Hi all,

BH" I've been going clean for 22 days. Before this streak, I have had long streaks that I didn't keep track of but this is the first I am counting the days so I will know when I reach 90 days.

My addiction is out of control. I'm a Baal Teshuva and have been watching shmutz since 11 years old. In college and in highschool I would watch it constantly, everyday to be frank. On stressful days I could watch shmutz for 2 hours straight and going on dating sites and embarrassing myself just for a photo. It was so bad and I've been wasting so much of my life because of it. Unfortunately everyone around me did it too and were proud of it, so I never bothered thinking it was so bad. 

Over time as I became more aware I realized it was a huge addiction. Before I was religious I tried stopping but I couldn't go more than a week. BH" since becoming frum a few years ago, I decided to stop this addiction by avoiding all internet for a few months. It worked, but it wasn't sustainable since I need my phone and laptop for work. Eventually I started watching again. 

Then I decided to take on filters, and although it has been protecting me I have been finding workarounds. Unfortunately this has lead me to fall a few times. 

However I'm confident that I'm not going to fall anymore. I have a goal to reach 90 days, and I plan to become a mentor. Since teaching is something I feel will help me in my own journey I have set my mind to reaching that goal of 90 days. 

I do have a problem though and that's boredom and being tired. Since I have many memories of past things I did with other people and on the internet I self soothe my boredom and tiredness with these memories. It's really hard to get rid of these thoughts and I don't understand how people just think Torah instead. If people can help me grasp this concept of thinking Torah in times of boredom and tiredness I'd like to know. 

Thanks, please pray for me so that I never look at shmutz again. 

Welcome to the forum! How about getting a good partner and you can learn/teach from/to each other? This way you will have the benefit of teaching without having to wait 90 days? When you get those thoughts instead of making an all out war against the thought and using up your energy and willpower try just letting the thought pass. For example you think of something you watched, think oh ok I'm having an inappropriate thought nothing will happen and it'll go away soon and let's think of something better. Of course to think in learning is the best but you can try thinking of other stuff like Kosher experiences you had. Just remember not to make yourself crazy changing your thoughts. See also www.chabad.org/library/tanya/tanya_cdo/aid/7907/jewish/Chapter-28.htm . Filters are only part of the solution maybe try the TaphSic method? guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method

likeaguy wrote on 30 May 2022 23:52:

I also didn't grow up frum. Not a problem. You can break free. I wouldn't be able to say that if I had not done it personally, because before I did it, I didn't think it was possible. So so much of the endless battle results from using approaches that don't work time and time again and also from being unwilling to embrace the physical discomfort and potentially even pain associated with initial withdrawal and later during acute exacerbations of taiva. You can message me if you would like to speak more. Hatzlacha.

Thanks I've read that portion in Tanya many times over, and have actually heard another baal teshuva who asked this question to the Rebbe. In which the Rebbe replied to think of other things. Even then it's incredibly difficult cause I'm not sure what I should think about! I'm trying to potentially work more on my hobby to get rid of these thoughts 

Hey I would love to message you, maybe tomorrow when I have free time. Thanks for the Chizuk. 

Hey thanks for posting. We’re all baalei tshuva here (or at least trying to be) (-: In terms of thoughts going away/working on this, I had the same problem for many years. I would daydream for hours on end etc. so I’m in the same boat as you. However, after joining gye and working on myself I noticed that the battle has been getting much easier lately. The rule of thumb has always been to not fight the thoughts directly, but rather to try and think of other things. There is no other way. And it’s definitely a hard process but it really does get easier as you go along. So wishing you luck on this journey and hashem should send you a lot of siyata dishmaya. Hatzlacha rabba!!

Welcome to GYE.  This is an amazing group of guys are working together to break free.  Stick around here and stay active on the forum.  You'll gain tremendously form the group support and will pick up on good strategies to help you succeed. 

Welcome to GYE. It is great to hear your optimism and we are all (at least I am) davening for your success. It is helpful for you and for the group when you keep everyone updated on your continued successes. Since your 90 days will be over on Tisha B'Av, we may have to delay the celebration for the day after.

Welcome on board! I come from a pretty similar background from you. I also didn't grow up religious and I started to become religious maybe 2 years ago now. In regards to what you said about being able to think Torah in times of boredom and tiredness, I'd just like to suggest that you go to a place of learning and learn with a rabbi or someone if that's possible for you. I'm also going to be doing this, and it'll be my first time actually learning with a rabbi because I've been learning only on TorahAnytime. Boredom I recently realized is a much bigger trigger for me than I previously thought but what makes it even more of a trigger is being behind a computer while also being bored even if you have filters. If you're bored but you go outside to do something like to take a walk, the desire goes away more or less even if you remain bored while doing that. Things may get a complicated if you have access to a browser on your phone and if you bring it in the above case because you may think about how to get past the filter and so the desire may linger even in a situation like that so I'm not a big fan of having a browser on my phone anymore. But this just highlights that there needs to be more distance between us and the internet, because it's addictive even when it comes to the non-shmutz aspect of the internet and it's designed to be that way. If you can do that with the learning, that's a double bonus and you will most definitely see success. It's also really good to open up to friends about this issue because they might struggle with this also and would love to help you. For me personally, I have 2 secular jewish friends from high school and when I told them I'm addicted (we all went to public school so we all knew that we do it and that we're all more or less addicted) and that I needed their help, they were more than happy to do so and their help has been invaluable.

Yes for sure I’m so glad this forum is here. I used to use the forum on reddit but there were so many triggers on that site so I blocked it on my phone.

Wow I didn’t realize that! Even more motivation since it’ll help bring Moshiach because that is when he is going to be born.

Thanks for the advice, I actually have been learning full time at a Yeshiva for a while now. Sometimes it get’s really boring here too so it’s a problem. My rabbis says I need to get a more gshmack in my learning but I get so tired sometimes.

I’ve talked to friends here about it but generally I find it to be a lot more safe to do it here since it’s anonymous. 

Hi everyone, an update that I’m still going strong! I had a major trigger by seeing someone on LinkedIn but I know I can get over it. Keeping vigilant and doing my best to keep posting here my journey to keep myself on track.

likeaguy wrote on 30 May 2022 23:52:

if you are dealing with boredom, the response would generally be to occupy yourself with something that is interesting to you.  That is something you can prepare for in advance and does not necessarily need to be torah.    If you learn to recognize that you are entering a "bored" phase, you can refer to your list and do any of the things that interest you in order to keep your mind occupied.

I generally try to keep music on most of the time if i am not doing something else.  I use that when going to sleep as well if i am not up to listen to a shiur. I find that usually keeps me in a safe place.

If you want to try the "torah learning" approach, the easiest way is to look in advance and find the speakers on torahanytime that you enjoy.  then when you feel bored you can automatically click on a shiur. 

likeaguy wrote on 31 May 2022 23:49:

for the tiredness, you might want to look into the following:
​1- exercise.  not getting enough will definitely make you tired
2- diet. certain foods particulary wheat/bread commonly cause people to be tired
3- sleep.  check to make sure that you are sleeping properly.  (make sure that you are not suffering from sleep apnea or other sleep disorders)

just wanted to make sure these are not overlooked as they are common reasons why people are tired.