bH, no?

Going to an AA meeting tonight. Not sure if NA or AA is more relevant. 

Will update later

I believe going tonight resonated with me and my struggle. 

i just listened. Didn’t input anything. 
I relate to the concept of addiction better when focused on using a chemical/substance insteadd of lust. 

Will bH go again tomorrow

i told wife I got more stuff since the initial big conversation, and we had a long conversation about it tonight. 

Disposed of what was left but took one last J on the way out.

Met my parents with my wife at a local mall food court after being asked to meet them asap for a long conversation

among other things, the wife of the man who behaved like an animal to me, about whom I’ve held my tongue in public, and have not revealed his thefts, financial crimes, and embezzlement and misuse of donated funds - the wife and accomplice of this hidden criminal called MY MOTHER and spoke to her for an hour and a half. 

luckily my mother was always a great student and she took copious notes. 

I was accused of horrible things, including but not limited to being an informer to government entities about his institutions, having daily secret meetings for hours on end with “enemies of the institution,” and that if I know what’s best for me I should sell my house and leave town. 

and apparently I’m in cherem (excommunication) and nobody wants to associate with me, apparently including the couple who hosted us last Shabbat and are current clients of mine. 

wtf?!

Welcome! This is a space were all of us can relate and understand. It sounds like you have had a journey and travelled it well. It is so frustrating to revisit an area of your struggle that you thought was over. It can make you feel you want to give up, but even worse that this is who you are. It sounds like you really are disgusted with yourself for these behaviors and that is making you feel very low indeed. The key is to remember that having this nisayon does not mean you are bad! You were put in this world in a situation that allowed you to be exposed to this YH. Its not your fault you grew up with the background you did. Actually its pretty cool you became a BT. I wonder if there are people from your journey to become shomer torah that can help. I would assume you are not the only one who is having difficulty giving up these habits from their past lives. But we are always here for you! Keep shteiging!

Is “Narcissist” the English translation of בעל גאווה?

any tips on how to move on in life and how to make it so that the hurtful actions of crazy people are kept in perspective? 

I’d like to move on with my life and I have a squatter in my brain 

Also, um… 

counting clean days including drugs

just completed day 1 again

day 2 of AA

buckling up for this ride
just filled in the chart for may… I had a 19 day binge

thats crazy

i need to get a hold of myself because there is everything to lose

Wow thank you so  much for opening up to us

We are here with you on your journey

Can't wait to see you set sail!

There are minor differences... The main one being that NPD is considered a disorder where as gaava is haughtiness is a natural trait of many human beings and all politicians. Not sure how it relates to your next lines...
Whats helped me in the past is realizing that all this pent up anger doesnt hurt them just me. Its not easy but sometimes its worth it to forgive i  order to forget. Like you said you would do anything to get rid of a squatter even forgive all the unpaid covid rent.

Now the question is: once I’ve recognized that I’m the only one being hurt by holding on the the resentment how do I let it go? How do I forgive a person who is living in fantasy land and trying to destroy me - me, who has kept silent and is now being accused of collaborating with the ebonite’s this crazy man had made for himself. 

I’ve stayed away but I want to be happy now and trust in Hashem again that everything will be ok

How to forgive oneself is the age old question and for each person the answer is different. The common thread that every answer has is this a great deal of self evaluation, honest answers to the tough questions and tackling them with baby steps. Getting the answers to the questions is the easy part it’s the commitment to taking baby steps and not trying to run before you can walk, to not look for an easy fix and in understanding that the end of the road can be and probably years down the line. Based on what you have written lately it seems to me although you are truly the only one who can answer this is that perhaps the baby steps you require right now are to start working the 12 step program perhaps it’s something else whatever it is we are here to hold your hand through whatever process and by whatever process you choose to use to start taking those first baby steps and beyond.

I appreciate that input, thank you. 

In light of the above, I want to mention that tonight’s AA meetings discussed prayer and requesting of Gd to help us align our personal will with his.

I have not been able to pray for a long time now. Weeks, months.

I was angry at him

After speaking to HHM today, it is starting to dawn upon me that perhaps I have been selfish for a long time now in many of my relationships.

Not sure what to do with that thought

I did, at HHM‘s advice, write my wife a card apologizing for being a jerk. 

I guess this can really be called baby steps, because I am learning how to walk this earth as a functional human being

Another thought that I am rolling around in my mind is “am I an alcoholic? Am I an addict?“

I do know that whenever I pick up a drink or a joint, it does not satisfy me, rather it whets my appetite and gets me into the mood and increases my appetite for more, more, MORE

It is dining upon me, that I am, possibly in an all likelihood, most probably in denial. 

I can accept that.

Somebody told me tonight that this was the first time in 16 years that he was not drunk during a holiday, and it was really his first time actually experiencing a Jewish holiday.

I have been bitterly recollecting that I was stoned out of my mind for most of this  past Shavuot, and would have even violated Shabbat were it not for my parents finding my stash

From personal experience,Denial is a very powerful coping mechanism that is very dangerous because we create a fantasy world in which we do no wrong and everyone else does everything wrong and we are unable to take responsibility for even the smallest of actions and we thereby push away people we shouldn’t and we behave like jerks to the people around us. Acknowledging that you are possibly in denial is very much a powerful first baby step 
Remember you just have to stretch out your hand and we are here to grab it

Here take both hands

i prayed Mincha today

actually prayed to Gd instead of either not saying anything or spitting the words out 

fresh air