Amazing!!! Keep up the great work!

Keep up the good fight! You are amazing!
yes the longer you go without giving in and fantasizing willingly your brain will slowly but surely get used to it.
regarding surfing, I think you are confusing with diffusion.
surfing is when you watch the desire increase and then subside it’s so that you don’t get overwhelmed by the desire.
diffusion on the other hand means that you are training your brain to step back and see the desire as an outside idea that’s not connected to you, so that you are able to walk away without fighting your own brain.

it seems that you are starting to get the hang of it. Remember the longer you go and the more times you actually remind yourself that the desire is not you but and outside force that you can distance your self from, it’ll will make a difference! Every little practice makes a difference. 

@chancy Thanx for your continued support.
I think you're right that I'm confusing diffusion and urge surfing. I think that I "get" diffusion for the most part, but for some reason urge surfing just isn't processing. Maybe I don't fully understand it yet.
Shouldn't diffusion be enough to keep me from getting overwhelmed by an urge? It seams to me that urge surfing is just a "playful" but unnecessary way to experience the urge.
Without diffusion, I'm assuming that you'll have a pretty hard time urge surfing because you're still stuck fighting your own brain, and the urge won't really subside since you feel it as a very real part of you (true?). But once I diffuse myself from the urge, there's no reason to get overwhelmed by it anymore, and I can just let it subside. To view an urge as a wave I guess makes sense, because it actually does rise and fall like a wave, and you'll be viewing the urge accurately, because those are the facts. But if I instead  just view it as an outside force that's "just there" but will go away if I don't fight it, it still doesn't make it any harder, since I'm not overwhelmed by it anyways.
What's the whole "avodah" of and how does it help for me to go out of my way to see and "feel" it as a wave?

I see that you underarnd diffusion better so just stick with that for a while. 
Deffusion iteself was a real game changer for me. 
It doesnt take so fast but you can get your brain to realize that its an outside force and you are in control and you can actually feel like you are stepping back. 
For example, if you see something arousing, instead of getting all riled up and thinking "Oh im so aroused now, i need to feel more of this right now! i need to get all into this feeling" and then you end up getting lost, so instead of that you can think like this " I understand that i just saw something that feels good, i know why my brain feels like this, becuase i fed it years and years a diet of this drug and therefore that what it wants, but i know better now and this is not what I want and therfore i am moving on" So you feel like you step out of your brain and into the real life. 
The further you can step from the thought, the easier it becomes. 
Untill now "I want this, this is so good, i cant fight it, its me"
Now Option 1 "My mind thinks it wants this"
Option 2 "i realize that im having a thought that my mind wants this" You can see that this is another step away from the thought.....


Good luck. 

I'm BH holding by day 18 and bli ayin hara goin strong!
Just a question here.....
I just had my 3rd wet dream this week. I know that I didn't bring them on and there's nothing to get down about. I know that I'm not supposed to pay any attention to them, they just mean that my brain is processing that I'm not masturbating anymore.
In the past, whenever I had a good streak, I would have a wet dream on average, once a week. I can only think of a handful of times where it happened like this that I got em literally every other night without letup.
They're just annoying and I was wondering if there's a reason why this time it's different that they don't stop coming? Is there anything I can do to make them stop? Or this is normal and I have to stop obsessing over it (I know, Reb HHM you pick this one ).

Hi Yosef,
Glad to hear you are growing and keeping strong. 
Regarding Wet dreams- Dont worry about them, it only makes them happen more if you do. Just go to the mikva if you can and say Tikun Haklalai (Im not Breslov, but i trust Reb Nachmen)
What you can do, I  have a ton of stuff here, ill share a few. 
Dont eat too much of the following, Garlic, Onions, Eggs, Fatty foods.
Learn right before going to bed, especially mishnayos. 
Read Krias Shema of the Arizal,
Say the first four chapters of Tehilim. 

You can also practice Kegal exercises to strengthen your muscles so they dont just release stuff without your express written permission....


