Gonna miss you

Baruch hashem I made it back safely with no falls, I had strong urges, but I was aware of them and realized acting out is not the solution.

I'm proud to celebrate 54 days clean with day 50 being on hoshana raba!! Big zchusim!
I'm also really proud to celebrate my 1st elul zman clean in 7 years!!
I'm super proud of myself and if I look at the data, the main thing that changed now how I was able to stay so healthy was because of me posting on the forum and the support I got from the fellow gye chevra, so thanks so much for that, it's incredible how much my life has changed now I that I'm not running to act out whenever I have uncomfortable moments, and I'm able to feel the urges inside of me, and not beat myself up for having these urges rather I can process and accept them, and understand there are beautiful components of my life and part of me being a healthy human male


I love life!


@Parev I'll miss you to in the fellow streets of bais yisroel but I definitely hope to still be in touch!!


I'm going out of town for 2-3 days, I'm going to be alone so I'm texting here for accountability.


Love you all and hope to everyone is recovering from there 3rd 3 day yom tov


Smokey

Shalom Brother,

1 week later, I think the recovery is finally happening 

How are you going?

Hey!
Thanks for checking in
Bh I'm doing amazing!

I'm actually uncovering that yesterday and tonight right before I'm going to sleep like 1am ish I'm having  pretty big urges to masturbate 
I'm trying to uncover why
I didn't see any triggering content and I don't feel like I'm have a build up of uncomfortable and negative emotions 
That just means I need to dig a deeper

Out with going with the flow
And  time to bring in a pen and paper or maybe a mediation to try to uncover what's really going on inside of me.
I'm ready to try to get a bit closer to myself even though there's a big orange sign that says " hard work ahead"
Because I know it's the only way forward and the results are so beautiful and satisfying 


How crazy is it that the furthest distance on Earth is between the mind and the heart, it's frustrating that emotions have to be so complex, but I guess that's what makes us human, and that's what's so beautiful to be a true and proud Eved Hashem in this world,  even though there can be so much confusion.

Trying to get clarity and stay grounded admist the uncertainty, or sometimes a chaotic war zone

peace out and love to you all


Soul Searching ( and finding!!) Smokey 

Hodu lashem ki tov, for getting me to this place!

smokey wrote on 05 Nov 2024 07:16:

Shalom Brother,

How goes the soul finding?

Hey

Long time no speak there's a lot going on by me good and bad and I'm here to share

Bh I'm here celebrating 97 days clean, incredible and insane how I got here, and I couldn't have done without you guys lchaim to many more happy healthy and clean days

I also wanted to share that I got engaged! I didn't get a chance to share right away but it's a big zchus to be sharing the simcha with my fellow brothers over here.

On a other note life sucks right now, I don't have anything productive in my schedule I only settled in to yeshiva a month into the zman because I was "busy' so I don't have any chavrusos, and I need a productive job in the afternoon, I was supposed to be working with kids at a therapy clinic but they don't want me now if I cant commit to long term

We're getting married in Feb bezh which is really exciting, but we'll probably be in the states until after pesach, I'm honestly super frustrated and am not looking forward to the next 4 months if I don't have a productive schedule. I need structure. I thrive and live off it. Because of my abundance of energy and ADHD  it's super hard for me to learn for even one minute without a chavrusa grounding me

I also dont feel comfortable in my yeshiva now when I show up 25 percent of the time, So I'm really not incentivized to show up

This also makes me super vulnerable in the area of kedusha.

It's crazy because I have so much talent and I love working with kids with so much energy to give over and I can't find anything for short term, I don't even know what God wants from me, I literally cannot wake up in the morning if I don't have something to wake up for. What on earth is my Avoida?? super super frustrating.

I was going to write a whole inspirational post on how blessed I am to have made it to 90 days and how I did it but I'm in no mood for that, so sorry, I'm just going to be honest and share that even though I'm 97 days clean, I'm feeling frustrated and not content with life, I'm in a lot of pain and I can barely appreciate how far I came because of the frustration and lack of productivity I have in my life right now.

It's sad but its the real truth, and sometimes it's painful to be real, but I can't see myself doing it any other way.


Thanks for listening.

Signing out

Struggling to succeed  smokey

Baruch hashem I'm doing so much better!!!

I got a chavrusa in the morning and I have some subbing jobs in the afternoon, and I'm trying to workout and hit the gym consistently
Honestly, just expressing my pain on the forum helped me out a lot so thanks for listening 

And now I'm so proud to celebrate 100 days clean!!!
The data in my life clearly shows that the only way I was able to do this now, was because I started being active on the forum, Sharing my pain And struggles in a honest and vulnerable fashion allowed me to feel validated and supported for my struggles, so I thank you guys for allowing me to be me
I'm going in to my marriage bezh confident and aware that there will be challenges but "I got this" it may not be easy but I have the skills and support system to fight the battles I will encounter. I'm proud of the person I am now and am becoming to be, I went from Someone who went straight to hotlines and masturbation whenever I had emotional uncomfortability to someone whose able to ask themselves when a desire hits me, what's going on inside of me? What part of Smokey needs something and is not getting it?I still struggle obviously, but I'm able to be aware that my desires are usually not from a sexual drive and rather from uncomfortable thoughts feelings and emotions.
I thought I needed support and love from a female and that's why I needed to call hotlines but really I needed to support and love myself. Accepting and validating myself for my struggles and doing a reality check with my unrealistic and high expectations has been huge for me, and allowed me to finally feel comfortable with myself.

