I feel you. 
Ive been in a rut spiritually for a few months now. 
Reb Nachmen of Breslov Zt"l says it many times that when a yid starts growing in his Avodes Hashem and feels that he is already somewhere, Hashem will hide from him so to speak. That it to make you seek him more and to want to grow more. 
In the beginning when someone starts out in his Avoda he will be shown and given some gifts so as to entice him, but once you actually reach somewhere that will be taken away as as to make you work hard and therefore to grow.  That is what Reb Nachmen says many times. 

This is very true for people like us, i see lots of people says that they used to enjoy davening while they were really struggling and couldnt go a day/week without falling and they were sure that once they stp falling it will  be much better and they will feel much more spiritual and yet they report after months of being clean that they feel much worse in their Avoda, they dont enjoy davening, learning and dont feel close to Hashem but further and they are understandably upset. 
But the truth is that Reb Nachmen is right, and our closeness to Hashem isnt measured by what we feel! Its measured by what we do and what we sacrifice. Even though i feel nothing, I know that i must be closer to Hashem then ever because of all the sacrifices ive made and all the things ive given up so as to be holier, and by the mere fact that ive sinned less this year then any other years since i can remember! 

I used to think that the hardest thing in life it to quit falling in this area, Im finding out that no, trusting Hashem is the hardest thing in life. 
Thats all we can do, we are obviously not in charge of anything, there is a creator that Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent and He loves us and wants us to succeed, everything that happens is already good even if we dont see it, But in the end we will see the reason for everything!
Chazak and keep climbing!

Thank you, Chancy, for that beautiful piece. If I may add my two cents, about trusting in Hashem, speaking from personal experience, sometimes it takes a real shake up of our life, like being put into a position that we have nothing to lean on but Hashem, when all systems are down, and you find yourself in a situation where no one can do anything, it can really shift our perspective and make us realize that we have Hashem running the show with ultimate precision. Going through tough times definitely made me trust in Hashem in a stronger way.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 28 Mar 2023 20:41:


1, You are just a piece of inspiration to all of us, I don't know and cant imagen how you are able to over your challenges ?
2, On friday the daf hayoimy is starting a nrw masechet, you can listen to Eli on mercazdafyomi.com/full-daf/
3, I would change your username from iLoveHashem247 to hashemlovesyou247

Keep strong and keep inspiring us, may you see a quick change for the better in you business and in your general health.

Thanks for the chizuk guys. Feeling depressed and struggling not to hit the bottle. 

i for ask  for this though when I told my wife I felt like I don’t have complete faith in Hashem because I had some cash reserves. Well that’s pretty much almost all gone 

I want to face the reality and just let go and let Gd run the show but I’m having a hard time with that

let go of my ego in a big way this past week, working 4x as hard to make 10% of what I made in previous weeks. Doing work for $100 with the effort that would normally bring in over $1000….


trying to see the good I feel like I’ve become so negative. I used to always be smiling and happy but I’ve neglected that and now feel constantly grumpy and mean. 

For some people trusting and letting go is the hardest thing! For others, not so hard. 
​I completely understand you. It is the hardest thing for me too. Im going to therapy for this reason. 
My therapist was laughing when i told him that i think overcoming a sex addiction is easier then trusting anyone...... he says most people would disagree with me. But i said that overcoming and addiction seems and feels like its in our hands you just have to try harder and work harder... but when it comes to things that i have Absolutly no control over, it freaks me out. 
So we got to the point where i have to learn that we really dont do anything much, we were bought here and we have a finite amount of years to be here and a finite amount of wisdom and wealth and health that's already prescribed to us before we were born. Noting much changes.
Yes, every Rosh Hashana, our books are examined to see if some minor changes need to be adjusted (sometimes it looks major to us, im taking about the bigger picture), but overall everything is already prescribed. 
We Must remember that Hashem is not constrained to time, He is now and before and in the future at the same time. So we cant control anything really. 
The only thing that is semi in our control is how we want to feel and what we want. Are we turning to Hashem? do we want to feel Him? Do we trust Him? Or do we rather want to get lost in this false world and forget the truth? 

