Hello, amazing friends,

The "I don't have something to add", "someone can recognize me", "I'm not good at writing" and you finished these lines, are out of the window today, when reaching my 180'th day clean I have to do it in my gratitude to Hashem.

Growing up I have it a very hard time regarding the relationship with my parents I didn't talk to my father for a while and we have a hard time together.

In school and in Yeshiva I always was bitter about the teachers, I lived in pain and thought that anyone is against me, many of the fellow kids were bullying me and I had no one to talk to about it.

Most of the challenges probably had to do with my high sensitivity but it didn't help I felt in pain almost anytime that I remember.

We also had in the family a few tragedies that didn't make me feel better and here again, I had no one to talk to.

When I grow up I started to suffer from serious anxiety and panic attacks I always imagined that I am dead and nobody is picking up my body... this put on me a new level of unmanageable pain that I couldn't go through alone.

Not to paint things only in a dark way through the years I had a few amazing ppl that I could talk to but these were when I got in the higher teen years.

While engaged to my wife I already started seeing some signs but never dreamed of what will happen in real life.

After the wedding it started a painful life that I felt I couldn't survive; with BPD symptoms I have to eat, have friends, talk, think, and everything in between exactly like she wanted to make a story short life then feels like hell.

To fast forward to the good end story my life is now amazing Boruch Hashem, my wife is much better, my financial situation improved, no anxiety and panic (I am not soo scared of dying anymore...).

And now to why I share these, while I did go through all these I had a major pain killer m and inappropiate content was unfortunatly a part of life; I wasn't addicted just I know that from all the pain I can get a litlle relief.

With hard work and with help here from your amazing guys on GYE I managed to see things as they are, and that I have to take real steps to improve life, with therapy or other steps, and not choose the easy/tragic way to get out of the pain.

I think by me clarity was key, I told myself "yes, it feels good, (that's why it's such a hard mitzva) but what want you to give up for it, your Kedusha? Parnose? Family life?".

I am not naive to think that there could not be obstacles down the road it probably would but I hope with Hashem's help as I have seen already what a REAL and RELIEVING life means I will stay strong.

Thank you Hashem for your amazing support always and especially I can't thank you enough for helping me get out of this tragic mess of life.

trythehardest wrote on 14 Jul 2022 16:49:

What an amazing and inspiring story.  I am so proud to be part of a forum that has people like you in it.  I hope that you will be doing something to celebrate. This deserves a lot more than an ice cream!!

I am just going to comment that you mention you put in hard work.  I think that the best way to make sure that you make permanent changes is when you are motivated to do whatever it takes no matter how hard (and expensive) it is.  You obviously recognized this and acted on it.   The investments you have  put in now will shower you with generations of dividends.  Kol Hakovod and please keep in touch. 

Thank you for your kind words!

Actually, I have many horror stories to share that would shed more light on my story, but for various reasons, I didn't add them in the post and just posted a summary; what you say about the hard work, I can say that many ppl would/did believe that I have enough excuses not to work on this topic but b"h I stayed strong not to get into this trap and work in the situation that Hashem put me.

One crucial part I forgot to share is that HHM was my biggest help here; he suggested Web Chaver, but I was soo scared; what if I will have a fall? My confidence was deeply below 0, and I didn't know if I would survive such an embarrassment; I took the courage and signed up for it, and it was a powerful game changer I remember since one fall (in about eight months) it wasn't pleasant at all but installing it was an unbelievable help.

I should stay in touch here, and if it gets harder trying to get some help. Thank you

Hello,

Not so much in the mood to write now, but I have to.

B"h reached last week a year clean and keeping it on with Hashem's help!

Thanks to GYE and HHM, and most importantly to Hashem, that helped me reach this.

I just can say that I was millions percent convinced that it would never happen, but in reality, it did; guys, don't give up; Hashem is bigger than our small minds, and you can get out of everything with his help; just ask him again and again.

Thank you, guys!

Hi Tzadikim,

Reached today b"h 702 days clean!!! when I think back to the old days I start crying, unbelievable the power of Hashem he can do everything even something you could swear it's impossible to happen.

I can't even remember the really tough urges, obviously, I can still have them but the strongness is not to compare.

Staying in the game, and you should to, never give up because yes, Hashem can make it happen and you will be at the other side.

Go on as I also thought it will never get better and I also, think that once ppl get better they post less and we think that there are not a lot of such stories but the truth is that there are many just unfortunately once we are ok we move on and are very little on this site.

Thank you Hashem and that to you all!

WOW!

My dear fellow GYE member;

Upon reading your article, I teared up.
Your story is similar to mine, now although this message was written 2+ years ago, I am new here and read your post now.

After reading through a lot of posts here,  I'm realizing that Mental health pain is a very strong factor when it comes to fighting with all these tough struggles. whoever experienced Mental health pain can relate that you feel so weak right when getting out of bed although you haven't started your day, and of course, a human being tries to escape from pain, and M&P looks like the easy way out.

I look up to you for doing 180 days, there isn't much I can say, just: WOW, WOW, WOW!
You fought with an angel!, and you put Hashem as your highest priority, overlooking your deep pain, this is so special!

I don't know where you are up to today, but the זוכר כל הנשכחות will remember this forever! Keep it up!

Hi,

Thanks for your post as you might see I am late to reply and it's because I am not so good in checking in recently.

But for the great news I am coming here and share the big moment with you guys.

Erev Yom Kipur I reached 1000 days clean, I can't explain enough how emotional this was to me, especially as I was convinced that it's impossible for me to stop these habits.

In an interesting observation I realized recently that I don't have anymore this big fears of death, as much as I wish to live long I am not so scared as I feel I have done a lot in the biggest Nisoyen...

For you all still struggling heavily (the Taave is not completely going away by us, it's just that you are confident that iy"h you can fight it) I can just tell you this: YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN win this, stay strong and celebrate every tiny step; you can't win this without believing how happy Hashem is with every tiny step.

Trythehardest

Wow! That's incredible! A guy like you most probably has a lot of wisdom to share with us "newbies". Maybe you can share some of the things that worked for you in greater detail so that others can benefit?

WOOOOW!
Keep it up.