Can you go for a run or some other vigorous exercise? Get together with a friend? You are not a fraud! You are in the middle of a battle.

How is your mood? Are you sad, depressed or anxious? Try to identify your inner feelings (not the urge).

Realize that every minute you hold back is precious. Dedicate those minutes to something meaningful (e.g. the last five minutes I held out should be a zchus for my best friend who doesn’t have children) and say it out loud.

Focus on the wins- they can never be taken away from you. No matter what happens next. (If you are going to go down make sure you go down fighting )

Do not let the cynicism of the yetzer hara fool you. Deep down you know that while you were level headed you would not listen to him. It’s only now while in the throes of passion that you are allowing the negative thoughts in….

עמו אנכי בצרה

Definitely depressed. And I guess a bit angry at my situation.

Im sure ill apologize for this later wjen I'm feeling more normal but the "you get xredit for every minute" approach doesn't help me. Bc I've been holding this back all day. So I've gotten immense credit. So now I can let go. 

Its funny how these approaches never jelp me. Probably bc theyre not meant for me. Like the good smelling flowers outnumber the bad smelling flowers, most days your a good person, dont harp over your falls, etc. 

Just gives me an excuse to fall and be mivatil it to my cumalitave days. Definitely more than batel bishishim.

I think only reason i still haven't done it is bc I know its assur so id be going into it w the mindset of doing teshuva to get rid of it but im pretty sure that doesn't work and i don't want this on my ledger. Well see how long it holds me. Because to be fair im sure my charatah will be very real. As for the chafetz chaim mashal I'd have to disagree its pretty pleasurable for me. Honestly I know that it only lasts a few seconds then the taiva disappears but those few seconds are incredible. Definitely worth it

Have you taken the time to really recognize the credit you get for holding back. Please let me know if you try the exercise that I gave you. Sometimes that works when you think it won’t.

The few seconds definitely seem pleasurable but they don’t compare to the pleasure that will be waiting for you. I am not just talking about the next world. Invest in yourself.

Hi Eved, 

​I didn't see your last post because it went up while I was typing my reply up. I think the most important thing to address is you are not by any stretch of the imagination a fraud. You giving advice to others is not hypocritical. Just because you have lots of wisdom and experience with this issue doesn't mean you can't also have your own struggles. Vent and share them here, we are here for you. Clearly you are in pain, but you will get through this. Your true self knows that the whole world of shmutz and pagam habris is sheker. You will shine through.

Hey EvedHashem,
As a veteran of many episodes of depression, I know that it takes over your mind and twists your thinking. I had "real depression," but a rough spurt can do the same thing more or less.
One thing that was helpful for me is Rabbi Twersky's advice not to do anything big or changing when depressed. It makes sense to do what you know you would have done "on a regular day" ie. 2 months ago.
Hang in there! Tomorrow (or sometime) will be better. It's just a way of thinking coming from your emotions.
(P.S. The not learning and burnout is connected as well. Studies say they often come from depression. And then it feeds off itself because you don't feel successful.)
Please keep in touch. We care about you.

Checked. He said it is fine to go to sleep to music (not a live orchestra!). Especially if you are using the music to counter effect not being able to sleep or disturbing thoughts etc.

Still haven't acted out yet. Biggest concern is from rambam hilchos teshuva 4:1 where he says someone who says אחטא ואשוב doesn't ever get teshuva. The desires have simmered down a lot since earlier today but are still there. Im kinda hoping they get to that point again where it takes over everything and I can't think bc then I can act out and not be thinking at the time that its ok bc I can do teshuva.

Thanks eberyone for your insights. 

To respond to captain i guess id say im depressed but im not sure I've never really felt this way before. Zero chance i get anyone to tell me if im depressed or not bc if they say i am then I definitely will be depressed lol. Hopefully this bout will end when I get some chavrusas going again. Been lonely learning by myself for forever. Besides for the fact that I haven't been to any sedarim for the last 2 days

Anyways that's all for now make sure to tune in to next time

Heck who cares about teshuva ill take whatever it is. Devoted this time to my sisters shidduchim. Wish me luck in gehenom

Its done. Not sure how I feel about it yet. Hopefully I use this fall as the "fall guy" to not fall when I give up the smartphone for good. This was the way I most enjoyed acting out and I did my best to milk it (although after a few seconds I just became disgusted by what I was looking at, as anticipated). 

So no more excuses. And no im not acting out tomorrow. Im done.

One step at a time. Time to regroup.

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 06 Apr 2022 01:45:

totally relate to that feeling of revulsion that sets in when viewing scenes that just seconds ago were the source of so much pleasure....

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 06 Apr 2022 01:07:

I so relate to this. Thanks for your honest share

Wow! That was a tremendous help. I’m assuming that many others here feel the same way after they fall. I know that i feel distant and i get into a bad place so this was a great chizuk!

Anyone? What do ppl have?

Hi eved, a couple of weeks ago I picked up a flip phone called the Sunbeam F1 Orchid, I've been very happy with it! The company has three options of phone. One is a completely locked phone with talk only, no text (F1 Dandelion). The next model is the F1 Daisy, which is talk and text. The one with the most features is the F1 Orchid, which has GPS maps and weather in addition to talk and text. These phones have no internet browser and no ability to install apps. I believe the company was founded by religious christians who are trying to protect their own community from shmutz. For me being able to text is important, the phone has talk-to-text so you can talk into the phone and it translates your voice to text messages, this works very well. I also drive a lot so I went with the Orchid to have access to maps. There's no way to access digital media. I will just mention one thing. You can save mp3s on the Orchid so in theory you could have unkosher audio recordings and save that one your phone...that would be a very inconvenient way to access shmutz and hopefully your computers are filtered too so getting those mp3s in the first place wouldn't be possible. I think the phone works with a wide range of carriers. I also think the Dandelion doesn't even have mp3 capability, you'd have to call the company and ask about that though. In sum I thoroughly recommend the product! 

Here is the link:
sunbeamwireless.com

Keep us posted on what you end up going with!