Good Luck 

Could be the YH is getting anxious..

chancy wrote on 02 Mar 2023 15:52:

I would add not to go to bed on an overfull stomach.

Yosef Hamevakesh wrote on 02 Mar 2023 10:37:

Gevaldig! Amazing, my friend! When I started my journey, a few days later I had vivid sexual dreams of things I never wanted, with people I knew, it was crazy. And it shook me up. Like right now, when I'm leaving this garbage? I never had such dreams before, and all of a sudden this happened. So HHM told me, and I'm sure he told you the same, your subconscious mind got the message. For years I told myself that I won't but deep down I wanted it, until I dug even deeper down and told myself in no uncertain terms that I was never going back. I'm done. Bye! I don't want it! At all! And the mind rebels. The mind was always soothed because it knew that it would get it one day, it always knew the possibility exists, and here we said no way anymore. I have been following your posts, my holy friend, and it sounds to me that you are in a really good place, and your mind is just processing the goodbye you've said. So keep it up, don't think about it much, and KEEP TRUCKING!

jackthejew wrote on 02 Mar 2023 16:51:

Thanx guys for the suggestions, and to everyone for your continued support! It really helps.
I actually already say the first 4 פרקים of תהילים, and krias shema she'al hamita (is this diff than krias shema of the arizal?) before I go to sleep. I guess I'll keep the other suggestions in mind, and do my best to just move on and let my subconscious mind catch up on his own time if it happens again.....

In other news, today was a pretty hard day. I didn't have much of a productive day, and I'm having pretty strong urges. I'm finding that bh I'm getting pretty used to looking away from places that I shouldn't look, and it's bh getting easier. What I'm not yet used to doing is to not keep thinking and fantasizing about what I see. I'm trying very hard to not fantasize, and bh I'm getting better at it, but I feel like it's taking a lot out of me. Since my natural reaction is to keep thinking about what I see, even if I don't fight the thought, instead I try to focus on something else till the thought passes, it's still a lot of work to not think about something that I'm craving and that my brain will naturally continue thinking about. I think that the fact that I need to constantly be on my guard is starting to become a bit of a burden. Maybe I am fighting the thoughts more than I realize. Idk.

Either way, what's Keepin me goin is that I'm holding onto the thought that I don't actually need to give in to the urge. I only feel like this because over the years, this is what I convinced my brain to think is what I need. If I hold out, I'll stop feeling like I need it, and it'll get easier in the long run.
Also, I'm בלע"ה clean for 19 days now. The same way I was able to stay clean for the past close to three weeks because I didn't need it, I don't need it now.
With Hashems help, I will stick this out and גם זה יעבור.

Reb yosef, we are all blown away by your incredible resolve to hold strong in these extremely difficult challenges. 

I fell twice over shabbos.
For the past few days, I kept getting really strong urges. I kept trying to remember that I don't need to give in to the urge and it's only so intense because this is what I created for myself over the years of giving in, but if I hold out, it'll pass, and get easier over time. This actually did help and the urges pretty much went away when I ignored them.

Eventually, they just started getting really strong and kept coming back every few minutes even after I did my best to ignore them. Since it was shabbos, I couldn't call anyone (which I for sure would've done, and it prob would've helped a lot), and I didn't have anything to distract myself with (I did try learning a bit but my head wasn't into it then), and it was at a time when no one was around to shmooze with. I was kinda lost about what to do, and I think the fact that I was trying really hard to not get caught up in the urges, but that didn't stop them from coming back every few minutes even stronger, was too much for me, and I felt like I couldn't keep putting in my energy to fight it anymore, and I caved in. This was on Friday night.

After I fell, I really felt like just throwing in the towel and doing it again. I started getting pretty vivid images flooding my brain. BH, at that point, I decided not to give in, and I kept making sure not to get caught up in the thoughts, and was able to stay clean for the rest of Fri nite.

On shabbos day the same thing happened, that I kept getting really strong urges that didn't stop coming back, even after I let them pass. These urges were like 10 times stronger than the ones on Fri nite. I don't know why, but eventually I got overwhelmed and masturbated again.

