it is amazing how the YH does not rest even for a moment and fights so hard when i try to increase my kedusha

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my mentor suggested that i get an accountability software installed on my laptop. i opened an account, paid for a year upfront, and then when i needed to activate it i realized that i did not remember the password and did not have it saved. 

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i contacted them to get a refund for the  first year and am setting it up again BH under my personal email

i am not sure if i shared this before but about 4 years ago my wife found a stash of erotic stories and printed out screenshots of inappropriate images. she was very hurt and we discussed this challenge. over the years i opened up to her more and more, very slowly, and she has been a big supporter for me in this area. the past month has had a large amount of big moves on my part to proactively take steps to fortify and guard myself though and she has been an inegral part of that growth.

here's something exciting, and it has nothing to do with what you think!

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This week marked the first week where i am learning until 1pm then starting some work. Previous zmanim I learned until 10, then 11, then 12, and now I decided to go all in. This comes after being closed for yom tov, during which I started to run my new ad campaigns. It's been a few weeks since any significant sales, and yesterday i wrote a few big checks to clear off all open due debts and had to use much of my reserves in order to be debt free. The past week, almost all my vendors called me up asking for money and am practically out of $$$ but I know that in my business big expenses go hand in hand with big sales and profits. All we need is one or two nice sales (or a handful of average ones) in order to have everything we need for a while. I told my wife that even if I need to use up all of our funds and live off credit for a while, I am going to stick to my new learning schedule, and she completely agreed. BH there are a few leads on the horizon, and I am confident in Hashem that we will be just fine. 

I don't want to be remembered as a businessman or a savvy investor. That's meaningless. Torah, Chesed, consistent tefilah, teaching my kids Torah, helping people who are stuck... that's meaningful. That matters. That makes a difference. I grew up around enough money to know that some of the most miserable and empty people in the world are those who are so poor that all they have is money. It's a powerful tool, but just like any other kind of power, when abused or even when not funneled into the best of channels it can destroy one's life and the lives of those around him. I know that Hashem will take care of me. Why would I lose out because I am giving up on work in order to learn Torah? Does Hashem need me to sit in the office to send me money? For the first time in a long while, I don't feel like it is dangerous for me to walk around with a wad of cash in my pocket, lest I spent it all on weed and for the abominable honor of having an exhibitionist experience of a miserable masseuse prostitute giving me a halfhearted massage. Like a wise man made me realize - does it really matter whether or not there was a "happy ending" at the massage parlor? It's essentially cheating my wife's trust in me just the same. 

So stress point #1 - no mo' money in my pocket
My response? Use the middah of turning my brain off (used so often in preparation for sin) to shift my focus from what I don't have right now, and bitchon to rely on Hashem and trust Him to continue to provide as He has done for me in the past. 

The night before zman started, I went to speak with the rosh yeshiva and confirm that I can join his class. I got a big fat NO from him, and he told me to stick to bekiut and just cover ground without delving too deep. I explained to him that if I do not do it now, when will I ever be able to learn on a deeper level? Who will learn with me until 1? I need to learn Torah! He wasn't having it. 

So what did I do? I asked my mentor for advice, and he told me "just show up and see what happens," so I did. I learned with the boy with whom I was supposed to learn with originally and when the rosh yeshiva saw us learning, he reluctantly let me join with him and his chavruta from the last zman. When chavruta learning ended and I got up to leave (since I got denied the night before from joining shiur), the rosh yeshiva walks by me and says "nu, are you coming to shiur?" I [obviously] jumped for joy and ran to the shiur room like a little kid who just heard of a secret stash of hefker candy....

The next day I was told that the rosh yeshiva doesn't want me joining an existing chavrua, so I was paired up with the only boy who remained chavruta-less, and who also happened to be the least motivated boy in yeshiva. I, who had sacrificed so much to be there, had to keep waking up this bochur and trying to convince him to learn with me... but I didn't give up and kept coming to yeshiva. Just found out that another top bochur who was out of the country is coming back to yeshiva and I am doing my very best to be matched up with him instead.... but I'm not letting the setbacks pull me down. Winners don't quit, and there's a reason not everyone comes out on top. I'm exercising my faith in Hashem and flexing my resilience muscles - I know that what I am doing is enhancing my life, and I will do whatever it takes to stay here and thrive.

