strugglingWithMyself wrote on 13 Nov 2021 22:16:


1- While other's might be on a certain level of kedusha, at the same time you can be on a much higher level because of all the difficulties and challenges you had to go through. 

2- 
כי מי־גוי גדול אשר־לו אלהים קרבים אליו כה' אלהינו בכל־קראנו אליו
(דברים פרק ד פסוק ז)
Talking to Hashem is a practice meant for the entire day!
To illustrate, a husband and wife don’t only to speak with each other during limited times; they speak all the time with each other, on an ongoing basis. The home would be unlivable if they wouldn’t speak to each other all the time.
People are with others all the time and socialize with others; we understand that we can naturally speak to other people all the time. So, too, we have a nature to speak with Hashem – and not because it’s an “avodah”, but because it’s our soul’s nature!

3-  The diagnostic criteria for a lust addiction is often vague and subjective. However, several defining features have been suggested: 
- Lust dominates the person's life to the exclusion of other activities.
- Lust activities may be inappropriate and risky .
- The constant urge for lust is typically interspersed with feelings of regret, anxiety, depression, or shame.
- The person engages in other forms of lust when alone, (like: phone, porn, etc.)
- The person engages in lust with multiple partners and/or has extramarital affairs.
- The person masturbates habitually when alone.

I fell again a few hours ago.
Had an unfiltered device.
Watched some stuff that I haven't seen for a while
In two minds right now
I feel terrible - that's not what I should do, all the reasons I should stop
On the other hand - I enjoyed it
It felt good
I could escape from the world
(Ironically it was a great escape from my other falls)
Whats to do?

I was just thinking that in this parsha, Yakov stayed alone and suddenly the angel started fighting with him.
It seems that being in a struggle alone is a recipe for failure. 
PLEASE get someone in "real life" that can help you with accountability. 
As we all know, I'll say it again: 

The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

I'm happy to find someone to stay in contact with. Unfortunately, my father may not be so happy to find a conversation with a stranger about these issues on my phone - I already hide a lot of GYE, from him.
Maybe next year in yeshivah, I can do something. But until then, there is little I can do - I think.

Buddy, you are completely normal. all of these conflicting thoughts are commonplace in guys trying to break free. Please do not panic. Accept yourself and move on. 

If your relationship with your father is a healthy one, and you are confident that your father is caring and devoted to your well being, read the next paragraph:

Why not speak straight to your father about this and ask him to help you find a local mentor who deals with this stuff. every yeshiva nowadays has someone (Boruch Hashem for that). Your father will not look down at you for being honest about an issue that he knows most guys struggle with. Not having to hide removes so much unnecessary tension. After an initial uncomfortable conversation, iyh you will have much more menuchas hanefesh.

DAY 1!
I'm gonna post days here for a bit - hopefully the extra accountability will help me stay strong, in this cycle I'm in right now of falling.
I haven't spoken to my father yet, although I am working up the courage to someday hopefully.
I am organising to speak to a rebbe about this again (I have spoken to him before). Will see what happens.
Also, I am planning on spending some time writing a full  CBA (Cost-Benefit Analysis) to see if it will help.
Im yirtzeh hashem very soon I will be a GYE success story - fully clean, and helping others. 
Thanks to everyone who reached out to me.
struggling

I am starting my CBA.
Unfortunately, I went somewhere with unfiltered devices, but I wasn't supposed to be there for long, and I had things to do, and people I needed to see. Then unexpected things happened, and I had to stay and use the device (for a kosher purpose). Unfortunately, something didn't work, and I was waiting for something to load, and I wanted to masturbate. I held back for a long time and didn't masturbate, but I did read some things and look at one or two pictures before turning it off. I didn't even manage to download what I needed. 

That night I told my yetzer "I will only masturbate in two minutes" a few times, but in the end, I gave in.

I'm so impressed at myself for succeeding for those minutes.

Starting again. the count

strugglingWithMyself wrote on 23 Nov 2021 12:38:

Something I learned in my life is that nothing "just happens" out of the blue. More often than not, the challenging situations appear because I allowed them to, or better yet I INVITED them to happen (whether I want to admit it or not).
What I need to do is be conscious of my realities. What are my challenges, what's my pattern etc. and then plan accordingly.

It's a good point. I agree somewhat - I should have left earlier, but on the other hand, I did have to go to this place. I might make some sort of taphsic about touching these devices, but I will see.

strugglingWithMyself wrote on 23 Nov 2021 21:36:

I don't know what the right move forward needs to be. But I can tell you that for me this recognition that tempting/challenging situations don't exist in a vacuum is a HUGE piece of the puzzle! 

Wishing you much hatzlacha!

@Shmuel, I know what you mean. Will have to work on that.
On the other hand, had to use a less filtered computer than usual, but I emailed HHM, and after, and managed to stay clean (although I didn't do any work in that lesson)

Day 1

Lots of exam stress and bad feelings for various reasons. My laptop broke - so I need to use less filtered computers sometimes. Almost had a fall on a friend's computer.
Won't be online for a bit, coz my laptop is broken. Feeling like I'm ok for a few days. WIll try and post/email someone when I have a big challenge. 
Will talk to a rebbe soon - now an appointment is set up, so will see if I can fix up some issues in my life

day 3!

strugglingwithmyself

Unfortunately, I fell. Not watching but I was lying in bed and said to myself "What's wrong with this anyway?" and then I masturbated.

I wrote up a CBA - I couldn't think of anything else, so please tell me if I am missing something:

Watching:

Pros:

• Feels good

• Removes stress

• Break from problems

• Releases sexual tension

Cons:

• Cheating on my (future) wife

• Leads to masturbation
  Against the Torah

• Wastes time

• Does Not fit with the values I believe in

Masturbation:

Pros:

• Feels good

• Releases sexual tension

• Allows me to ignore problems

• Allows me to ignore real life

Cons:

• Cheating on my (future) wife

• Against the Torah

• Feels horrible after 

• Wasting time

• Leads to lying to parents, and causes lots of problems

• Does Not fit with the values I believe in

I spoke to my rebbe. I have worked out a plan for reducing stress from schoolwork, and for sleeping better. will see what happens

More important than the advice you received - which will iyh help, is the fact that you spoke to your rebbi. Opening up about this to a caring individual is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal against this yetzer hara. Receiving reassurance that you are normal and erlich, as well as hearing that guys actuall break free, and having someone to share with in the future, makes this "monster" into a pesky fly. Ashreichem!