I have a chavrusah and I have made it to shul in the morning for shacharis. 

I find the more structure my day has the less likely I am to watch things or masturbate.

Last night was difficult sleeping though, I had lucid dreams and I found my hands drifting. It was just a matter of making sure I turned onto my side and put my hands back up around my head.

The halacha to sleep on your side is not kidding around. I have found when I am lying on back my mind is more likely to wonder in a certain direction. In general I do not fight my thoughts like I used to, I tend to guide them away nowadays.

Keeping busy is really important, as is exercise. I recently completed a dead lift session with 5 reps of 213 pounds. 

So I figure, continue learning and continue exercise and that hopefully will keep things in order. 

But dating, dating is hard. Not sure what I am supposed to do. I want to be married. But I am struggling to find anyone to actually date. Learning to be alone is important I know, but it hurts sometimes. I used to travel to date but right now it is not possible for me. I told the shadchanim I will contribute for the girl to fly to me and it did not help at all. What am I supposed to do?! 

Based and redpilled

Cesare wrote on 15 Aug 2021 03:17:

This made me smile. Thank you for the best compliment you could give me!

So, we had a bad weekend. I went away with my brothers and I ended up watching stuff when I was alone.

I also listened to a podcast. The guy in the podcast was talking about his own issues. He mentioned that he was drawn towards women because he was searching for something which he was missing. In his case he was ignored a lot by his mother since his father was sick most of his teenage life.

I can relate, I often find myself talking with women when I get the chance and I find myself thinking of women all the time. 

Do I seek female validation? Do I lack self confidence to be satisfied with myself?

See when it comes down to it how do we view averiah. Is it a flaw in a persons actions, or is it a flaw in oneself. If the flaw is in the action then it should not be hard to sop the action (barring some sort of chemical dependency). If it is a flaw in the person, it could be shallow, the person just does not understand the reason why his actions are bad. However, it could be deep, driven by emotion instead. 

So what drives my lust? Gluttony involves no one else, it is food. But lust involves another person. Lust involves connection with another person. But is that it?

I just don't know, I do feel empty and lost. Every woman I see my mind jumps on. 

My rabbi has suggested I involve myself more with chessed, I think I will try that. Maybe that will help.