iwillmanage wrote on 28 Mar 2022 18:49:

I wrote that 8 months (and many falls) ago. But in this battle 'a few days' is plenty of time to come up with 90,000 reasons excuses not to do something. It got pushed off and sure enough, I ended up buying a USB internet dongle (again), using it to act out at every possible opportunity, and getting rid of it a week before Rosh Hashono (again). So now that I don't have internet access at home (I use a filtered internet suite), I'm clean from porn for the past two months, - in that time I twice placed an online order for an internet stick (was mzl shortly after each time), and cancelled the order the next day. Because I really don't want to have to start all over again. It Just. Isn't. Worth it! (However much I'd love it to be.)

After quite an internal struggle I took my laptop to TAG yesterday to get it blocked. But the weirdest thing! They couldn't connect it to the internet however hard they tried! (I don't think they knew much more then to run the troubleshoots and reset network). In the end they gave up saying they can't help me and it seems safe enough… Way too trusting! I really don't think it would be too hard to get it working if I really wanted to, backed by the determination and motivation of my lust. I really don't want to test my capabilities, but there's someone inside me that does and even if he's (half) asleep now he'll wake up sooner or later.

Have you tried getting a partner here on the site for accountability?

After I reached out to someone shared mu struggles and gedarim I need to make and stick, check in daily, two months later, the rest is history.

Sounds like you're
Able to break away but then trouble holding onto the resolution when the taavah gets strong. 

Hatzlacha.

Enough is enough! I'm smashed from weeks of late nights from porn and masturbation. I can't think straight or concentrate in the day. I'm so tired I don't even enjoy the porn anymore, but I still do it. Why?! No excuse. Zero reasons. (minus 90000 to be precise).

I've been on GYE for almost a year and I haven't done a single serious move in the direction of quitting. I have no plan, haven’t spoken to anyone, no accountability, haven't counted to 90.. I haven't even managed to get myself a filter on my laptop. Until very recently I sincerely thought that all this stuff is not for me. I just have to try and forget about it, carry on life and it will forget about me. Why does it take me so long to catch on to the simple things? Too haughty? Probably, but too proud to admit it. Fact is I can't do it on my own. I need to speak to real people make a real plan, fix up the petty pitfalls that I've made into mountains and get myself out of this mess once and for all.

And I'm starting to count 90 days b'ezras Hashem from now.

Tonight happens to be my birthday. Hopefully it will be my rebirth day as well.

Couldn't agree more, my friend! Posting is a powerful first step, it brings us to be able to open, it's very therapeutic, there are good things to learn on the forum, there are great tools to learn on this site, but there ain't nothing like connecting to people who care and can help. 
I felt the same, when I started my journey, I felt I was experiencing a rebirth. Keep posting, my friend, and stick around
Happy Birthday!!!

iwillmanage wrote on 07 Feb 2023 00:00:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
wow you sound serious about changing… amazing! But I think you should do l’masiah like reach out to someone real tonight and make a real plan NOW ! Before the yh starts to make you chilled… like you have a hesirures put it in to action now! For me Hhm was my life saver reach out to him by emailing him at 

michelgelner@gmail.com

good luck bro! And enjoy your birthday cake!

+1

you need HHM to show you how to love yourself and he will also beat you up if you act stupid

I just noticed that it's a month now since my last post on this thread. That means that I'm a whole month clean! B"h! I've still got some way to go in letting go of this whole thing, but at least I feel that I've made some movement in the right direction. Most importantly, I've finally picked up the phone and spoken it through with a real person. It's truly a different experience, it takes recovery from being somewhere in the metaverse to the real world and the real me. Something simple like putting on a filter which I had agonised over for months with excuses that where very real in my warped mind was sorted in a matter of hours, easily. Daily accountability is also a powerful tool and I don't think I would have gotten to a month without it. I've started the F2F program, but I need to set aside time for it and be more consistent, maybe I should have accountability for that as well…

Just one question (for now): How long will these urges go on for? They haven't let go for a single day (besides for maybe one when I was extra busy). They're very annoying. And disturbing.