Huge.

Thanks again to you guys And thank you hashem for helping me get to this place 


Much peace and love from someone who never thought I would ever get here

 Warmest regards,


Sweet and Smiling smokey

So happy to hear you found a way to keep yourself productive and that your doing so good!

Beautiful post. I am in awe over how much you are in touch with yourself. Keep it up!

I'm really struggling

I'm not sure if this appropriate to share to the public but I will anyway because I'm struggling

I'm hanging out with my kallah today and I was overcome with a huge desire to break shomer negiah

Practically I'm not scared we spoke about this before, are both committed and she's really strong in this area

However at the same time it's so hard for me I would call it almost painful, I'm really deeply craving physical connection

I know that the fact that we're shomer now will help us start our marriage on such a healthy foundation however that doesn't make the challenge now easier.

I explained to her that this is a challenge for me and bh she was super understanding and supportive and  we agreed we are going to try minimize the time we spend together for now however right now I'm having really strong desires to masturbate

It's so hard and I don't know what to do

Struggling smokey

The fact that your posting while in the urge shows that your winning this fight. Keep strong!!

I would definitely ask Hashem to help me through this.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

(If you want to chat message me)

Courageous post buddy. Very normal to crave warmth and connection. You will b'ezras Hashem be proud when you come to your wedding day knowing there were no compromises with halacha. 

Life is so frustrating.   

I don't know what to do, how to stay strong, I'm having such strong cravings for women, I don't know what to do, I'm trying to exercise but I have zero motivation to work hard, and put in work 

t's super challenging to live a productive life with ADHD, diabetes and as a engaged guy with so much to do and such a lack of a schedule simultaneously


I hate the way life is right now, I know it will get better bezh, but riding the wave is super painful.

HUG!!!  For comments, see PM.

Life can be frustrating, and sometimes I can be in a lot of pain
Because life's not perfect and we can't always see God's plan amidst the rain

My brain is filled with so many emotions and desires
I wish it came with a manual, to teach us how we're wired

But instructions it came with, and it's called life
You've got to figure it out sometimes it's easy and sometimes with strife

There are a ton of resources from mentors and friends
The library is filled with books, and theres so much inspiration to lend

But nobody can go in your mind
The deep spirit that you feel inside
Only you can feel, process, and find

So this creates a challenge to share what you feel
How can you talk it over if you aren't sure what's real

It's a struggle and a battle because we are limited with speech
We can only articulate what we know, And what's within our vocabularies reach

But If we're not sure what's going on inside
There's so much room for strong emotions to hide

And they can't be expressed or receive any support
Because they are hiding deep inside our guarded fort

From a young age we set boundaries not to let anyone get to close,
Because then we are vulnerable and open to getting hurt the most

So we protect ourselves by not letting down our guard
We set up a big fence Not letting anyone getting in, past our front yard

We let so many emotions and traumas build up, you can almost drown
But we put in a perfect picture so nobody else will frown

Is it blessing or a curse that we don't feel what we are hiding
I'm not sure but it's so sad that we live outside our house, blocked by the siding

This whole path in life comes to a hault
When the young male develops and he starts noticing his faults

Strong sexual desires that can't be suppressed
Why is porn masturbation his outlets, when they keep getting him into a bigger mess
Hours of lectures and mussar just leave him feeling even more depressed
What should he do? This is causing him so much stress

So God with his smart wisdom sends him clarity
There's only one way to battle this journey

Getting in touch with you true inner self
Is there any way to stop living life like an elf

To control your desires you must know where they're coming from
And it's not because you're a lazy bum

It's because of the uncomfortable emotions that nobody ever told you about
But now your precious hormones in you are starting to shout

Doing the work. Maybe the only way to break free
But that will come with a reward of victory

You can finally be at peace and connect your heart and mind
Hashem intended that to happen But you had to go on this journey So it can coincide

So when you're feeling so much pain from your struggle of desire
Remember how much it can help you It can teach you about your inner wires

And the manual to life comes from the falls you go through
So make sure to fully live them and embrace it's virtues

Open up the Torah and make it come alive
Hashem doesn't want you go through the motions, he wants you to thrive

Torah has to be Toras chaim, feeding and igniting your soul,
Even though it can be so hard, at least have that as your main goal

so open up your heart and start feeling whats going on
and keep grinding through life because your killing this marathon

take a deep breath let it all come through,
and remember your a precious Neshama-Hashem loves you!