Hello all.  I am new to the site.  I have been aware of GYE for quite a while but had come to terms with the “fact” that I am too deep into my secret life so I might as well embrace that side of me. For the past many years I have had a “live and let live”relationship with the two sides of me.  I recently committed to make a number of serious positive changes in my life.  It took about 3 weeks of having “set up GYE account “ on my to do list, but I finally did it!  It will be a slow process for me.  I will definitely need to get a personal therapist as well.  

I am looking forward to being able to share more, both about my struggles and about my journey to recovery. At this point I only have the struggles and I am waiting for further guidance before I post more about that. I don’t think the details are appropriate for an open forum and I don’t want to trigger anyone else by talking about my past activities.  On the other hand to truly obtain the support I need it is important for people to know where I am coming from.

 I am in my 50s and Bh have children and extended family to whom I am quite close. It pains me to have had to keep this secret from them for so many years. So far, they all respect me.  I am a very caring, thoughtful and good natured guy.  Would I lose their respect if they knew this other side of me?

I have tried to stop in the past without any success.  There have been many times that I deleted my accounts and passwords etc. it never lasted.     I really feel that things are different now and that the opportunity is ripe for success. The tools available to me are way beyond anything that has been available in the past.  I have more menuchas hanefesh then I can remember. (I daven that this is not the calm before the storm). 

I am not guaranteed success and there is a part of me that does  not believe it is possible.  I listened to today’s boost and I could not even bring myself imagine what success feels like.  (I did appreciate the part about hashem being with us in the struggle) I don’t remember what it feels like to be pure.  I am an emotional person and I am tearing up as I write this. 

please feel free to comment or question. I am hoping to build positive relationships and appreciate any support I can get. I could go on for a long time but I just realized that it’s already over a half hour that I have been working on this post. Sorry for rambling and thank you in advance.  

Vehkam wrote on 16 Dec 2021 13:36:

omg! welcome; sorry to hear all that. were you writing your story or mine? i'm not sure if there is one sentence above that does not apply to me; perhaps the emotional part. may this be a new beginning for you.

from nauru - od-n aiwo hotel

i really appreciate the reply.  amen to new beginnings.  its about two months since i made this commitment.  i have been very busy and therefore bh was not really tested yet even though i haven't implemented any specific program...(i can't remember the last time i went more than two or three weeks)

So just an update. I had a very good conversation with Yaakov. He encouraged me to get in touch with Relief for a therapist referral. I was able to set up an appointment with them on their website. They are backlogged so the appointment is not until January. Bh I am doing well and looking forward to moving along in this process. I am very appreciative of the daily boosts.

Welcome. It is inspiring that you are coming forward with this after so many years. People do BH get better.  You write about this as if you are the only guy your age who is close with his children and is respected that is living this contradiction. Unfortunately, it is quite common. You are probably a great fellow who does many wonderful things and is judging himself exclusively based on his actions in this arena. Being that this issue is awkward to discuss, many guys fall into a serious bad habit and have tremendous yi'ush as the days and weeks move along. So it is not even fair to measure this fellow based on an issue that he thinks he has no control over.  B'ezras Hashem, here, and in therapy, you will learn how to rewire your thinking and appreciate yourself while getting clean. Hatzlocha.

Thanks.  I was just trying to paint a picture of myself.  I hope it did not come across as if I think I am the only one suffering who is respected and close to my family etc… 

Wow. It’s seven weeks since I wrote this. I just reread it and I cannot believe how much my perspective has improved. Just seven weeks ago a part of me questioned if success was even possible for me! It is still the beginning of my journey and I can never let my guard down - on the other hand I am now tearing up at how far I have come. Thanks to all the Chevra here especially those who reached out in person via private message