Thank you so much all for your chizuk. Baruch Hashem moving forwards again!

Has been a while since I last posted thought would write down some thoughts..

It has been an up and down journey for me over the past few months. Baruch Hashem has been a while since my last proper fall (Feb 9th) but there have been a number of times where I build up a number of good weeks and then have a "mini fall" where I let myself go and then catch myself, my "letting go" though is still bad enough to have to reset my counter. I am working on this inyan with my partner and BH making progress. This week I am zocher to go shabbos to shabbos clean which is very important to me and I am now looking forward to welcoming the Malachei Hashareis. Ironically this last week I have had the opportunity many times to view inappropriate material. What has helped me is the number of barriers (Taphsic with a Knas i would rather avoid) I have put in place and the promise to text my partner before and after using an unfiltered device should the emergency need arise that I need to use it.

As I continue on this journey in my head are etched the words from Rav Moshe Weinberger Shlita.. the words he repeats again and again "Stay in the Milchomo.. never give up". I have been Zocher to listen to literally thousands of hours of shiurim from him and if there are two messages that come through time and time again one is this one and the other is the continual question "Where is Hashem in my life". I feel so connected to the Torah that he teaches and the way that he gives over his shiurim. I can have a conversation with a work colleague and then forget the fellows name within 5 minutes but listen to a vort from Rav Moshe and somehow it sticks!

Anyhow wanted to wish this Chashuv and holy Olam a wonderful Shabbos. All of us here are in the milchomo, even if we only have a few wins and lots of war scars. iyH over time we will heal from all those injuries we have sustained in this ongoing battle for Kedusha and Kirvas Hashem.

Today is day 32.. it has special significance to me given its the gematria of Lev. The eyes might be the window to our desires but the heart is the fire. For the past 32 days BH this "fire" has been turned more towards Hashem. I need Him too much in my life right now to give in to my yetzer. I know as soon as i do that Hashem will move back and i will lose the tremendous siyata dishmaya that i need right now. Selfish or not I am using this as a catapult to help me say no when my ratzon says yes... We need to use all the tools we can in this fight.. 

iyH bring on 33... 

At 3200 days you'll share with us the mispar katan...

taherlibeinu wrote on 17 Jul 2023 15:57:

Wanting Hashem in your life isn't selfish.
It is the realization of what life itself really is. Wanting to be truly alive isn't selfish at all!
The pull to other things that makes us feel "alive" is only a hollow and false replacement....
Reading what you wrote is a Chizzuk.
Hang in there, friend, day at a time.
You are special and you will get there!!

The Nesivos Shalom says that one of the reasons great tzaddikim don't sin is because they cant bear the thought of feeling distant from Hashem. It sounds like you are on that path, not "being selfish". Keep growing! 

Thank you all for your replies. I want you to know that i was feeling very low this morning and close to giving in. Reading these has pushed me back to reality. Thank you thank you thank you.

Slipped on Wednesday with the computer, BH caught myself but it was a slip nonetheless and I need to restart my count. BH it has not turned into a fall and I am moving forwards. Proud of how I am not letting it drag me down but on the other hand very frustrated and annoyed to have lost myself in the first place. In this world the fight is constant.. we just keep moving forwards. I was thinking about how i will face the Ribon Haolam over Yomim Noraim, I have given in more times this year then the last so I feel worse for wear.. but the truth is this, I will never stop fighting for His corner. I have made it my mission to keep trying to close the gap.. I am probably going to lose battles along the way because I am human and thats what sometimes happens, but I will never give up. There is no time to wallow in guilt, no point spending time think about what has happened as that is now in the past, now is time to move on.

WIshing this holy and special olam a wonderful shabbos and good Chodesh.

taherlibeinu wrote on 11 Aug 2023 12:17:

Instead of being frustrated and annoyed, you should be PROUD and celebrate the fact that you're a human being that has temptations and you're putting up such a great fight in the difficult battle. Instead of viewing a slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Many people lapse or relapse, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this slip won’t be in vain.  

@taherlibeinu how have you been?

@frank.lee Thank you so much for reaching out and apologies for such a late reply.



Baruch Hashem I have been doing well. I have had a couple of small slips over the last month but BH no falls, annoyingly one slip was last week. Thankfully I caught myself so I reset my count to keep me honest and am just moving on from it. Selichos for me has surprisingly been very inspiring, I went to selichos on Motzei Shabbos which I found so moving it has transported me into another world and am trying my best to stay there! Apart from being completely exhausted Its been so hectic getting things ready here and at Shul etc I don't feel ready for RH but who is.. I am however looking forward to spending time with the Ribbono Shel Olam over the next few days, to focus on my tefillos and forget everything around me. I feel the responsibility to Daven for my wife and family. The reality is though the few minutes of genuine Tefillos that my wife manages is at least ten times more powerful then anything I can muster.. 



Wishing this special, holy olam a K'siva V'Chasima Tova, May Hashem answer all your tefilos and iyH this time next year we will all look back and be proud of what we have achieved. iyH no more slip ups.. no more I did it again. no more feeling so low.. Instead lets run towards the Ribono Shel Olam, lets run like we have never run before and never look back. Lets never underestimate the power of genuine Tefilla, genuine tears, genuine growth. Now is the time.. 

I want to share this with the Chevra.. I had the zechus to listen to this shiur over and over again recently.. I didn't recognize Rav Moshes voice initially as it is from 1996 but the words.. wow.. such a shiur i couldn't stop listening.. sometimes with all these inyanim I need to remind myself about gadlus Haadam.. www.yutorah.org/lectures/826524/Shavuos-%E2%80%93-The-Unbelievable-Power-Of-Man-To-Affect-The-Heavens 

This one.. if time is short listen to the last 30 minutes..  wonderful story of the Rishiner.. ztl
www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecturedata/1066016/TorahThe-Tree-of-Life,-Not-Just-a-Way-of-Life

May these messages from Rav Weinberger inspire us to a special YK and a wonderful year ahead.. 

Last night i was tempted.
Last night i felt like i wanted to give in.
BH BH Last night i was strong
BH BH this morning i woke up pure.

Funnily enough in shul today i was given Hagbah. its the chance to hold and hug the torah hakedosha. Usually after i fall i can't touch the sefer torah for a week, its something in built within me.. But this morning i hugged it. Or it was hugging me, or maybe both..

Have a wonderful day

taherlibeinu wrote on 19 Oct 2023 12:13:

HERO!!!

Small slip up last night BH caught myself but it was bad enough to mandate a reset. 

Disappointed is an understatement but drawing a line and moving on. It doesn't define who I am. iyH will get right back up again.

Moving forwards and upwards. Thank you Hashem for another opportunity.