Keep climbing…

IWM

To an extent you will have these urges for the rest of your healthy life, however they will usually amount to the same nuisance level as a fly buzzing around your head.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Mar 2023 15:38:

@HHM, Thanks for this post. I am having some urges buzzing around my head last few days and started to get irritated, and this is what I needed to hear: Its totally normal and nothing to get worried about - its normal and will pass Iy"h...

willdoit wrote on 06 Mar 2023 16:07:

And the more we think about that fly, the more we agonize and obsess about it, the more central it will be in our focus. And then it begins to bother us even more, and we start seeing everything through it. We gotta think"oh, there goes that fly. Oh well. Where are those papers again..."Just move away from obsessing about the urges. They will subside and become regular urges, and don't think too much about them

Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Mar 2023 15:38:

It helps to also have HHM buzzing in the other ear every once in a while….

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 14 Mar 2023 21:43:

Hi, 
Your patterns of urges sound familiar. I go through the same thing.
But being in GYE brings real hope for the better.

Besides for the force of lust that drives me to places I have no business being, I believe there's also another, subtler one that has an influence over me. It's the pull and lure of the culture and lifestyle that lies beyond the walls of our society. Don't get me wrong; I know fully well that I'm on the side of the fence where the grass is lusher, richer, way more satisfying and fulfilling. But I still keep peering over the fence to peek at what's on the other side, where the grass seems to be a more glittery glossier green. This attraction doesn't necessarily lead all the way to porn, it has taken me to concerts, nightlife, shows, films and all the rest that’s to be found on YouTube. But it's interesting that before I joined GYE I perceived my struggle with porn and obsession with pritzus as an extension of this interest, and was surprised that it wasn't discussed more. I now realize that the main player is lust and that has nothing to do with this, but I still think that this element of my struggle needs to be addressed. The truth is that it may be that initially lust was the only player and the sense of fun and illusion of freedom of their culture rubbed off on me as a poisonous by-product.

The answer isn't just to make the fences higher. It'll end up with holes all over the place. What I have to do is bend down and dig in to the delicious grass by my feet and live the pleasure and enjoyment of a truly meaningful fulfilling way of life with every fibre of my being. Especially now as we come out of the days celebrating the true freedom of asher bochar bonu and count towards matan torah, it's a time to appreciate that I'm not missing out on anything with the all-encompassing torah and find total contentment and serenity in its way of life.         

iwillmanage wrote on 17 Apr 2023 12:19:

Hi,
I completely understand you as i was in a very similar situation. 
I was exposed to not only P and M at a very young age, but also to Movies and Tv shows and Theaters and everything else that the secular society around us has to offer. I struggled very hard with the M and P issues but the others issues i didnt deal with as i didnt see the problem at first!
It took me a long time to realize the i have to stop with all of that as well for 2 reasons. 
1. It was leading me to fall, every scene that was trigering was a cause for me to fall and i was seeing that its impossible to stop M and P as long as I continue watching Movies and TV and Listening to FM or reading goyishe books. 
2. As I was growing in yidishkeit, i started to realize that this doesnt match with my beliefs anymore. Here I am trying to be a good yid and grow in my Avoda and getting closer to Hashem and here i was transgressing on serious Aveireos every day without realizing, So I made a list of Issurim attached with these behaviors. Ill give some examples. 
Going to the the Theater - ובחוקותיהם לא תלכו, יחוד, ולא תתרו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם, חילול השם, ודברת בם ולא בדברים בטלים.
Watching a Movie- ולא תתרו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם,ודברת בם ולא בדברים בטלים, קול באשה,ונשמרת מכל דבר רע
This is just a small sample, this list is in no way extensive, there are many more Issurim involved. 
So I had no choice but to face facts and see the truth. It was extremally  hard for me, it was my escape and i loved it. But slowly but surely i gave it up. 
It tool a while as i moved slowly and only gave up one thing at a time. But now I dont have a desire to watch anymore. 
Even When i go on a plane or in a hotel with nothing to do, I will look for an only watch Cartoon or National Geo or similar. My wife plotzes from me....
Sometimes i will slip in hotel and while scrolling see something and will not go away, Im not a tzaddik! But overall its possible to overcome this addiction as well. 

So Good for you that you realize that there it nothing there and the Goyishe world is soooo deep in the garbage its disgusting and you realize that a erliche yid such as yourself has no business interacting with them. 
Real authentic yidishkeit is soooo pure and beautiful its a waste not to live in it while we are still alive......