So I got some new images in my head because I downloaded instagram (never had any social media ever) for a kosher reason was just gonna look at something and then uninstall (riiiiight we've all heard that before) and I actually followed that plan but before I uninstalled I also saw something I shouldn't which led to a quick google search which led to wikipedia which led to some images which currently reside in my brain. Been a while since I've seen anything so not sure how long it will stay in there but doing my best to not think about it. Also I already hit 90 and I know I can do it again so I almost feel that its not so bad to take a fall and then climb back up. Obviously thats bad logic so I know it doesn't make sense but my body thinks the logic works.


Fighting hard,

Eved Hashem

Do you really want to see the number 0 again?? Doesn't it feel good to see 92? You should feel proud that you are 'up on top'.
Also you'll lose $150.

Anyway I'm sure you'll pull through!
Good luck

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 04 May 2021 02:39:

Is it really a fall? How much time did you spend?

@HappyYid that was one of the ways I was able to not pursue the material and able to stop

@StrivingAvreich wasn't a fall was more of a slip 

Thanks all for the words of chizzuk!

Been in a rough place the last few days.

Whats the big deal if I fall now? I'm positive I'll be able to climb back up and paying the 150 is annoying but I kind of owe it to GYE for getting me to where I am today

Whatever my streak is (currently 92 days) won't leave me I'll always have those clean days.

I really want to act out and look at images I can't resist anymore.

I just want a little break just a little teensy one and then I'll continue the climb.

I know this is stupid. As I'm writing this im in a place where I know its stupid. But sometimes it makes a lot of sense 

"Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled - if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls."

(EvedHashem1836 signature-rings a bell?...)

First off, I want to return the Mazal tov you gave me when I hit 90 days. Congrats and Mazal tov on getting there as well!! 

Now let me tell you something about the climb that the YH is trying to tempt you with : the idea that there are breaks. Really,   breaks on this climb are nothing but a fantasy. They're not real. They're cliffs disguised as comfortable ground that make you fall back to the bottom.  If you try to take a break you won't feel rested and ready for the climb back up to 90. The falls are so hard on you that you'll want to take breaks more and more often until you can barely even make it a week without taking a "break", no matter how bad you know it is for you to take one.  So what should you do instead? Keep climbing. This mountain is not an ordinary mountain. It gets easier and easier the higher up you go. The path becomes flatter, the weather becomes much more comfortable,  and you can't forget the views which are absolutely amazing. They are by far the greatest views you'll ever see. And when the path does become flatter you'll feel like you can keep climbing forever, and the idea of taking a break on a climb as easy as this one will seem ridiculous to you. Just hang in there. The easy part is coming up soon. Just keep on climbing. I know you can do it!!

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 04 May 2021 23:41:

C'mon don't leave me, I thought we are in this together. If you fall, you may make it easier for me and others to fall as well. Do you want that on your shoulders??

Maybe speak to some people here that fell after a long streak, and took days if not weeks to get back up on track...

Don't do it. It's not worth it.
Stay strong! 

You are all my inspiration

I am not exactly in the best place to be giving others Chizuk... However, I will tell you that falling (failing) is not a one night stand. It is a long term relationship. Yes,after a fall we can look at it from the angle of just getting back to where you were and it is not really back to ground zero etc etc. There is truth to that. Actually it is very true.
However,it is very not simple. It is grueling to come back afterwards. Especially after you are doing so well! I don't know exactly,but I am assuming this your first 90 day streak. From what i have been told and experiencing first hand,that is the when the going really gets tough.
You have what it takes!
Hatzlocha!

Thanks all for your divrei chizzuk! Really changes around perspective and gives a lot of encouragement to continue

@Sapy very powerful showing me my own stuff 

@MLGA Thanks for the imagery, realizing that be'emes it wouldn't be "just a little break" but in reality stuck in a rut for weeks and weeks before even beginning the long climb back up

@HappyYid thanks for reminding me that we're in this together Also definitely true that if I hold strong maybe others can take strength from that and hold strong as well (I'm a 18 year old bachur in a co ed school if I can do it anyone can)

@grow thanks for reminding me that similar to what I said in response to HappyYid (I guess he said the negative - don't fall bc maybe others will fall whereas you said the positive - I, and the others here, are inspiration) that by persevering I can help others as well

@Lou your chizzuk is much appreciated. Even though now your streak has a low number I have much respect for you. see what I said to MLGA

grow wrote on 05 May 2021 01:35:

Hey grow!
I see that this is your first post on the forums, and you're here since 2018, could you share you're journey with us? 
Maybe start your own thread, it gives Chizuk when others post... (Besides for helping yourself).

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 04 May 2021 23:41:

You are 100% normal. Everyone breaking free has times where they entertain "just one more time". They miss the escape, the self soothing, the nostalgia of how thrilling and exciting it was. Those feelings are real and they are not stupid at all. Accept yourself for having these expected thoughts.  At some level it is like a guy who became frum in his 30's who for years used to enjoy cheeseburgers as his Thursday night dinner. As he passes burger king on his way home from work, his stomach rumbles. If only he could savor that taste again... Would we call that stupid? Of course not. 

Keep up your great attitude. Each day away from the garbage moves you b'ezras Hashem into safer territory as you rewire your brain. Hatzlocha!

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 05 May 2021 02:11:

Oh wow! Didn't realize this. I don't think I give you enough respect.
Seriously.
That's amazing!
I can't imagine I would be here if I was in that situation.

Thanks for the inspiration.

You are amazing!!  of great importance to us!  Keep it up!!