My story: (I will try to keep it brief, but its really so long) warning adult content and I hope its not a trigger as its not my intent.

Grew up in a loving but dysfunctional home. . My family was socially off (On the spectrum I'd say) I was the "with it" and normal  one but still a misfit always. Got married to very "on the ball" popular and sweet family. (polar opposite). My wife is an amazing wife, great mother. BH my children are all blessed with health and are well liked, very cute children. 

I have been struggling with this for 25 years and I am a middle class professional charedi age 42. I can't fall asleep without being motzai zera and dreaming. But I have no taiva for hookers. I have been searching online for an affair for a few years. i have meet multiple females for coffee in pursuit of this but never actually had an affair (although kissing even on the cheek is assur) My lust is for a real affair where someone wants me and desires me. I want to feel cool since I am a nerd and grew up not accepted. I think BH a few things have saved me. Firstly, being frum/ religious and not fitting into the secular society with its pop culture.  Secondly, I am just not good looking (but I obviously only want someone else who is good looking.) And of course growing up frum still makes me unfamiliar with the nuances of how one fully engages in this kind of relationship.
Fast forward to about 4 months ago, a frum woman who I attempted to connect with in the past, reached out to me. But it was for kind of a twisted weird thing. She is already having an affair with someone. She just wanted a second  guy, purely to shmuz with and never meet up essentially for the emotional support that she needed from someone outside her affair. She found that in me because I am sweet, a good listener and kind. Despite the stereotype  and my tavious , I try not to objectify and always respect women. Suffice it to say she shared alot of intimate details about her current affair. I'll just say she is beyond beautiful and her affair is straight out of the movies, picture perfect. And for a guy like me who dreamed about this for 25 years this is the ultimate dream. Of course this is a huge trigger laden with jealousy, that sent me searching even more voraciously. Honestly, I do realize its something I can never obtain even if I tried as I am not cool enough etc. I realize even if I'd find someone half as good, it would just trigger  to even more jealousy and lust. The whole saga especially with her makes me so depressed and mad jealous at times. (she also plays me at times in a way using me and can ghosting me for days, only reaching out to me when she needs my support.)

She also did cry to me saying that she only did this because she caught her husband in shmutz. I am intentionally leaving out details for privacy but suffice it to say she is so pained and so wounded from it. It caused so many issues. her life has changed forever and this affair of hers is an outlet/escape that brings her no joy in the long term. She tells me not to do this all the time .She tells me every guy she has spoken to who engaged in this lifestyle including her guy, has children who are following their dads ways as teens. Children read into it.) She herself broke up once for 3 weeks but went back stronger after that. She broke up now too, but still chats with him and we all know what will happen after YT. The guy is completely broken and suicidal without her every time they break up. Is it worth the fun he had?

This last incident has really taught me alot. It gave me a first hand glance of the pain and triggers my wife would feel and probably does sense now without even knowing. It has also taught me that when these things end (and they always do end)you'll be more miserable than when you started. (That's assuming it ends not because you caught got but rather like their "breakup" currently bec of your moral conscience. if you get caught and divorced, I shutter that thought)  You may lose your job and family just from that. On the other hand, it also triggers such jealousy and such depression. I can't understand why I am chasing something that's so unattainable and will only cause heart aches and endless pain when its over. But I am still chasing this and sooooooooo jealous. its terrible and I have no will power to stop. How do i stop with no will power? Is there an option to gain courage and will power? Or does this only work once I am at rock bottom but if not there yet, I just need to sit back and let my life fall apart?

P.S. Sorry for the long post but I need to let it out. Also one more thing I filled out some survey on GYE. I fit most of the profile, till they get to, are you an active member in society, shul etc. Are you happy day to day with life are you lonley etc. The answer is yes I am fairly popular and accepted and yes aside for the constant endless rejection by potential affair partners that make me mad jealous, I am happy with life. So I am not the stereotype depressed lonely guy

Welcome! Much Hatzlacha! The problem of chasing Connection is a pretty common theme around here from what I see on the forum. Not being married myself, I can only paraphrase what others have written, that the drive for connection through porn and forbidden sex is helped by gaining prespective and understanding of what real, healthy  connection is. And that after that work is done, the connection with one's wife will be enhanced to the point that "sex is an option, not a need". Please see this article from Dov for a thought provoking ( If Somewhat blunt)prespective. guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/not-happy-with-my-wife-s-appearance?category_id=283
This may also be helpful: guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/the-difference-between-lust-love?category_id=283
For a talk about "Hitting bottom while still on top", please check out this audio from the GYE library. guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/What's%20'hitting%20bottom'.mp3
Kesivah V'chasimah Tovah!

First of all, besides for all your your pain and longing I see, I also hear a lot of despair, helplessness and hopelessness.

For example, "this will never end" "I will never have the power to stop" "I will never look nice" "I will never be normal" "no-one will ever be able to help me" "I will always be rejected" "I suck at life" 'life will never get better" Wow that has got to be really tough to live with all those feelings inside of you.

Thank you for sharing your story and insight!

Maybe Starting with those feelings IE-(a therapist ) would be a good place to start. We can always be headed in the upwards/growth direction. 

I believe- tell me if you agree- that there's no point in trying to work on anything from a point of despair and hopelessness and helplessness. I don't think there's a point. It'll just be 2 steps backwards for every step forward. Maybe its time to go head on against your despair? 

Thanks does GYE offer anonymous therapy ? I went to one but was too embarrassed to discuss this in person. I just couldn’t. I tried dancing around the issue but to no avail 

There are some great people here that can talk to you on the phone, for starters... Anonymously...

Dear Issac 18,

Firstly, welcome to our incredible community,

You have a very bright future ahead, if you hold on here tight and make this your focus. One day you can be the one helping others in situations like you're own. It's not your fault at al, so forget about the past, but the future is in your hands.

Your normal, and many normal people have been caught up in situations like yours. 

Your first post is brilliant and should be posted on Gye's articles to frighten people from going down that path of hell in this world.

Please please don't just suffice with this forum, pick up the phone and speak to the many professionals around here. It's a must in your situation. have you tried HHM?

Looking forward to watching your progress. STAY STRONG

Love,
Excellence