I am going to my parents for the first half of Yom Tov, and plan on sitting with my mother to ask her what happened and to have a conversation about this molestation parsha....

scared of what might come up. 

The truth is hidden from me, and I suspect that this trauma is what kicked off my addiction(s). I've come to realize that addiction (at least for me), is my mind's way of not facing life - especially when it comes to traumatic topics. 

I'm in a headspace where I am ready to face my trauma and work through it... I have no idea what I am opening the door to but I do know that in order to heal, the best way forward is through. 

Please daven for me to have strength and clarity. 

Wow you really went through a lot.
here I was thinking I'd been through difficult circumstances, while there are people out there with stories like yours- cults, abuse...
Not that this is comforting to you in any measure- but you should know that I get chizuk from hearing how others have managed to bridge a crevasse of seemingly unsurmountable circumstances-seemingly much larger than mine.
If you could do it, i certainly should be able to as well.
continued Hatzlocha in the battles, and may we win the war.
Gmar Chasima Tova

reflecting back on the past two years, i am glad to recognize that i do not hate myself any more
I am a good person
great husband
loving father
humble son
kind friend
honest seller
respectful buyer
I have other parts of me too, but I best not forget those parts of me that are lovely

Reposting with edits, hopefully not too triggering: 

post 1 from a week or two ago: 
post two originally written last night:
I tried to keep it ambiguous and non triggering, while still clarifying thoughts and feelings. Please let me know if you think I should make any further edits, thanks. 

My father has been helping me to pay for therapy. I asked him to send a payment today, and he asked me to "please try and resolve the issue by the end of this year." 
LOL!
If only he knew...

I wanted to say back, "try to talk to your teenage kids about sex and puberty and healthy boundaries, instead of handing them a book and walking away" but that wouldn't have done good for anyone.

He has no clue!

The only person I can fix is me. 

Every [sponsored] dollar that goes toward therapy is a free gift

Thank you Hashem for the opportunity to grow through action and also through inaction. 

Had a conversation with my parents over YT about the molestation. 
My bottom line understanding is that the perpetrator seems to have, indeed, acted out with me. Also, her family covered up what happenned, and my parents didn't probe deeper. Sweeping under the rug and denial. 

Sounds pretty Jewish....

Also just want to surrender that the niece that stayed by me over the summer is here with her mother and sisters. 
They invited themselves over last minute, and got to my house before I did after being away for YT. 

Lust hitting pretty hard right now. Fighting the fantasy, but the way to win this is by surrendering and just letting go. 

I am not seeing her naked and I cannot have sex with her. 

Not even a chance. 

Not even an option. 

I will be at the recovery Shabbaton this weekend.
IS anyone reading this going to be there? 
would love to meet some GYE brothers.

had a great time at the Shabbaton
I had a personal breakthrough in the meditation room, and forgave myself for the harm I've done with my alcohol+lust-drunk interactions with a young woman related to me by marriage. I also became willing to disclose that interaction in my upcoming disclosure (although I am working with my therapist to word it in a way that will retain the victim's anonymity). It was eye opening to listen to spouses in keynote speeches and in couples' meetings and gain perspective of the coaddict's journey. It gave my wife hope too that my ups and downs do not have to be her ups and downs. There are many women who shared how when they no longer took responsibility for their husbands' lust addictions and behaviors, the husbands had to face the reality that they need to recover on their own and can't blame the wife. I needed to hear that...

Very grateful that our baby came along for the weekend. Was very overwhelmed at times and playing with the baby was a great distraction / relaxation method.