Reposting with edits, hopefully not too triggering:
post 1 from a week or two ago:
Warning: Spoiler!I joined Ray of Hope's zoom lecture featuring Rabbi YY Jacobson tonight for the male members of the group (a support group for people who have been abused).
I was uplifted but also very confused.
I was victimized, but I also victimized others when I was in the depths of darkness within my substance addiction.
I was used by my tutor throughout my early teenage years (over two years, I think). I know things happened but there is nothingness when I try to remember - not black, not white, just... nothing. There are brief flashes of scenes, but no context surrounding the mental snapshot, or memory of what happened.
I am confused because I was the abused but also - very briefly, in certain regard, and many years later - the perpetrator. what does that say about me?
[How] can I justify my actions? [How] can I make amends? What actually happened to me? This tutor was not the only woman I have "blank memories" with. What else happened - and with whom?
I am very confused.
post two originally written last night:
Warning: Spoiler! so I was reading "Out of The Shadow" by Patrick Cairnes over YC
a few realizations:
1. There is a definite "before" and "after" type of masturbation in my life. The innocent explorations of a boy vs the compulsive masturbation of an addict. the changeover was in my early teens.
2. My tutor "Michal" was not my only molester. I realized that around 12-13 years old, a family came over for a shabbat meal, and their daughter "Maya" (who was around my age) had coerced me touch her inappropriately. I did not initiate, rather it was forced upon me. In hindsight, this was not a "coming of age" story. I was molested, raped really - I was aware of the sexual physical touching but was not asked to give, and did not supply my consent.
3. I have recollections of blackouts with both of these females, i.e. a mental snapshot of a scene, dark and foreboding emotions with a thick wall up blocking the actual emotions. No memory of context, how I ended up in the situation, what happened, or how and when I left.
4. My sexual acting out was often accompanied by and/or "enhanced" with the use of drugs and alcohol. When "Michal" was molesting me, we got high together a lot. I was exposed to alcohol around the time I was hanging out with "Maya" and her sister "Maya Junior."
5. Much of my sexual activity as a teenager was accompanied by drugs and alcohol, and my relationships fit the mold of compulsive sex addiction. For example, masturbating as many as 5 times per day, the way I interacted with "physical partners," multiple girlfriends at one time, without either knowing of her co-girlfriends.
6. The women I tended to gravitate to around the time I was being molested were either fellow sex addicts or emotionally weak and vulnerable, and I used them to satisfy my own addiction's needs.
7. My sexual compulsions often fit the mold of the predation that I was under - that is, I was taken advantage of when I was weaker and more vulnerable than the molester, and the molester had a power advantage over me. Even the types of pornography/literature I was pulled to was themed similar power themes. My brain could not handle what was done to me, and I must have tried to justify it and/or make sense of it by repeating upon others what was done to me again and again. I now realize that my molesters were (are) sick women, and that what they did (their MO) will never "make sense" to me because it was not done from a sane and mentally healthy place.
8. When I was in yeshiva in Israel, my compulsivity did not stop - I spent hours every week practicing "voyeurism."
Bottom line, my addiction was triggered through sexual trauma. Working through it will not take the addiction away - it is a lifelong disease, and I need to learn how to live with it - but my hope is that understanding how it got started will help me understand myself, my triggers, and my background better and will help me be more compassionate toward myself.
For the record (this is a personal journal, after all) some goals I want to reach with these realizations:
1. Get a better idea of what actually happened with my molesters, especially with "Michal."
2. Learn to forgive myself for my predation toward others in a weaker power position than myself, and figure out what amends will look like (not near step 9 though so this is a long term goal). This may include disclosure to them and paying for therapy, etc.
3. Continue learning how to cope with pain/trauma/discomfort in a healthy way.
4. Guide others who have gone through similar experiences.
5. Reach a place of forgiveness within myself toward myself for the harm I have done others with my sexual acting out, most especially those I engaged in predatory interactions with.
6. Let go of my fears that those I predated upon will pass on my generational trauma.
I tried to keep it ambiguous and non triggering, while still clarifying thoughts and feelings. Please let me know if you think I should make any further edits, thanks.
