iLoveHashem247 wrote on 18 Nov 2022 03:56:

I would pm this to you…but I’m locked out of my pm for a good reason ( I think you know why ) 
I think it’s a awesome idea! Did you ask Hhm to do it??????

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 18 Nov 2022 03:56:

Keep up the good work and positive vibes. Success is self-propelling and contagious! Proud of you. Lots of progress in these posts. One of the most powerful things for me on GYE is the amazing honesty of the guys. Good or bad, we’re sharing our truth and for me, it’s so helpful to know there are guys out there who “get it.”  Thanks for sharing. 

I want to tell you that I have been hesitant to post on the public forum on GYE and have yet to do so until today.

The reason I am breaking this fear of mine for your post is because it really made an impression on me. You are on a much higher level than you think. I have seen few people open up about as vulnerable and personal of a topic as you just have. The fact that you were brave enough to express all of this on a public forum, even anonymously, is nothing short of admirable. I already look up to your openness and honesty.

I know that with your willingness to improve, with Hashem's help, you will beat this!

pvibes wrote on 18 Nov 2022 04:39:

First of all welcome to the family! 
 Second: nice post! I’m so maskim to you- I love to read Iloveh247 s posts I get tons of chizuk from them! (In other words I love iloveh247 24/7.  )

 Third: looking forward seeing more post from you R’pvibes!

Was super depressed for various reasons. Mostly because I had a date planned with my wife and she shut it down for a stupid reason (“sensitivity” to someone else’s feelings) with zero communication. We ended up going out. It sucked. 

called hhm   Got validated that I’m a normal human being

i told him I have no energy to pray

he told me now you know how Hashem feels when we don’t communicate. 

got the message, went to pray in the woods behind my house 

feeling slightly less like garbage

going to sleep

b
l
a
h
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.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 22 Nov 2022 03:41:

Wow such power you have! That you were able to get yourself to go out and daven!! I’m sure your תפלות were answered! Lucky you… I’m sure you’ll wake up in a fantastic mood! You’ll feel like a new man bhy! 
guta nacht shluff geshmak!!

It’s so upsetting to get turned off by anybody especially by your own wife( because your so close and love each other so much that’s why it hurts su much more) like I would fall the must after my wife turned me off for some stupid reason… it’s amazing to watch you act how you controlled yourself and keep doing so .. keep up the inspiration!!
I wish you can call me now just to shmuz … like I’m in a pretty good mood. Some times when your down it’s good to just shmuz with a good friend. Like I wish there can be such a program that people can get to speak to others just to cheer them up when there down… sometimes just hearing one good joke from a friend can snap you out of your mood… if you got such a friend maybe give him a call and ask him for a good joke! He might think your crazy but who cares.  

like they say in my language- hak a laben!!
( need translation? Pm me )

Feeling much better. I reviewed rabbi Shlomo wolboe’s chapter of ימי ‏שנאה ויעוש in the Seder alei shur. That helped me snap out of the depression a bit - discussed the cycle of ups and downs in life as well as recognizing one's mission in life and that within our greatest challenges lay our greatest potential and our life mission. 

by the way last night I sat down in the bed next to my wife to let her talk and pour out her feelings instead of going to learn. I absolutely believe I made the right choice because she was bottling in a lot of pain. Later that night I gave her a back rub and chills and went to sleep. She woke me up shortly after and I was forced to act in a very unselfish way which was very beneficial for all involved. 

so following HHM advice and giving without strings attached was a very positive experience 


also have been trying to focus on judging my wife favorably, because….

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 23 Nov 2022 22:09:

I love everything about this post. Every word. Everything you did for your wife and the awesome news at the end. I have a huge smile now!!!!

Unbelievable! 

Can tell you're a chasuva guy with an elevated neshama. Keep on shteiging and inspiring everyone here!

Hey chevreh, approaching day 70 (!!!)

Lots of emotional ups and downs, although I can testify that this has been a life changing experience so far, and one of the better life choices I've made. 

