Day 30... just keep swimming
I had a tough day yesterday and felt for a moment like reverting to old ways. Then i remembered the tzaddikim on this forum who discussed how they were down but came through, I reminded myself this is the Yetzer Hora and ploughed on.. Baruch Hashem one day at a time.

I wanted to note something - I sometimes don't think about the positives enough:

Its amazing to wake up and feel pure
Its amazing to have a close connection to Hashem
Its amazing not to feel like you are hiding something from your wife and kids
Its amazing to be able to feel close to them and people around you.
Its amazing to be able to FEEL... not to be walking around numb.
Its amazing not to lose yourself in the world of the basement.
Its amazing to be able to cry tears of emotion, of connection and joy not pain.
Its amazing to connect to Hashem in this way and not feel embarrassed and leave davening early because you just can't take the connection right now.

How many days have i not felt this way, i have lost count. But thats not important. Keep looking forward one day at a time..

Have a wonderful day.

great post.  you nailed it with every single one of those thoughts.  YOU are amazing!

Beautiful, thank you

Thank you very much taherlibeinu for this entire thread. Especially this most recent post. Something that seems underused (at least to me) is this idea of positive reinforcement. Not pushing yourself by thinking about how much I do not like the bad feelings, or how much I want to do better, but rather reminding myself of all the good feelings that I can only have when I am not in the mud.

Keep it up and keep us posted with these types of thoughts.

Yesterday was a hard day.

In truth its been a hard few days/week and was getting harder as i went but peaked massively yesterday. I felt so overwhelmed with desireI I was sure i was going to fall..  It felt like i was battling 44 days worth of fights in one moment! In the most Tzanua way i can describe I wasn't able to stand properly at mincha i was that overwhelmed (how or what i davened i do not know). At one point i threw myself face first onto my bed and begged Hashem to help me - i looked at myself in the mirror and had that raw feeling of desperation. I felt like i was about to fall. BH i reached out throughout the day to my GYE partner and Chasdei Hashem I didn't fall. I should note here that this is not the normal outcome.. usually when i have this Yetzer there is only one outcome and it is not the sort of one where you feel like you can connect to Hashem the next day..

It made me realise the power of a partner. Part of the reason why i didn't fall was that i didn't want to have the conversation with my partner to let him know i fell - there was a level of accountability finally in my life. I realise that when I am in that zone i need a connection to someone outside the zone to help me through.. I couldn't have done it alone, its that simple. My desire was too strong.. I was willing to give it all up then and give in.  Thank you GYE for the tzaddikim on this site. 

I am only half way to 90 days.. there is a very long way to go.. I will take each day as it comes.. I hope and pray though that I don't have to have another day like yesterday anytime soon though. 

taherlibeinu wrote on 08 Jun 2022 17:00:

This is an amazing testimonial for the power of accountability! Stay connected and Hashem will help you get freed from the bad desires. 

That is so amazing.  I think we can all relate to how difficult it is to withstand the challenge when the temptations reaches that level.  Thanks again for reinforcing the importance of having an accountability partner. 

taherlibeinu wrote on 08 Jun 2022 17:00:

Only?!  Why is that deserving of an "only"?

Let's rephrase that "I am BH at 45 days." (The fact that there is a 90 day goal is irrelevant to the daily hatzlacha.  And let's remember that after day 90, the yetzer hara is still alive and well - just not as overwhelming...))

Thank you for that story. It is very inspirational. We see how hard the yetzer hara may fight, but Hashem gives us the strength to overcome him.

Remember this story, and whenever you have have any urges, which you should anticipate, look back at this story, remember how well you fought and the feeling of accomplishment the next day, and it should give you the strength to continue overcome the yetzer hara.

Hodu La'Hashem Ki Tov -  reached 50 days! (Small raise of the bat for those who are Machshiv) This is a milestone for me. Small steps.. small celebrations.. but one day at a time.. As a celebration I will go and buy a nice Iced Coffee and have extra Kavana when i make the Bracha that Hashem should continue to help all of us in this battle.. 

Had one of those weeks where i think the Ribbono Shel Olam decided to have a little fun with me (Which as the Manhig Shel Olam He is perfectly entitled to do!) The string of events happening at the moment is not normal! But what i see is that i am being pushed to a place where i want to act out - BH i will be strong. Possibly this is why all these events are happening.. to try and get me there.. I don't know I can only speculate but what i do know is how i respond to any scenario is within me. Do I turn to the Ribono Shel Olam and ask for His help or do i go down a well trodden path to no good.. This sits with me..

In the meantime.. I'm off for my iced coffee.. 

yay! enjoy your coffee

Thank you. Your thread is inspiring.

Hi, you brought me to tears, I read through your posts, and felt like somebody had access to my whole internal world and was writing them out... Your Neshama on fire longing to be close to our loving father.... full of yearning and desire, wow! You are an inspiration!  So many setbacks and yet such resilience and determination, exposing the beauty of the Neashama of a Yid the way you just did, Thanks for your posts! wishing you from the bottom of my heart much sucsess and mazal tov on your 50th day!

I owe the olam an apology.. I fell last week. So disappointed with myself. I was in this make believe world that if i texted my partner before and after using an unfiltered computer i would be ok, this seemed to work for a while but then it just takes one time for it not too.... I have taken on myself not to use the machine again (which thankfully is not in my house!) where possible and definitely not to be misyached with it.
Ironically looking back the yetzer was not as strong as it was back on day 44 where i felt literally overwhelmed. There was one difference.. then i was not in front of a machine i was away from the front line, this allowed me to reach out to my partner and be strong.. when I am right in the front line even a small push will get me over the edge..  Something for me to take away and learn from. 

However.. I am now 8 days on. Looking ahead and continuing to grow. I'll never give up. Never give up play hard was a mantra i remember seeing on a wallpaper in our house growing up.. Maybe the Ribbono Shel Olam put it there to remind me about this.. 

Wishing you all a good shabbos.

If you got right back up, then apology accepted. Just remember that the main person you need to apologize to is yourself (and Hashem). And remember also to be forgiving.

It is great that you see why this time you fell as opposed to other times and took immediate action.
I would point out something true by me that when I feel the strong Yetzer Hara, I know to fight it. But when I do not feel the Yetzer Hara as strongly, I would just forget myself. When we are overconfident in where we stand and are not aware of the yetzer hara, it is easy to fall.