Stress point #2 - no chavruta / bad chavruta
My response? Just keep showing up and B"H have faith in the Big Boss to provide me with the strength to continue and to thrive and to find a great chavruta. Plus lots of tefillot for the same. 

Motzei shabbat used to be a time to indulge. In what you may ask? Well, in whatever I could of course! Desserts, news, memes, sometimes even live cams, sex with wife if I could get it, etc. This past week was also my first one back in the office with all the challenges involved. Driving back to the office after about 3-4 weeks of being away, I felt the inner pull to do all the bad things as I was driving down the freeway. It didn't even make sense! Why would I want to go get high and have some gross lady touch me all over when my shalom bayit was probably at the best place it has been ever in my marriage? I understood that my brain is still wired the old way and each time I resist, the wiring will change to something more mentch-like (btw the brain has this amazing ability to reconfigure it's pathways in what's referred to as "neuro-plasticity"; Charlie Harary writes about it in his book "Unlocking Greatness."). So what did I do? I called my mentor, Hashem Help Me!. He talked me down and helped me to be mindful, present, and aware of the reality of my situation. He saved me from my old self.

This week also marked a big milestone in intimacy - in the past, if I wanted to be with my wife in the morning, she would usually acquiesce, however begrudgingly, and would then suffer from pretty bad sciatica pain in her leg throughout the rest of the day. Recently, we both woke up with an appetite for one another; when I shared how I was feeling, she said that she felt the same. We then made it quick, and when I asked her later, quite concernedly, if she was in any pain, she told me that surprisingly, no - not really, just a little stiffness in her leg. It must be then that the case here is similar to the suggestion made to me over the phone by Yoina Mutzhoo, that this might be an issue that is partly psychological, not just physical and nerve related. 

In regards to other addictions, the drugs have been off the table for a while, ever since a milestone moment in the beginning of this summer

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to cut a very long story short, I was out boating somewhere scenic with a friend and after swimming in the lake for a while we swam up to the shore to rest on some rocks. While we were drying off, I was playing with some strands of long grass, when all of a sudden a butterfly flew out of the grass and literally started attacking me. Imagine, a butterfly attacking you. It was actually much more aggressive then you might imagine. It kept trying to smash into my face like a bat from hell! I was so confused and no matter how hard I tried swatting it away, it did not go away! I went back in the water and when I came back up, it continued to attack. It was relentless! I finaIly thought to myself that maybe this is some gilgul I need to deal with or a malach that Hashem sent to share a message with me. I yelled at the buttefly "I forgive you! I forgive you! Machul, Machul, Machul!" and lo and behond, it fluttered away like a calm paper in the wind. Flabbergasted, I went back to where my buddy was rolling on the floor laughing at what just happened, and wouldn't you guess what I found - a half smoked joint - and the Yetzer Hara was nudging me to "take it, take it, take it!" I quickly realized that it was totally gross and not at all what I really wanted (especially after having come out of a two month binge and resolutely deciding that I was done with this garbage for life). I ignored it with disdain. Then, just like when a person says no to the filthy prostitute and is then tested with a beautiful coworker/classmate/eshet ish, etc., I then turned to the other side and found a fat, airtight sealed bag of some of the most (excuse the street language) "dank herbs" I had ever laid my eyes and nose on. There must have been at least an ounce of freshly cured weed in there, with crystalline glittering sticky trichomes, purple and orange hairs, and the thickest fattest buds I had ever laid my eyes on. It was literally the most perfect bag of drugs I had ever laid my eyes on. If this was compared to an etrog in terms of quality and perfection, that etrog would sell for $15,000 without a blink of an eye. So I did what I had to do. I got a good look at what I was holding, took a deep deep sniff of it, and then

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dumped the entire bag in the lake while saying "NO WAY! NOT THIS TIME! NEVER AGAIN!" to my dear old Yetzer Hara.

. But food, oh glorious food! I'm not a large man by any means. I mean, I must have gained 15-20 lbs since I got married, but I have not allowed myself to grow significantly beyond my waistband. This summer, I stop doing drugs. It is also the first summer in years during which I gained weight (instead of shedding my winter pounds). I attribute that mostly to late night snacking while reading news and looking at memes to give me that dopamine hit I used to get by smoking weed. Thankfully, with my wife's help, and with some more clarity of mind, I've been working on reversing that trend by being more mindful of what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat. 