I hope you are understanding what im trying to say, these are very deep things.... 
My point is, just let go, do what is normal to do at work, dont overwork, leave time to learn, daven, help at home and be with the kids. 
Try to do mitzvos as best you can, fight the YH as much as you can, and the rest leave up to Him. 

chancy wrote on 30 Mar 2023 16:09:

אמת

I’m trying to find the belance between hishtadlut and Bitachon without falling too far into either extreme. It’s a fine line! 

btw 

I woke up and showered right away and had a random urge to touch in the shower. 

didn’t do it

You are a hero and a mekadesh shem shomayim b'seser!!!

Remember the guy who publicly embarrassed me a few months ago? 

Recently, out of the blue he sent a messenger to inform me that I’m no longer invited to the Shul this person is influential in. The message was super gaslight-y and was structured to make me feel like I have an attitude and am a bad influence on the (dwindling) membership. Not only that, but I was told that only once this person feels ready to offer me mechila will it be considered to allow me back. 

keep in mind that I ran after this guy for months trying to talk with him about how he embarrassed me and the only time he acknowledged me was at a public event when he saw me with a leg injury and made a big show of caring and told me to “call him later to tell him all about what happened.” 

I stopped chasing him. 

I told my wife I hope this man either has a complete recovery or has a very swift death very soon because until either scenario happens everyone around him is suffering. 

my wife said we should have rachmanut on him because he is a Jew and we are like one body. I thought to myself… there is the body and then there are the cancers that we remove from the body…. 

disgusting man. A person can be learned and wear a black and white costume, and when he goes home and sheds the performance he can be the most rotten stinky piece of trash in the world. 

TYH for a supportive wife and for HHM and a handful of loyal friends. 

if you guys ever hear of a new Shul called Kehilat ILH247 please stop by and say hello. Gonna start it up after Pesach. 

Was traveling yesterday and when I got to the airport I saw a woman who looked like she was on her way to a video shoot if you know what I mean. 

I took off my glasses. 

for most of the rest of the trip. 

guess who was sitting in front of me across the aisle in the airplane?

This woman was traveling with 3 or 4 little kids and a pretty boy husband who was busy preening and watching videos on his phone the entire flight and barely lifted a finger to help out. The second this woman opened her mouth I realized how disgusting the inside is and the outside is just a show. Like a soiled diaper inside of a scented colorful garbage bag. 

It’s like seeing something well formed in pretty packaging thinking that it might be chocolate, and then, when you get closer, you see that it’s really not chocolate…. Yelling “shut up” to her kids at least 50 times during the flight. 

I didn’t wear glasses the entire flight and learned something so interesting. 

I couldn’t really see the woman. Only listen to her speech and observe her blurry interactions with her kids. 

the outside is such a small part of the person and really the shallowest part of the person. The costume has an impact on the initial judgment of how you look at the person, but the more you see how the person behaves, and this is with every person in every situation, you really got to know their true character in whether they are an “erliche mentch”

side point, when her kids started getting crazy with my kids I did two things 

1. told my kids that the stewardess sees them and she’s coming so sit nicely and behave like a ben Torah lest they kick them out of the flight (and we’d miss them so much if we got to our destination without them)
2. Sang hamalach and shma with them (many many times in all the various tunes) 

the woman happened to be a Jew. 

the only time she turned around and quieted down was when I started singing hamalach hagoel to my kids… it was like something clicked and sparked a memory. Who knows maybe it will make a difference…

also, side rant- it is SO not fair for parents to ignore kids because they’re on their smartphones with movies or emails or social media and then explode at the kids when their voices get louder than the movie in the AirPods. 

ORPHANS to parents who are still alive! 

forget about porn and goyish influences for a second - what about the kids! A child needs and craves love and attention. If anyone here has ever made the effort, and just looked in their child’s face for 30 seconds and then just told them “do you know how much I love you? Could you possibly ever understand how special you are to me?” And making it a point to hug and kiss each child at least once a day…

Imagine spending 30 seconds and doing that to each kid instead of scrolling through one Instagram video.

This will transform the quality of the children and your family and your relationship with all of those around you.