I've developed closer bonds with my loved ones, and have come clean (literally) to my rav. I've acquired a very special mentor/rebbe/friend in HHM, who has been indispensable throughout this journey, and may Hashem continue to bless him with a long and healthy life! I actually am starting to love my wife - not just "like" her and live peacefully with her as my "roommate with benefits." 

If there's one thing I know I'm good at, it's lowering my ego and changing my attitude and behavior when faced with the truth, but until I started on my current path of recovery I did not realize just how humbling it is to truly face the bare-bones אמת. Acquiring humility is a painful process that requires a person to be honest with themselves in their assessment of the strengths and weaknesses within them. 

This week I ventured into an eatery in which a non jewish woman found my contact info last year and proceeded to chase after me, and I had a partial fall. I went in there this past week to say hello to a Jewish man I know who I saw through the window - halfway through our conversation, I saw her staring at me and trying to catch my eye, and I ignored her. Not planning on going back in there again, but this was a big win for me.

I also recognize that my "erev shabbat" lechaims had spilled over into shabbat day and I was starting to lose control of proper behavior, so I'm taking a break from the bottle for the time being. 

All in all, it's been amazing so far, and I am filled with gratitude for the chevreh on GYE - thanks to your encouragement, I am starting to veer away from sexualizing my painful feelings (shoutout to HHM). I've come quite far in recovery from technology addiction as well. Now when I am somehow bored and find myself unoccupied for a while I can actually sit and think, or read a book, or look outside even spend time talk with and litening to my kids (what an interesting concept) - I do not go crazy anymore just because most of the internet is blocked (rightfully so) on my devices. 

It is normal to feel feelings. Without the downs there are no ups. 

And it's ok to be kind to yourself. If you're reading this, do me a favor (as a stranger / friend) and do what a good friend of mine once told me to do - look in the mirror, deep into your eyes, and tell yourself over and over again that you are a good person who deserves to be happy!!!

 

the things you describe take super human strength.  It is amazing to look back and see that even in a situation that you describe as a non kosher experience, you were able to stop and say no. Very much like Yosef Hatzadik!

It is beautiful to read about your continued growth and awareness.

Thanks for posting and keep inspiring us.

vehkam  

Ty for the kind words - but I did fall in that situation, but did not succumb fully.

I did very painful Teshuva on it, but as the Rambam explains full Teshuva must be in the same situation in the same place with the same woman - so I believe I finished my Teshuva  this week when I didn’t allow that situation to even start.

regardless it did take a lot of strength, and recognizing my strengths while not holding myself above others is a big factor in success. My mother always taught me that this is the definition of humility and that, along with never giving up, is the recipe for success.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 28 Nov 2022 00:23:

Good quote. I'm going to start using it with my clients*. 


*(lol i don't have clients)

Quick thought - I run a project based business and have found myself at times calculating cash flow and profits from jobs that are still in the preliminary stage and potential customer has not yet  committed . 

 when a deal would not go through I would get disappointed and feel like I lost that money

i read something nice in Torah Wellspring by Rav Biderman on the parasha where he says the story of a fool who is crying over $10 million that he lost with one word. When he was asked what that word is, he said that he went to the bank and ask the teller to give him $10 million,  and when the teller told him “no” (the one word), he felt like he lost $10 million.

The lesson here is that you shouldn’t think that something belongs to you if it is not yours yet, and if you don’t get it, don’t think that you lost it…. because it was never meant for you to begin with! I internalized that lesson this morning, and accepted that what the Big Boss gives me is mine, and what He doesn’t is not mine.

After a bit of a dry spell in sales and running after customers for a while, I received several large orders this afternoon. I just want to emphasize that I spent my morning IN YESHIVA focused on my LEARNING (and did very well in Shiur as well!) and not thinking about the customers, and accepting the fact that what is coming my way will come in due time. In general, I try to be learning as much as I can even though sometimes I think I am crazy for doing that, but really that is what we are here for even when it is hard. If anybody is reading this and is on the fence, whether to spend an extra hour or two or three learning every day, do it! Make sure you go into it an extra few minutes a day at a time until you are fully into it. I’m sure most people here are better at learning than me, but what’s important is just to show up. That’s more than half the job already done!


hope this gives Chizuk!