Shavuah tov! 

Erev shabbat went really well - wife's anxiety attack was better this week than last, and we worked together to diffuse it faster (still was very hard!)

Had a lot of bachurim over shabbat and I was so tired - took a nap during seuda shlishit in shul for shalom bayit... but then didn't help clean up right when I got home. After havdalah, wife made it a point to communicate how she wishes me to help right away motzash - I listened and validated and she noted it gratefully about an hour after. 

According to GYE this is day 45 of not going to a massage parlor... Started to realize that the escapism of massage parlors and smoking pot stem from the same place. Starting to feel a big change in my brain, but also started to feel an underlying niggling feeling that I can't really identify - is it the pull getting stronger again? How do I fight that yetzer? I started filling my days to the brim with learning, exercise, davening, working, etc... feeling a little overwhelmed - is this a yetzer to overcome too? Needs further thought. 

I asked my rav if it is irresponsible for me to be learning until 1pm every day - he told me if I am able to make it work with my hishtadlut for parnassa (which it can - i work mostly over email/text/phone calls and see clients by appointments). He told me that if I am able to do it, and I already started to do it, then I should continue doing it because that's what we are in this world for and that is what's important. I was actually surprised that he said that right away because he is a very rational rav and was expecting him to ask me more questions about it but he encouraged me right away. 

those are my feelings for now - really tired just wanted to get the thoughts out

goodnight zz...z.z...z...z....

Amazing!

Don't mean to be nitpicky here, but just relating to this from my own experiences. Filled to the brim includes chilled time with wife and designated time to take care of those things our wives keep on nagging us about but we never get done?

I've really been working on that overover past months and have seen my wife a lot more calm and happy. Included in that is I had to cut out some of my time from learning but was worth i. As a serious talmid chacham who has an amazing shalom bayis told me, Hashem pays you back in the learning when you make sure to be there for your wife. 

Could always ask her directly how she feels about your schedule and anything that she'd like to see different. 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 06 Nov 2022 01:06:

It’s really inspiring to read along this journey of growth.You came here with serious challenges and in front of our eyes you are tackling them with serious planning and hard work.
You should have tremendous Hatzlacha.

Thanks for the chizzuk everyone... 

Slipped in shmirat einayim today. I went to a family event in Brooklyn today and my wife was anxious all day long re travel etc. 

I left davening early to avoid an at-home anxiety attack from her, and drive there went pretty well even though she was pretty tense. We made a few stops at her relatives on the way back and I had a few customer appointments that I'd already booked in advance (and some repeat customers wanted to see me early in the afternoon). Wife got upset that I was pressuring to go back home, and that "I didn't communicate my plans" even though our stops after the family event were surprises to me. Got the cold shoulder the rest of the day and the only hint I got of what's bothering her is that she was upset by "what I said" - when asking what did I say, no clues were forthcoming, just got lots of snotty responses and she didn't even look at me the whole way home. 

suffice it to say that I was feeling annoyed!

The Slip
The streets of Brooklyn are filled with all kinds of people and I almost bedavka looked at "the sights" along the way. What's so dumb about it is that the only person I was punishing is myself. HHM mentioned to me in the past that "don't sexualize your frustrations" - I neglected to fight the fight this afternoon and didn't guard my eyes on the way home. Thank G-d I have filters on my devices....... 

and thank you Hashem for allowing me to find GYE so I can VENT my thoughts out arghhhhhhh

checking in - life was hectic but pretty stable today. Trusting Hashem to help me with everything and the wheel is turning, BH on my way up from my bout of Mochin Dekatnut (depression and small mindedness).

Took active steps to refresh my business' advertising yesterday, and kicked in an old successful ad until new ones are ready. Getting things moving. 

 

There's an incident I want to write about but it is pretty bad (like, bad bad).

idk what to do about it

i have since stopped obsessing over what happened, but also have never really delved deep into how I feel about it. 

What to do?

Guess I'll bite the bullet and gather the courage to call HHM tomorrow about it.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 10 Nov 2022 03:56:

It seems from all I’ve read that having HHM available is an amazing thing. You are very lucky to have that connection. 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 10 Nov 2022 04:01:

Maskim!! Hope H’ gives him siyatah deshmayah to help and be mechazik you…. Your such good guy fighting away I can’t wait to see a positive post tomorrow that you got a good strategy how to move on bhy!