The day my mother got an iPhone it was a turning point of “before” and “after” in my life. 

choose your family!!!!

I know this all sounds very harsh and judgmental but really I’m not saying this in a forum where people know who I am. It is more like a journal and I am venting my feelings. This is something that is so important and to focus on it really can save lives.  how many children could have been saved from the street if their parents just gave them the love and attention that they needed? I once asked someone about one of my kids who craves attention. “ I give him so much attention. How much attention could I possibly give him?” The answer was ” as much as he needs.”

I once had a roommate that had a weird symbol on his shoes. I asked him what in the world is that? He told me some fancy brand where each individual she cost $500 and then he proceeded to tell me that every time he tried to get attention from his father, his important businessman father just gave him a lot of cash and said go buy something. This is one of the most depressed people I’ve ever met in my life. 

Loving the fact that the world is a blur without my glasses. 

went to the zoo

took off glasses

only saw the animals I chose to look at

what a blast!

What happened here, folks? 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 04 Apr 2023 13:54:

Maybe some people consider the truth judgmental, but you have done nothing more than say the truth. I love the point of hugging and kissing each kid every day, at least once. Keep sharing!

I love the point  too,
Just that my older kids don't like when I hug or kiss them.
My younger ones wait for it when I come in the evening and I can see how they need it from a very young age.

It’s late at night and about an hour and a half past my bedtime so I will keep it short. I have been waking up very early every morning, biking to shul. Feeling better - my teeth tingle after I exercise so hard; and I can start my day on a high without doing any drugs.

I finally cut off that crazy toxic person from my life and all the people involved with him. I actually saw him tonight ant an event and did not even engage with him or his cronies. Moving on!

I was struggling with my business (still having major cash flow problems), and spoke to my Rabbi and asked him for advice. Interestingly enough, he has a lot of experience in the same business due to his family being involved. Gave me a lot of great pointers, and today I made some major moves, which should turn the business towards an excellent direction. I have also been taking proactive steps and doing some unconventional marketing, which is somewhat risky, but hopefully will be very rewarding in the future. 

Got an email announcing a three month free trial subscription to a TV streaming service with the new smart phone I got for work, and surprise surprise it somehow worked through the filter.

I was watching a bunch of streams and movie shows, I got to the point where I was fed up with how stupid the secular world is and how it is actually literally crazy how this is how people live. Reached out to HHM to make a verbal confession, and then emailed the filter service who promptly blocked that domain. Was pretty impressed with the speed of their response. 

My wife has been extremely supportive, even though I have been acting a little wacko sometimes, and sometimes she has her wacko days too and I tell her no problem, it’s your turn now, go ahead. 

I missed posting here, I have been very busy, trying to turn my life around and come out of complacency and actively live my life as opposed to letting life happen to me… it’s one thing to turn away from the bad and a completely different thing to actively and proactively do good and healthy things. 

A few months ago I made a comment to my wife. I told her that I feel like I do not completely trust in God because I have thousands in cash reserves and I feel like I am relying on my money and not completely on my creator. Well, guess what, the past three months have wiped pretty much, every penny of reserves I was really tested, and the past few months have been a time of struggle and growth and closeness, and a real turn around in my attitude towards serving God. 

When we have struggles in life can be very very difficult, but it is surely what takes us to the next level, and separates us from those who are cruising in categorizes us, and to those who are actually driving

I spoke to HHM, when I was almost at the end of the rope, and he told me I am not the only one with financial problems and burdens, and I have to just let go and let God run the show. So I had a conference with my creator and I told him I can’t do this at all so it’s gonna have to be on you and then everything started to turn around. I am also very grateful that my rich dad did not just say yes when I asked him for money and categorically refused to give me Asian dollar more than what I was getting with my part-time job for him he committed very positively to giving me any machines, tools, education that I would need in order to thrive, but not money , he is very smart because that is the reason that I started taking things much more seriously and hustling my butt off 

I know that my efforts do not have anything to do with the results, but I underestimated how much effort I am required to put in, and use my learning as an excuse for running away from making the proper effort

I just wrote this whole thing voice to text so if you can’t figure something out use your imagination, I will try to edit later. Have a great night. Love you all.