taherlibeinu wrote on 29 Dec 2022 10:46:

Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing. May you have continued success. 

Not much to update but posting nonetheless.. Baruch Hashem another clean week. Was a little bit of a bumpy ride as one night I was inches from giving in. Baruch Hashum for a phone call from "heaven" which allowed me to take a step back and message my partner. Struggling at some points during the day with invasive inappropriate thoughts but i guess this is part of the recovery process. 

Sof Kol Sof still clean and looking forward to being Mekabel Shabbos B'kedusha V'tahara. To say Shalom Aleichem to the Malachim tonight and not be embarrassed. To look at my family tonight and feel pride and joy within myself. Tov L'Hodos L'Hashem. I post enough about my failures on this forum so its nice to post when things have gone well too. 

Wishing this special, special Olam, full of tremendous Tzaddikim Nistarim, a wonderful Shabbos. 

HI Everyone,

Firstly I just want to echo much of what has been said. This is a tremendous site. Tremendous Yashar Koach to those who founded it. 

I just want to share my story. I hope it will help people as well as myself. I am in my 30's with BH an incredibly loving family... but my story begins way before then.. 

I grew up back in the late 90's/0's in what can probably be defined as a modern orthodox home. Back then the internet was just coming to the forefront. There wasn't such a thing as a filter on both TV or computer (not that it is an excuse!) download speeds were about 3KB! Unfortunately there was still pornography.. I quickly became completely hooked acting out most days. In fact throughout my teenagehood i don't think once i went from Shabbos to Shabbos without slipping up. Somehow at the same time i grew in Yiddishkeite, I had this tremendous thirst for learning Torah and closeness to the Ribbono Shel Olam, i went through incredible highs of learning and focusing on Limud Hatorah and then a fall.. a cycle which am sure you are familiar with. 
Like you all i didn't want to let anyone know about it so i suffered in silence. Throughout Yeshiva (which i did much better - went nearly 2 months at one point with no fall) and then after.. I went through a lot in my early 20's but my addiction was always with me.. In Yeshiva i met with a Rabbi/Physcologist and discussed this issue but it didn't really help.

As i have grown up I realise how this is so much a part of me but at the same time not. I am able at sometimes to go long periods without acting out and then all of a sudden i fall.. as an addict - and yes that is exactly what i am - i know that the only way i have a chance is to completely limit my access to such material. I don't have a smart phone and my laptop has webchaver installed which my wife gets emails for. It took me so long to get this installed but it is amazing to know that someone is looking at what i look at and it really helps stop the urge. Yet somehow there seems to always be a way for me to fall.. for example yesterday i came across my wifes old Iphone.. whilst i didn't go the full way i had a complete fall in terms of what i saw. I threw away the old charger so for now i cannot use it again but i will also remove the phone. 

Despite these fallbacks I am determined to succeed. The greatest power the Yetzer Harah has is one of despair. Don't ever let it fool you into thinking you are too far gone.. 

I wanted to list out some of the things that helped me.. You will know most if not all of them but just in case it helps is worth mentioning.

1) Make it as difficult as possible to access pornographic material. Many of my sudden urges all come because i realise there is an "opening" to see something inappropriate. If you close the loophole often the urges might not come as often or as strong. This is absolutely critical - without this we are not giving ourselves the chance we deserve. Not having a smartphone is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Do not think for one minute it will impact your Parnassah. He who gives Parnassah is perfectly able to give me what i need without requiring a smartphone. 
2) Have hobbies, be involved in other things.. whether it is a board for a charity/shul or chavruta or seeing friends. especially if you are single fill your day and give yourself less of a chance. 
3) I keep a Cheshbon Hanefesh, i try each day to write in it and i keep track of how many days there. I list my goals and thank Hashem for everything each day. It is a very powerful tool. Accountability is also important, if i fall i try give Tzedaka afterwards and i fast half day on the following Sunday. These are not extreme things but i make sure to do them as a form of Teshuva. After that i move on.
4) Rav Moshe Weinberger Shlita has incredible shiurim on this topic. He has a Chaburas Yosef Hatzadik which deals precisely with this inyan. There is also a hidden gem of a shiur on YU torah which he has about this - www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/914698/rabbi-moshe-weinberger/kedusha-is-it-within-our-reach/ I cannot recommend this highly enough. I try jogging at least twice a week and i often listen to this shiur  
5) I am talking to myself here -- Remember He who put you on this world gave you this challenge. He knows you and He has given you the kochos you need to win this battle. One day you will have to go back to him with to paraphrase Ki Tzavo "Your Basket of fruit" all your Mitzvot and deeds. You have the opportunity whilst here to make a difference, to do so much good. "The day after" i have to remind myself. If Hashem let me wake up today its because He trusts in me. If He didn't want me here He is perfectly able to take me anytime He wills. I am here because He believes in me. Its time to believe in myself also.
6) Daven, Daven and Daven some more. Hashem is here to help, He wants to help us. I pray He gives me strength and may He help you too. 

For me my next step is to seriously take on the 90 day challenge.. 30 days has been my average period recently apart from the odd time over Pesach when i went 50+ days, my last fall yesterday was 21 days which is not good. One day at a time but for me bring on 90 days! I pray that with the Ribbono Shel Olam's help i will achieve this.. 90 days takes me to Tuesday 30th November. Please Hashem help me to get there. 

If you are still reading.. thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. BH you should be matzliach in your own Nisyonos. May Hashem grant us all a Shana Tova Umetuka.

Baruch Hashem another week clean.. Small wins in a big battle.. looking forward to welcoming the Malachei Hashareis soon..

Wishing this Olam full of Tzaddikim Elyonim a wonderful shabbos

"Daven, Daven and Daven some more. Hashem is here to help, He wants to help us. I pray He gives me strength and may He help you too."

I love this... thank you!!! ♥️