A Win & A Lesson

Today was a very stressful day - family and work related stuff as well as community affairs stuff. BH I flowed with the pressure and came out on top. last few days have been really hard - I think I graduated from the "infatuation stage" of recovery, and now need to work hard on self motivating and consistently winning. Shmirat einayim has been a struggle on the street past few days as well. Caught myself slipping more than once, and I know that it's a very slippery slope. 

The Lesson:
Had a phone call with HHM and the consensus was that I shouldn't dig up skeletons from the closet and dwell/obsess over the incident and subsequent desires, especially as it was a few years past. Move on, and focus on my "Shlom Bayit Project." He also said that if it was shayach to mention to the parents that their daughter was innocently behaving in a way that was not so appropriate, to do so. I don't think I will mention it to them because: 
1. I am terrified that she will talk about what happened and it will come out that I acted like a pedophile - although I wouldn't quite call myself that. I am not sexually attracted to little kids and do not want to be with a child c"v. An unfortunate and confusing thing happened, but I've moved on & don't intend to ever attempt be in such a situation again.
2. Since this incident, her parents have taught her to be shomer negiah and she's pretty good at adhering to that. So I don;t know what my comments would necessarily add, although I'm open to opinions on this as I am quite biased and would be very embarrassed to have this talk with her parents (who i am very close with)

The Win: 
I stayed very late at work today and left during rush hour - I'm usually am on my way home 3:30 the latest. I put on navigation to see which way is fastest, and it took me through a residential area and toward a different highway than usual. I realized that I was passing directly by the shop I used to buy weed from. I called HHM and he advised me to still drive by without another detour and look at it and be verbally disgusted by it. I did that and also passed by the park nearby where I used to roll up and smoke joints after work while strolling on the boardwalk. the memories bubbled up, and i let the bubbles pop and their contents float away into the night sky. 

Another thing HHM told me re. more powerful and dangerous addiction

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 11 Nov 2022 01:10:

The real hard work you put into getting better and better is a real inspiration. Thanks!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 11 Nov 2022 01:10:

Here's someone putting in the work and make a real difference in his life. Yasher Koach!

How have you been?
Looking forward to hearing from you

it's been a busy week! Some slips with looking at tushies while out and about but not beating myself up over that. 

Lots of wins - had a moment of clarity early in the week - I don't need to stress over something that I am not involved with at the moment - can deal with it later and focus on the now. My back almost instantly untensed. Went to the city for my weekly business trip with clarity and was in and out with the same calmness - didn't let the pressures faze me. 

Sat on the couch with y wife on Wednesday night and told her I think i am starting to feel like I love her. 

She is recognizing the hard work and seeing the changes. 

Working on a few interesting projects and not putting my hope in people - what ends up coming to fruition and work$ out well, ma tov u mah naim. and if it doesn't work...next! 

have been trying to not be on GYE too much because I realized it was becoming like a social media for me, so I will likely check in every few days and not every day... will try not to run to it motzei shabbat and only check sunday or monday. 

HHM made a comment to me tonight when I replied to him that my wife is much happier and calmer. He said that your wife is a reflection of the way you feel... and it's so true. It's been a transformative two months, and this is only the beginning. 

I hurt a muscle in my shoulder/back from a workout about two weeks ago - two months ago I would have run to the closest massage parlor and depraved myself in front of some sleazy women... Today it's just pop some advil and see if my friend the [male] nurse can help loosen it up, and maybe bring it up to the physical therapist I'm starting to see soon (got hurt in an accident - someone hit me with their car while i was biking a while back. That car accident was actually the wake up call that led me to filtering my work phone and getting onto GYE)

About to sign off to finish setting the shabbat table and candlesticks. Love you guys thanks for saving my life  

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 18 Nov 2022 03:16:

Love the calm confidence of this post. Made me smile from ear to ear. Have a great Shabbos! 

Thank you, TeshuvahGuy, that's really how it felt this week. Very observant of you! 

BTW I know this thread gets lots of views so just putting this out there - I am a huge fan of Rabbi Eli Portal's "Rolling With The Punches" podcast where he interviews people who have gone through adversity. Would LOVE to hear someone from GYE give an interview on how they overcame their lust addiction and became a healthy functioning and successful person in this aspect and how it affected their life before and after breaking free (Maybe HHM? Nudge, Nudge?). 

Just listened to his latest podcast of an anonymous interviewee who at 16 years old found out (kind of by mistake) that he was adopted as an infant. 

These interviews give so much chizuk to so many people, and it could be a big help for people who are struggling, and can also help a lot of people get onto GYE. 

Food for thought