Thank you for reading, first of all.  It helps to be able to share and to overcome.

The turning point for me in this struggle was realizing that the Noahide mitzvah prohibiting "sexual immorality" includes premarital sex, not just for Jewish people but for ALL people.  For a very long time I have not been able to defend my attempts to behave piously.  My attempts failed partially because they were attached to non-Jewish lust-addiction 12-step support groups.  Another reason that they failed was because I saw so many people, including non-Torah-observant Jews, participating in this behavior and even encouraging it, G-D FORBID, that seemed to otherwise lead prosperous, happy, successful, "normal" lives.

I used to take comfort in thinking that if I can't be Jewish, I can at least be Noahide.  But then, is this what being Noahide looks like???

Once I realized that this is completely unacceptable behavior, I was strengthened in my desire to stop.  So, now I am here, B''H.  Now I can defend myself from the scorn of the scoffers, accusing me of retreating into "orthodoxy" as a way to hide my shame.  I'm hoping that the ideological hurdle is the biggest one.  The mind controls the heart and leads it to the right path.  Now I just have to change my habits, and also clean up my life.  I have very severe consequences of many decades of this bad behavior and general neglect.

I have no children, but perhaps this is a blessing.  If I had attempted to raise them while I was struggling with this addiction, they might have grown to be as morally warped as I was.  I might never raise children now, and I fear that this is the consequence of this bad behavior, and perhaps this can never be repaired.  It makes me very sad, but I have no choice: I want to never go back to the behavior that has ultimately brought me nothing but sorrow.

I thought that I was doing the world a favor.  I thought that this behavior was an "outlet" for lust, anger, greed and unhealthy ambitions.  I thought that this was what self-control was in the modern era.  Now I see that it is just idolatry in a new form.  I cannot fix the world.  I cannot be envious of people that appear to be successful despite their decadence.  I cannot be resentful of other people that learned to control themselves sooner, or that never fell into this addiction in the first place.  I can only fix myself, here and now.

Over the decades, I've seen people stumble and fall.  Then the ones who looked happy were actually not, and they could not pick themselves up again and move on.  Then I saw people who had committed very serious errors, but they survived, recovered and thrived.  What was the difference?  TESHUVA, repentance.  They admitted that they had erredand resolved to change their behavior.  They didn't make excuses or rationalize.  They did the work to change.

I am grateful to you all for contributing and participating, and I encourage you to learn from my example and not make my mistakes.  Even if I never do get to do certain mitzvahs in my life, I am grateful for the peace of mind that sobriety has brought me so far.  I am also grateful to the many rabbis along the way that knew that something was wrong but didn't know exactly what.  They didn't have the words and the tools to help at that time.  Better late than never.