Hi all, 

As you all can see, my nickname is "ex_hasid" Yes! I am ex Chasidish but still look Chasidish on the outside. What I mean by that is that everyone in my neighborhood knows me as a natural Chasidish person. Dressing like the extreme Chasidishe cultures, with the yellow Tzitzut on the shirt, black and white glasses, full beard, and a long dirty coat... Not anymore... I changed a lot. My outside appearance is still Chasidish, but not what most Chasidus are used to nowadays. Chasidus is not about clothing and lifestyle. It is about heart and mindset. And that is what I changed. My lifestyle is still in the Chasidish sect, but not like the extreme. However, I still live in a Chasidish community, and I am looking to relocate. And as long as I live in the community, I still have to dress the way they require. 

Now to my personal story. To make a long story short. I lived a double life for years, and nobody even knew about it. I looked Frum, Chasidish on the outside, but I wasn't observant. I hated Judaism, the culture, and everything about Frum people. Nevertheless, I struggled with anxiety, panic, depression, and addiction for years. All my struggles resulted from poor childhood upbringing and sexual abuse from one of my family members. I hated my family and blamed my parents and authorities for all that until God introduced me to amazing people who helped me get out of my situation. 

However, after working with experts for years, spending thousands. And after trying so many ways to get me out of my porn addiction, they concluded that it is not addiction. For me, porn is a way of running away from my problems that resulted in addiction, and if I don't get out of my guarded situation, I will never get out of any bad habit. 

It is worth noting that I had never sat down to watch porn all day long. People do consider me a successful person in business. However, I don't feel successful because success has an entirely different meaning for me. I never knew that. All I knew was business, money, and more money. That was my escape, and whenever I was not in business, like on weekends and holidays, porn was my escape to relax. However, that wasn't by watching porn all day long. It was by watching romantic TV shows and movies, and then it ended by getting it all out with one picture/video.

B"H today I am a Baal Teshuvah, I observe Shabbos, and I put on Tefilin every day. I see life from a completely different angle, and I love it. Still, I need a lot of Chizuk in watching porn after becoming a bit depressed or after watching romantic stuff. That is what I struggle with still, and I hope joining this amazing community will help me get out of that kind of addiction.

Peace & love to all,

ex_hasid(cult)

Thank you for opening up here I have to keep it short because I have an appointment in a few minutes but I just wanted to respond.  I believe that there are many people here that can identify with your feelings and situation.  I believe that connecting over here will be very helpful for you and help you grow into the best possible version of yourself.  Keep on posting and stay in touch.

Welcome to GYE!
You sound like a great guy, over here we don't judge people by external appearance.
(we can't see you!  and even if we could have seen you, we know that what you see is not what you get )

I hope you'll get great inspiration here by staying connected to this special community of people that have a common goal, to become better people one day at a time. 

Welcome! Please check out these great free resources: 
ebook- The Battle of the Generation 
Audio series- The Fight
They're very good to start with.
See below in my signature for the links.

​Hatzlocha!