Stress #3 - addictions
My response? Speak to my mentor, and lean on my support system! 

This leads me to one very important point - having a mentor with experience in the subject with which you are struggling, who is available, willing and able to help you overcome your struggle. My mentor is the one and only Hashem Help Me!, who must have davened so hard for Hashem to help him that it spilled over from his life into the lives of many, many other people. I (and my wife) are lucky to be counted among those people. 

Here's how it happened: 
Like a tremendous amount of other GYE members, I reached a point in my life where I was approaching rock bottom (maybe I'd already crashed at the bottom and was bouncing back up?), and Hashem guided me one way or another to GYE. I shared my story, and got quite of few public and private messages urging me to speak with Hashem Help Me. I kind of ignored them until HHM himself private messaged me saying that he saw mention that we should talk, and gave instructions on how to reach out to him if I wanted to. I bit the bullet and used the middah of turning my brain off and I called... We had a series of phone calls where I painfully recounted my deepest darkest secrets, and for the first time in my life made a genuine, honest viduy out loud. I felt such tremendous regret for the things I had done, especially so about the one incident I wrote about with the shiksa who enticed me to misbehave. HHM helped guide my thoughts and feelings, and encouraged me not to get stuck or to wallow in my misery. He picked me back up and helped me put myself back together again. He spoke words to me that had never been spoken to me before - he spoke to me about the hashkafa of intimacy, the view of one's wife in relation to one's struggles with desire, and how to become a genuinely caring, loving, and empathetic husband in general. He saved my life. He changed my wife's life for the better. He gave my kids their aba back! 

After a few weeks of talking, my wife and I actually went to meet him in person. We discussed the topics at hand in a sensitive manner. We referred to massage parlors by hints so that he and I understood what was being discussed, but my wife thought we were still talking about pyrography. We spoke about her anxiety and what we could do together to manage it successfully. He treated us with honor and respect, and in a manner that earned our respect of him many time over again. 

The reason I am sharing this with GYE, after some discussion with HHM on whether to do so, and in what manner to do so, is for one reason only. It is to share with others that reaching out for help is possible! reaching out for help will make a difference in your life! Having accountability to a trusted mentor, and having someone you can just call when you are feeling down in the dumps, makes all the difference in the world. Yes, reaching out and sharing my story in all of its gory detail was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life, but also one of the most important things I have ever done. It took courage and humility but that first step opened the doors to recovery for me. This man understands the pain that we are feeling. He knows how it feels to try and break free alone. He has been a part of GYE for many years and is our brother, he is here for us and he wants to help if you only let him. All you need is the desire to be better and he will help you heal yourself.

I urge you all – even if you feel like you are mired in the stickiest bogs of filth and all hope is lost, fear not holy brother. Hashem Help Me is able to help you. Just let him do what he is good at, he will speak to your heart and to your mind. Just listen! Shift your desire from the status quo to something more transcendent. It is amazing how you can feel such a massive difference in your life and relationships in days!

If this message was meant for you, please do not ignore it. We are here for a reason. Don’t be scared. You can find the courage within you to reach out for help, even if you are a famous person in your community, even if you are a “fallen angel,” a leader or family member of the leader of the community. Even if you are the biggest gvir in town. Even if you are a rosh yeshiva or big menahel. Don’t be scared. Do it for your family, do it for your people, but most importantly do it for yourself. Hashem gave us this challenge in order to test us, and to allow us to reach the greatest heights. If rebbe Akiva almost fell in his test and was only saved by divine decree, only imagine how proud Hashem will be of us when He sees us pull ourselves out of our addictions and become great. The people of the other nations in this world do not even understand the concept of kedusha. It’s not even a rational thought to them. We are the Goy Kadosh, and if Hashem gave us that name, it means that we are able to live up to it.

I’m reaching out to you through the pixels, and cables, and wifi signals and am holding your hands in my own. Please find the courage to reach out for help. You deserve to get better.


Shavuah tov guys, have a winning week!

Thanks for reading what I wrote