I'm just wondering if I'm doing something wrong or this is normal. I really can't think of anything that I would do different next time that I have an I urge. I really think that I gave the fight all I got, and I had a bunch of small wins on the way, but eventually, the YH got me. Even though I think that I understand diffusing urges pretty well,  I guess that at where I'm holding now, I can't expect myself to be able to do it every time. It takes a lot of practice to master, and if I keep at it, I'll get better at it. Idk. Maybe one of you veterans can let me know what you think.

As an aside, I'm also wondering (and this is not weighing on my mind, I'm just curious) what y'all think about falling twice very close together. Looking back, after a lot of times that I fell, I would get super strong urges afterwards, and I would fall again pretty quickly.
This past time (also the time before where a similar thing happened and I fell twice over shabbos), I decided to get back up after the first fall, so I don't think that the urges the second time were caused by me feeling low and not interested in fighting.
This is just a pattern that I found with myself, and was wondering if anyone else experiences this and what you think about it.

Be'h you can get right back on the horse.

I have fallen multiple times in quick succession many times. I'm sure that it's normal. I can think of a few reasons for it:

1) Once you have fallen, your yetzer tells you "this is the type of person you are" So you do it again
2) Once you've fallen, your yetzer tells you that it doesn't matter if you fall again, because now that you're feeling low, you won't feel any lower if you do it again, so you might as well enjoy
3) Your yetzer tells you that you're not ready to start fighting again. You might as well do it again now while you can still enjoy it, before you start striving again
4) The gr'a says that doing any aveira brings a ruach tuma which doesn't rest until you do the aveira again

Whatever the reason may be, it's for sure because the yetzer has special tricks in that scenario. Knowing what they are and how to respond can help. So for responses (do whatever works for you, I'm just thinking 'out loud')
1) You are NOT this kind of person. Just because you fell doesn't mean you have to take on a new identity. You're the same m'vakesh k'dusha you were before. After all, you only became Yosef HaMevakesh after having fallen, so you can still be Yosef HaMevakesh now
2) Downright lie! Doing it again will ABSOLUTELY make you feel worse. Maybe much worse
3) There's no reason not to start right away! Should you wait to do something which will make you a happier person whos closer to Hashem? Even while you're doing the aveira you don't have to be off the 'derech', it's just a ruach shtus taking over for a few minutes (Not sure about this point)
4) This one is not so much a taana as it is a discomfort. Maybe the eitza is weighing the discomfort against the discomfort you will feel when you do it.

One more thing - is there someone who you can talk to in person about your struggle, who you could go seek out? I know you said there was no one to speak to, but I'm just wondering if there's some door you could knock on in this scenario? 

Hatzlacha Rabba
SimchasTorah

Yosef Hamevakesh wrote on 04 Mar 2023 18:10:


Sad for the pain your going through;
Shabbes is for some (me included) a very challenging day.
No work, no electronic communication, there is a lot of extra time and people get dressed extra nice on shabbes in both sides of the mechitza.

Planning ahead can help a lot. 

For me the biggest fight is to get up right after a fall, and not to let one fall lead to a second third or chv worse.
If you are on 90 day chart, then you can get such a feeling after you fell, to go porn and masturbate for the rest of the day...… but we know that its NO good for us.

Hey Yosef HaTzaddik, I'm sorry for the hard time and the falls. But I'm so happy that you sound like you are right back in and ready to fight! That's the way we must be, remember that the whole idea of the streak is a tool to help incentivize, it is not the goal. The goal, the accomplishment, is each day on its own. And even if we get to 90 days, the YH does not go to sleep. It does not make the fall easier to handle, but it helps us get back up when we internalize that life is about ups and downs. So don't worry about your fall too much, and keep trucking! I would add, it does seem like Shabbos brings you its share of struggles, so maybe you can think of a GYE friend that lives within walking distance that you can reach out to, and arrange with him to 'be on call'. This way you can feel comfortable going over and talking it through. My friend, your resolve is an inspiration, so keep sharing and keep soaring!