Lol thanks for the chizuk

i do have a very interesting update. Can’t really go into detail, but I have been working super hard on healing my mindset and attitudes, and wife has been very happy and supportive. She actually told me yesterday that she used to be not confident and unhappy and felt distant from me and now that’s all changed. 

this week, after much hard work and tremendous effort to stick to my promise of “it doesn’t always have to be all the way,” we discovered that we both enjoy the thing that was my greatest weakness - massages! 

we got fancy scented massage oil that came with some kind of rolling ball (like a humongous version of the tip of a ballpoint pen), and it has been mutually beneficial. 

I was quite taken aback to experience the taava that pulls so strongly at me, but now at home in a kosher way. Hashem really does allow a person to experience anything he desires in a muttar way. 

amazing! 

Thank you Hashem! 

I LOVE THIS POST!!!!

Happy to hear you are finding healthy connectivity in your marriage. Beautiful!

Was insulted in public today in front of many people

didn’t answer

felt blood drain from my face, dry mouth, lightheaded, heart was  beating so fast

not letting it take away from my self esteem - I will use it to raise myself bc I know it took strength to not answer. 

my Bracha to the GYE family is that next time you are feeling triggered and are about to act out (yes, YOU), remember my story and how I held back - and this should be a Zechut for you to overcome your Yetzer Hara. I held my tongue to avoid machloket - and the merit of doing so should stand to give you strength when you are feeling weak. 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 10 Dec 2022 23:24:

Wow!!
I hope you prayed, as its known to be an עת רצון.
The same goes to every נסיון we have.

Amazing!
i logged on feeling really worn down looking for some chizzuk to pull me through and i see this.
truly inspiring.

sorry for your pain

the practice you have in self control is what enabled you to reach such heights.

thank you!

Quick update I can’t really go into such detail, but I had to go somewhere for an emergency. Somewhere that is a dangerous place to be for someone who wants to guard his eyes. I went to this place with the mission of saving a Jewish person from a certain fate and with the guidance and approval of Daat Torah (not easy to obtain)

so far going great bH

I am employing all kinds of tricks in order to not fall. Looking at ceilings, taking off glasses, distracting with action, reading classic literature and even (gasp!) learning Gemara from my mini travel set, and so on.

As our great mentor told me, it is like a dish that is currently putting out meat - it cannot absorb dairy.

I feel empowered and driven and hope to carry this feeling over with me when I am back home living my regular life

Amazing news, everyone!

My emergency trip was a big, smashing success, I was on the other side of the country and free to do whatever I want for 48 hours. I did not visit any prostitutes, go to any massage parlors, or do any drugs.

Not only that, but I got myself a little something to snack on in the airport, and then sat in a quiet corner where nobody else was. A young, scantily dressed woman came over to me and started chatting me up. Kind of weird since I look frum and I’m wearing a big kippa but I guess I am a good looking guy, if I do say so myself.

I minimized conversation and disengaged, then moved to a different place ASAP. The previous me 84 days ago would’ve taken her number since we’re going to the same destination and would have let it ride. Probably would have picked her up instead of learning one night and even cheated on my wife. It’s happened in the past but never again! 

But the old me is dead, he doesn’t exist anymore. 

thank you Hashem! And thank you GYE!!!!

By the way, last time, I had an opportunity like this I spent the weekend smoking weed on Shabbat and neglecting all my responsibilities, then visiting a massage parlor after Shabbat on the way home. 

EVERYTHING has changed since then!

Wow-Great.
Hashem loves YOU 24/7!!

Wow wow wow!!! I have NO words!! Your a real בל תשובה!!! And I’m sure you know what חז״ל say abt a b’t…. במוקם וגו׳ אין צדקים גמורים וגו׳!!!
Its amazing how you changed your life around… Like I don’t know how you did it… you had/have such a passion to change and you really did it! Like we basically came on to gye together ( remember??) and you pmd me your story I was like hey this guy has done stuff that I wasn’t even close to and I thought there is no way your gonna be able to get your haligah kosher life back… and look were your holding now!!! I’m actually crying…. 
you learn from here that nothing can stop a person if has the ratzon ( will)!  אין דבר עומד מלפני הרצין!
I heard a beautiful vort from the באר מים חיים that you can learn this from שכם he wanted to marry דינה and he got a whole city to maliah themselves even the old guys, everyone… he went around convincing them it’s good for them etc. ( it really is mind boggling how he convinced a whole city…) how did he do it? Cause he had the will the ratzon and then nothing stops you on the way…. מדה טובה מרובה!! 
dear love you h 24/7! You have known idea what’s going in haven now how happy and proud H’ is of you!!!!!! I won’t be shocked if you end up becoming a godel byisrel you have massive kiches use them out and you’ll reach crazy מדרגת!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 06:32:

Now this is what we call Authentic teshuva! As the Rambam teaches us: 

אֵי זוֹ הִיא תְּשׁוּבָה גְּמוּרָה. זֶה שֶׁבָּא לְיָדוֹ דָּבָר שֶׁעָבַר בּוֹ וְאֶפְשָׁר בְּיָדוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹתוֹ וּפֵרַשׁ וְלֹא עָשָׂה מִפְּנֵי הַתְּשׁוּבָה. לֹא מִיִּרְאָה וְלֹא מִכִּשְׁלוֹן כֹּחַ.

Who has done a complete Teshuva? A person who confronts the same situation in which he transgressed when he has the potential to do it again and, nevertheless, abstains and does not do it because of his Teshuva alone and not because of fear or a lack of strength.

כֵּיצַד. הֲרֵי שֶׁבָּא עַל אִשָּׁה בַּעֲבֵרָה וּלְאַחַר זְמַן נִתְיַחֵד עִמָּהּ וְהוּא עוֹמֵד בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ בָּהּ וּבְכֹחַ גּוּפוֹ וּבַמְּדִינָה שֶׁעָבַר בָּהּ וּפָרַשׁ וְלֹא עָבַר זֶהוּ בַּעַל תְּשׁוּבָה גְּמוּרָה.

For example, a person engaged in illicit sexual relations with a woman. Afterward, they met in privacy, in the same country, while his love for her and physical power persisted, and nevertheless, he abstained and did not transgress. This is a complete Baal-Teshuva.

(Rambam Hilchos Teshuva 2:1)

Thank you so much for putting that out, because we are always our own worst critics, and our accomplishments are never good enough in our own eyes. If I was reading that I would’ve found all the ways it is not exactly the same, but really, that gave me a lot of strength to see what you wrote. It happens to be that I was also recently in a place where the original person picked up my business card, and she was trying to catch my eye, but I ignored.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 06:32:

I envy you for the immense pleasure you'll be receiving for withstanding this nisoyon!!
Keep up ur great progress!!! 

By the way this all happened while my wife had been niddah 

she still is