I just joined this amazing group of some of the most amazing individuals on this planet!  Each one of you totally blow me away with your strength and perseverance to keep fighting  and never give up. 

I would like to share with you a bit of myself and my challenges: I've been struggling for many years with movies, Non-Jewish books and computer games. When I fall, I totally binge and will spend hours upon hours and totally loose control. It's not uncommon for me to watch 6-10 movies in one day (sometimes on a faster speed). 

It always tore me apart this all or nothing approach (With learning Torah, I'm the same. I used to learn literally non-stop and would learn daily 20 blatt gemara). It seems, I'm a perfectionist and if I can't do it 100%, I don't do it at all. Although, I'm constantly reinforcing that all Hashem wants is to do and not to accomplish and B"H, I've been much more balanced for the last year or so, If anyone has any ideas or suffers similarly, I'd love to hear from you. 

Another challenge I have which seems to be very common, is that when I fall I can't get myself out because I have this horrible feeling and the only way I can save myself from it is by watching another Movie... getting my mind off my failures. 

I'd like to share with all of you something I've seen recently which has been a great help for depression/bad feelings after doing an aveira. This is something I've seen only recently and for me has been a real help in helping me combat depression. 

I always felt that the bad feeling after doing something wrong was a good thing and the worse I felt, the better. Someone brought to my attention that feeling  regret is a mitzvah of Teshuvah. So, how is it that after you do an aveira you feel this regret automatically? Why are reshaim full of regret - how does the yetzer horah let this happen? 

I feel the answer is, that there's two kinds of regret.

1. There's a bad feeling of being disappointed in oneself. Which (although it's better than nothing) makes it harder to turn around and do a mitzvah. You lose confidence in yourself and you feel like giving up. This disappointment is not what Hashem is looking for. 
2. There's a different kind of regret, the mitzvah of Teshuvah. Feeling bad because you love Hashem so much and feel so grateful to him. Hashem is constantly pouring so much kindness and good on me. He loves me with the deepest of love and wants me to succeed so how can I act this way? When I went and did my aveira, he didn't storm off in anger, rather he was waiting there and yearning for me. As the gemarah says, Hashem cries every day for someone that is able to learn Torah and doesn't. Now, after I do something wrong, I connect with that boundless love that Hashem is feeling for me and is crying for my return. He's waiting and yearning for me and I turn around and try to run back to him and embrace his love and promise myself I will never stop loving him and trying to get closer to him. 

Welcome!
You seem to be an amazing individual so you fit into the crowd! 

I just wanted to point out that guilt is not a Jewish idea because guilt is paralyzing and self-absorbing. The Jewish view is to use mistakes to grow forward.
Hashem is our Father in Heaven. He doesn't want us to be weighed down by negativity and self-loathing when we make mistakes. When we make the wrong choices in life, they should be seen as opportunities for growth, not chains and shackles to weigh us down forever.

Striving Yid wrote on 04 Jan 2021 20:11:

I agree with your “Answer,” but I don’t agree with your “question.”
Meaning, I suspect that “reshaim” (which you are most definitely not) don’t feel bad/regret after sinning. Regardless of the type of regret u mentioned above.

Striving Yid wrote on 04 Jan 2021 20:11:

First of all, welcome to the family!
I can relate abit.
Let me ask you, do you have: OCD,Deppresion,Low Self Esteem, Anxiety?

I don't think so. Although, these days if you don't have some letters after your name, you're not so normal LOL

Thank you for pointing this out. I thought I was quoting a Gemarah, but I see that it's not a Gemarah. see www.bhol.co.il/forums/topic.asp?cat_id=4&topic_id=856629&forum_id=771. 

Additionally, this that you're saying that "Reshaim" don't have regret. I see you're right as well, see the Malbim Mishlei 2:14, quote below. 

Thanks for your post. My reply is the first post I have written.
You reminded me of a beautiful d'var Torah from Rabbi Jonathan Sacks Z'L who talked about the difference between shame and guilt cultures. The Jewish way is a guilt culture where the aveirah is independent of the person which is why if we undertake genuine teshuva, any stain is removed from the person and we can walk tall again. Shame cultures, such as the Chinese, means that any wrongdoing is a taint of the person and cannot be removed which is why the 'honorable' thing to do if you are caught out is to commit suicide as there is no separation between act and person.

When I resist the temptation to fall (which I am striving to do more often) I feel that I have separated from the aveirah and temporarily elevation of healthy self respect. Without the potential salvation that a guilt culture offers I don't think I could have the strength to strive to be better.

Thanks you