) as I was 6 months ago. 

Day 2

#notGivingUp

yud909 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 13:35:


What can I say I love you yud.

Looking forward to following you as you get through this.

I've always thought that day 2 is the hardest. Day 1 is day 1, but on day 2 the pull is stronger and there is nothing really holding you back since it's not much of a streak.

I have a particular interest over here since I'm on a streak for pretty much the first time and I wonder what it will look like when (if) I fall.

Best of luck my friend.

BH today is day 7
It has definitely been harder the past week than it was the last several months when my clean streak was in the triple digits and I had less taivos creeping into my head. That being said, it has not been brutal and BH I’m doing good. 

I am missing the intensity of prayer to HaShem to save me from being nichshol. When I started my first clean streak that intensity was there for the first few months. I would’ve thought that would’ve naturally returned as I start my journey again yet it hasn’t. 

A full week is an amazing accomplishment.

One of the Rebbe said, on his deathbed, that he can now see that the days in which he davened with deep intensity and feeling were not the best days. The slogging-forward, grey and dreary days, without much inspiration, when he davened and learned - he now can see that those were the best days.

We have no idea of the force and power in a listless, half-hearted Tefilla asking for help in standing up against Nisayon. תפילה לעני
You keep going on. The whole world is standing, burning, soaring on your wings.....

Chazak !

yud909 wrote on 13 Jun 2023 11:11:

See Dov's recent post. He discusses something he has said many times (maybe regarding an addict, but can apply).

The teshuvah high can be part of the cycle of falling. We need highs. When we aren't getting it from acting out, we can get it from out amazing teshuvah and reconnection to Hashem. Then it gets boring, we seek another high, and fall again...

Maybe it's better to lay the foundation of your new growth without that burst of exciting reconnection. It can be more real and won't be built upon something that can/will pass.

Food for thought.

I am petrified of getting to triple digits only to end up back at ground zero (though of course it really isn't, and I am not sure it is even keday to officially break the count if it will diminish resolve; it's just one slip, move on- I think that's what I would tell myself, don't get so hooked on the heilege streak).

To add to what the others have said, the highs are nice but they are mainly inspiration for when the going gets tough; they are not at all indefinite. To the contrary, the real work happens when we have our feet on the ground וראשנו מגיע השמימה... Getting addicted to highs is not limited to drugs or porn; it can be spiritual highs, as well. We cannot build on clouds, only on firm ground (hence my resistance to romanticizing here). I am into this topic and would be glad to discuss it further.

chaimoigen wrote on 13 Jun 2023 12:02:

This really resonates
 the hardest days are potentially the ones with the greatest growth

 cruisin’ ain’t growin’ s as cords would probably say

Day 10
Feeling down about something at work and a bit stressed out as well, in my former life, today would’ve been a typical day to act out and come in to Shabbos feeling dirty. B”H I’m not pursuing that path. Still feel down about work etc. but at least I’m not being nichshol because of it. 
have a great Shabbos everyone 

I’m getting Chizuk from you , my friend. Hope that your Shabbos was ok.
Knowing you’re keeping on moving forward even though you’re pushing against the wind, even when feeling down is an inspiration   Chazak Viamatz!

Day 18 

Day 0 

I feel terrible, was hoping that fall 18 days ago was a one time thing, apparently it wasn’t. 

I need to get back into it. This is hard. 

yud909 wrote on 25 Jun 2023 17:54:

Falling is very painful. Let's review a few things:
1- You had 18 clean days. Think about it. Celebrate it. 
2- You ARE back into it. The fact that you are not running away and you posted about your fall shows that you really care and you're back in the game!
3- Don't let a fall become part of your self image. You're a great warrior in this tough battle. You might have lost a battle but you're still on the way to win the war!

DavidT wrote on 25 Jun 2023 18:01:

All true and thank you for the chizuk. I am a great warrior but it's a tough battle and while I know I don't want to give up and surrender, at this very moment I have limited cheshek to fight. Iy"H I will get the cheshek back, just sharing my feelings at the moment. 

I feel you. Here's a hug, from a fellow-sufferer.
Focus on just getting through the day. 
The Cheishik will return. Don't think on anything beyond today, for today. You can do it.